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Esselle

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  1. The Ultimate Irony I just finished writing and publishing a piece (for resale) on 5 ways mental health forums are ruining our mental health. Yet, here I am. Yes, indeedy. I am a hypocrite, and yet, I am also right at the same time. I wish that I was wrong. I wish that these forums were actually helpful. But the ones I have been in, have very nearly brought me to the brink of you-know-what, several times. Today, was one of the final straws that led me to write that piece. (I needed it for my portfolio - the self improvement market is huge.) So I was volunteering as a listener at a major mental health site that is named with a number, and a drinking vessel. I'm sure all of you know where it is. I was in the sharing circle and a bunch of trolls just took over - literally. I was hosting the chat, and they just smashed through every person's boundaries and shredded them. It was a virtual bloodbath and there's not a damn thing I could do about it. Successful people would say it doesn't really matter - that's just the internet, and get over it, and why am I so sensitive anyway? It's not my job, but as a volunteer there I felt, in that moment, a severe powerlessness, that I am not accustomed to feeling and a responsibility. I really did reach for the gun today. Then I changed my mind, and wrote that piece instead. I'm a hypocrite you guys. I can't take it anymore. You try, and try and try and the trolls just ...they just do what they do. They are dark triads you know. Truly machiavellian, these people. Some of them may in fact be under 18. And they will grow up into the suit and tie variety that devour "widow's houses". There's not a damn thing I, or anyone, can do to stop them. Sites like that one, and this one, talk a good game about "breaking the stigma" because it drives traffic to their site, improves their ratings. Did you really think they believe in it? They don't. Ask me - I know all about marketing and SEO. It's all designed to attract the almighty dollar. And I just wrote a piece that I will sell to them. So, even I am making money on it. The only real difference is, I really feel it. I really know what I am talking about. Most people don't and don't want to. Because if they did, they would do something about it. I'm just done. I can't go anywhere without the cyberbullies harrassing me, and everyone else who gets in their way. I can't take it anymore. I really can't.
  2. i am beginning to think that some of this is by design - that some of us were essentially thrown out of life without our knowledge. That some of us may have been isolated by others choices, that we were not aware of . That maybe, just maybe, the paranoia is justified, and it really did happen to us. I am beginning to think that therapists, counselors, and others really are the enemy, and that it was by their instruction to our loved ones, that so many of us have found ourselves isolated, alone, and without hope. It is so, very, wrong.
  3. Well, here I am. Another forum - for depression. I hate this shit. I hate this illness. I hate how it has been weaponized and used against those of us who have it. NOthing I say, or do, will ever be "quite okay", because, well, I'm depressed you see, so nothing I say or do has any real legitimacy in the eyes of other people. Even other people like me, who also have it, will say "are you manic today?" if I post an idea I had, or maybe it was a discovery....because no one in theiir right mind, would ever come up with that, unless they were manic right? Ugh. I hate it. And if you actually did discover something, or come up with a unicque idea, then you must be having a "delusion of grandeur". I hate this shit so much. I want out of this world, at this point.
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