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About Sandwich_napper

  • Birthday 02/04/1995

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    I am facing anhedonia.

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  1. I don't make people I care about happy or content. I bring down the mood anywhere I go, I don't need to talk or say anything, everyone knows what happened to me, and otherwise everyone sees my face and they know how depressed I am. It doesn't matter how I present myself, everyone sees hopelessness on my face. I'm really someone people only turn to on a last resort, they want me to dig them out of a hole they made, and when I tell them I can't be a lifeline, they pack up and go, and I have one less meaningless relationship in my life. I feel like I'm in the writing for a ballad, where I determine my self worth by how much I can help someone else and disregard myself to the limit.
  2. @cherryapplez2020Sure I'm open to advice
  3. My brother is bipolar among other difficult life circumstances and disorders. My life is all about revolving around him while trying to hide the fact that I am, because he will feel selfish and reject help. So it has to be secret help, setting him up for success, even in little ways because the good small things build up. Sometimes his anger and moods get the best of him, he will flush the toilet when I shower, he will hug me really tight when I have a coughing fit, say something mean about an insecurity. But when he sees my face he feels terrible, I know it eats at him he goes into my room at night teary eyed to hug me and apologize. I am not upset when he does something out of a mood swing, I know it isn't a reflection of his true character, I wish he would believe me when I say I'm not upset. It gets hard, but I believe he can improve, I must be patient. Everyone works at their own rate, there comes a time when you must accept it
  4. Lately I have no sleep, paralysis when I try. Stuck in bed in the morning. Each day has no relation to the last, I don't know what is going on in the world around me, there is tidbits of audio, visual and texture memories from the past couple weeks just playing in a loop, and I don't focus. Weeks are the same. I am really starting to feel like myself again... I wish I was not used to feeling this way.
  5. It's every single night. Trying to sleep is waiting until I almost get there, paralysis, snapping out of it, moving positions, almost sleeping, paralysis. Rinse and repeat, all night. I get frozen, and auditory hallucinations are getting to be every time whereas they used to be rare. I got paralysis twice during naps years back, I did have visual hallucinations. I don't know if they still are visual, I make sure my room is completely dark. They give me panic attacks and instill anxiety, once I'm in the vulnerable exhausted state from cooling down from a panic attack, paralysis comes and kicks my butt again. I feel awful, I can't sleep, I fear sleeping or being tired because I know what is to come, I can't focus on anything.
  6. My biggest obsession is having perfect posture. I need my spine straight, and I am constantly dragging my hand across my back and neck to ensure it is in check, if it is not I push it back in place in painful ways. My neck is my biggest insecurity, I used to see dowagers bumps so I constantly ensured I didn't have one, but it got to the point where if I even feel my spine slightly I grab my jaw and skull with two hands and push it as far back to the limit. I do this 30+ times in public daily. I am unable to do something easy like sitting, laying, writing, eating, organizing etc. if my posture is not perfect. I do not even rest in my sleep, I sleep on a back stretcher or with pillows propped under my back in an uncomfortable way that makes my spine straight and my head farther back. Most nights I do back stretching "rituals" that can last from 30mins-4hrs. Everyone tells me this is a good thing because good posture is healthier, so I never receive help. They brush past the fact I push myself to the brink of self injury and my entire life and mind is centered around my posture.
  7. I lived in my bed. Any friends I used to have probably thought I passed away. To some degree, it felt powerful to be in so much control of my life, It was me who chose to initiate contact, me who decided to go somewhere, I worked on my own schedule and that was none. Every night I went to sleep knowing the next day would be as meaningless as the last. But there was a comfort in having no social conflicts, nowhere to be, it was the same day over again, it felt stable to know what to expect. Being fueled by an anxious, powerful, depressive haze, I wanted to be alone forever like a security blanket. Sometimes, when my agoraphobia was at a manageable time, I could go places close to home in the daytime. I only went out for groceries, but it made me more depressed to not feel like a person compared to the other customers. They had a life, family and friends, relationships, careers, higher education. It is not like I envied them for their met goals, I only wished I could feel like an equal. Years of this, sometimes on and off, sometimes two straight years. This past year I started making efforts for cash, higher education, and going out in public. It is difficult but I tell myself it is worth it in the long run. However I do not feel like myself, the only me I knew was alone. When I was alone, I was around myself for so long I felt sure of who I was, I spent so much time with them that is all I knew. Now I don't. When I am used to me in private, but confused at the newfound me in public, I feel conflicted on my own identity. I feel scared that if "public" me overtakes "private" me, who will I be. I want my head to see that I am always one person, it does not matter if they are at home or the grocery store, I do not need to be a certain way to be my own person.
  8. I have depression. I reach points of what could be characterized as a form of mania bipolar both types run in my family, but my depression continues throughout it. When I crash, I get low and the next manic episode does not raise me up. Years and years have packed this on, plummeting me. I have withdrawn from friends and family. I find no interest in books, walks, my phone, television, fashion, or having a conversation. Talking feels like a secondary state. I used to be agoraphobic, being alone felt addicting at one point, now I scramble to keep relationships with people I really like. Nothing seems to sway me one way or the other, my day could be jam-packed or lazy and it feels the same as every other day I have lived. I think it would not matter if I slept in mansions or in a dinky apartment, I would feel the same. Months go by living in the same day, it does not matter what I do different, or what life changes I make. I am so uninterested in life.
  9. I only feel emptiness. I could sleep in a mansion or on a park bench, but my feeling would not leave. I am on a road shaped like a figure 8, bring me a new car, new passengers, plant new trees alongside the road, take more rest stops or none at all. I am still on a road shaped like a figure 8. But it is not like I feel anything particularly bad either, only a neutral-nothing state. So I can't complain, I just can't be happy either.
  10. I also liked her on Grimm. Yes. I think what is different for me is distractions do not bring a sense of fulfillment, or really anything. I am not seeking fulfillment, only to be content. So I am left with nothing to be around for, but no reason to leave. And there is a feeling I have an inability to really enjoy things, I try books, I go on walks, I keep hygiene, I clean, I call friends. These things do not affect me one way or another. Oh well.
  11. Thanks. I agree. I feel each day is scrambling to get responsibilities done, and everything after has no meaning. The worst part for me is I do not feel life needs meaning to live contently, which started as accepting what I cannot change, living and letting others live, but over time I have given up. Is that Claire Coffee on your picture?
  12. Every day I was faced with waiting out another mood, situation, obsessive thought. I would wait out the day. Eventually all of the days blurred into one meaningless, dull puddle. Now I'm just waiting. Days, weeks, and years pass waiting and watching life pass me by. I don't know what I am waiting on, but I always feel impending doom from the moment I wake up. This is no way to live.
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