Sorry for the rant, but I really don't have the strength to continue, I spent Christmas alone because I didn't have the money to go back to the family I'm taking care of. My mother is in the hospital practically all the time, my sister had an operation to remove a cyst from her brain, unfortunately the operation was unsuccessful and now I have to take care of her, in addition she lost her job and the pension I won for her was canceled, and all attempts to appeal against this decision were rejected, so I'm drowning in debt, eating from garbage cans just to have money if my family needs it. I am 28 years old, two months ago I attempted suicide, I have sought help on forums, various government and non government organizations.
On some, no one even responded, and on the forums where I did get a response, sometimes I thought there was some place on the internet where I could copy generic answers from.
I'm sure most people didn't even read what I wrote. And people who have read my whole story have told me to leave my family and focus on myself or that I should start selling drugs to get money fast. That is completely incomprehensible to me. Several people told me to set up a campaign to raise money to pay off my loans, so I did, 19 days after setting it up and absolutely bombarding the internet, not even one person visited it, and the people who promised to help me spread the campaign stopped responding, only one person tried to help me but unfortunately she did not succeed either.
Several people told me to use food banks, even though they said I already tried that, in my city banks distribute food to the homeless, and organizations, not people like me. Other people told me about the possibility of declaring bankruptcy, and that left me as a last resort. I visited a psychologist, was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, was prescribed medication I could not afford, when I wrote about it I was told once again to focus on myself and leave my family.
I decided to ask a free lawyer if I can declare bankruptcy, it turned out that the case is complicated because not everyone can apply for bankruptcy, and if successful the consequences are very serious, despite this I sent all the necessary documents, in response I received a refusal, the lawyer helped me to complete the documents.
At work I am treated as if I were their only employee, I work all the time, even on weekends, holidays etc,,. I do everything and only get paid $850, I tried to find another job but my boss somehow found out where I submitted my paperwork, called there and made sure I didn't get the job, he has done this 2 times now. This Friday I sent out another wave of resumes, to different companies, not sure if I will be successful.
This weekend, due to not going to his family for Christmas, I decided to work, but I couldn't even write a single line of code, I'm completely broken. I really tried but I couldn't focus, I also couldn't sleep all weekend, I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated taking my own life. I was crying and throwing up from stress.
I don't know if I described everything the way I wanted to, I can't even remember what I wrote about, I don't know what I'm going to do now, I've had enough, and I'm ready to be done, I know it's pretty selfish of me but I can't handle taking care of my family anymore, I'm just over it. I have to go to work tomorrow but I don't know if I will, I'm just completely fed up, even brushing my teeth is beyond me, I have an emptiness inside that I can't fill. I cry all the time, there is no strength left. I know this campaign was a daydream, but I wanted to try, well it didn't work, like everything in my life. I hate myself, and I want to end this, I can't do it alone, I've had enough, and just the thought of having to buy food for my sister and mother with the help of a food delivery courier and not being able to spend Christmas with them destroyed me, I didn't even look for food in the trash, I just sat on the edge of the bed, I don't have the energy to try, and I don't know if I won't just end it. I'm just hoping for a response from a potential employer, this is my only option, a better job, more money, otherwise it's pretty much over for me. I haven't even called my sister or my mom, I can't hear them crying right now, I can't do it, and I don't know if I want to keep trying.