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MoonlitNight

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  1. Has anyone feel so much rage because of being so disrespected at home? Just a little backgrounder. I am 2nd in 5 siblings, and currently being treated as the blacksheep and problematic person of the family. Back when we were kids, I felt that I took the role of a giver, and up until now. But everything changed about few years ago. My mother, well actually both our parents, are not emotionally available. They were too busy with their dirty linens in public until they separated when i was around 18. I have been suffering from anxiety and loneliness or slight depression back then and i didnt know it was from neglect, i just thought maybe its related to adulting. I kinda escaped all these family drama back in college by studying abroad for a year. Because my mom is never the type of mom who would call up and ask how i am, i really felt lonely abroad and felt unsupported, as usual. When i returned to my country, i couldnt stop crying or be depressed, and it was the reason my siblings outcasted me. In turn, it angered me and i went into tantrums because of the anger, which in turn, all the more made me isolated. I turned to my mom, the only choice i had, for support. I made all efforts to form this bond with her, be open with her, commuimcated with her, and for the first time, express myself with actions such as hugging. I confided in her and she saw me crying during times when my siblings would plan things out all by themselves. I really felt an outcast. Over the years, I guess I became codependent on my mom. Her approval, her affection and attention were validation that I mattered in this family. I also became sensitive when she would make a mistake about my birthday, but not with my siblings' birthdays. Which was the cause of a recent misunderstanding, then i got angry. And then she outcasted me. I felt that whenever I express angry emotions, they would isolate and outcast me completely. Not talk with me, not invite me to eat, when they are going out, totally treating me as if i am not there. This made me spiral into extreme depression. It has been 5 months now that they outcasted me. And I feel extreme hate and resentment. I wanted to leave but financial issues are holding me. I feel so much anger that I could cuss all the bad words inside my room...at times I wake up in the morning overhearing their plans to go out without me, and all i could do was be frozen lying on my bed, and really bawling my eyes out. What pierces my hear the most is the betrayal i feel from my mom, who i made so much effort to connect with, and she knows how i felt with my siblings, and yet she did the same thing to me. I used to be so bubbly and i love talking with my mom. Now i am just sulking at the room because i have no one to talk to. And I felt so abandoned, and I feel so angry that they are okay with me being like this forever. That even when i vanish right now, everything would be the same. I am haiving a breakdown most of the time crying... there was a time she messaged on the phone asking if i was still angry... and i felt like WHAT??! Are you serious?!! You playing innocent now, acting like the good mom when you outcasted me becuase i expressed my emotions and you couldnt handle it. Asking me that question made me feel that it was alll my fault, that i have to do all the effort to win her back. All the while, she never made any effort to include me, even just ask me to go eat with them, or include me when they order food. To think i always prepare her food and cook for her when we were okay. I want to shout my heart out right now, and i feel like exploding so bad!!! Anybody who has been in similar situation as the outcasted blacksheep.... what should i do...thank you.
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