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  1. Still on 450mg. At this point I would say, I got used to effects so much I don't notice them, but I do notice when I stop taking it. After taking it, there's a period of sleepiness that lasts 2-3 hours then I feel uplifted and energetic. Emotional emptiness is rarely a thing after I lessened my SSRI. Maybe I reached my core problem now - ADHD. I'll have to go through some tests and procedures and then will probably be put on ADHD medication. My focus being all over the place and restlessnes still giving me huge problems even though on bubropion I enter hyperfocus more often.
  2. "Other takes" sound like a form of guilt tripping tbh =\. Just do what you can to maximize your own comfort. You don't owe your mother anything and you don't have to suffer if you don't want to. People who are making arguments about "this is your mother" don't know how toxic and damaging can be peoople, who are the closest to you. I myself was abused by parents, and I know that any attempts to explain, fix things or negotiate are frustrating and give no results. There won't be any final revelation or closure, the real closure is when you decide to move on and live healthy life.
  3. Hey, don't quit antipsychotics! If you have psychotic DON'T quit anipsychotic medication. You can quit antidepressants, but you don't want a psychotic break. Tell this to your doctor, it could be either side effect of anitedpressants or negative symptomatic.
  4. My emotions are still messed up. I also started a relationships with a wonderful man, and fear of being abandoned, ruin everything myself or get another abuser in disguise getting on my nerves a lot. Sleepiness slowly subsides. I have just enough energy to do things even though I often don't want to. My impulse control and tolerance to stress are highly increased despite this antidepressant being "stimulating". Just can take much more harder blows before I finally meltdown. I already remember having such effects. As well as concentration improvement. And it's not abstract "i can hold my focus 5 minutes more". When I stid down and do something, I have this perfectionist urge to complete a task even if I don't really enjoy it at the moment.
  5. You don't have to force yourself to continue relationships with a toxic person, who probably left a mark on your mental helath, on THEIR TOXIC TERMS, just BecAuse It'S YoUr MoTHEr. She might never change, she might never acknowledge the damage she've done to you. And this is her falut. Some toxic people might have genuine attempts to get better and suceed, some people aren't even trying, because they're always right. You gave a chance, you was polite, clearly explained everything and she basically wiped her ass with it - this is her choice. I just know how frustrating it is to start a civil dialogue, but instead get riduculed, blamed for all sins and gaslighted into the oblivion, and how damaging it is to try it again and again only to fail every time. This is how they hurt people, make you think that something wrong with you, and that everything is your fault. Your therapist is either naive idiot who never dealt with narcissists, or smart person who expect more therapy session ahead, just as sober4life said.
  6. Yeah, getting consistently knocked out in the middle of the day. But wake up more energetic now.
  7. When I started taking 450mg it again started making me drowsy. And this time it makes me incredibly drowsy. I fell on the bed for 3 hours sleeping without a dreams today and I still feel somewhat groggy. I wonder how dopaminergic antidepressant makes you sleepy. Anticholinergic effects or something else?
  8. Support of people around me is what keeps me in one piece right now. First time l feel that world around isn't hostile and alien to me. Dealing with personal problems is so much easier in healthy environment. I just wanted to ramble about war a bit. Now, at the new place, our home owner is probably the best and the kindest person I ever met. He helps us whenever he can, and it seems like he genuienly cares about us for some reason. Our neighbors never treated us like that and our relatives never treated us like that (especially our relatives). It wasn't only fear of getting killed, war shows who people truly are - neigbours, relatives, "friends". And I really didn't like what I saw. Thankfully no signs of PTSD. But my emotional regulation is messed up, and I'm not surprised - no one can go through such intense emotions for prolonged period of time and not change. I have my meds for month and a half, and I hope before that time I'll get proper medical insurance, because already faced some problems with getting prescription. I guess I'll just go with the flow for now and see what happens next.
  9. 55 days in the basement, two and a half months in city occupied by russians, my city is in ruins, my house is in ruins, then 2 months of moving from place to place, camps, documents. Now I live in small village in Germany. Managed to get all my meds here for free. After what happened bupropion stopped working as it used to, even when I bumped the dose up to 450mg. I have energy, I do things, even intellectual work, but I'm never satisfied, my emotions are blunt again. I don't feel alive unless I chase some extreme emotions or adrenaline rush. Almost dragged myself into abusive relationships already. I don't see dreams of war or suffer traumatic flashbacks. I just became worse as a person. I hope one day entire Russia would look like my city looks now. I hope that Putin, all his soldiers who came to Ukraine and everyone who supported this regime for two decades will alive just like my neighbors did. Good evening btw. I'm back.
  10. You can take medication for as long as you want. But no one will guarantee you that depression won't come back.
  11. So this is an OCD thing? I got this occasionaly since being teenager till my early 20's. It was incredibly distressing and embaracing, I also got obsessed by other people IRL. I don't want to dive into the specifics, but it was bad and it was a major problem. I can't give you any better advice than forcefully stop this behavior. Don't read about them, don't follow social media, do absolutely anything to distract yourself, cry in the pillow. It will go away faster than you think and you might develop some kind of "immunity" to this in the future.
  12. All side effects were physical. Mostly increased heart rate, blood pressure, sleeping for 5-6 hours and constipation, on the other hand it made me lethargic occasionaly. But mentally nothing negative really.
  13. In case someone is interested, I want to report about long term effects and how it feels now. Now it feels a little bit stimmy, there is no drowsiness at all. No more constipation but stil getting occasional tachycardia and high blood pressure. I noticed that when I'm satisfied, I stay satisfied for much longer time. It's no longer a huge rush that is followed by discontent. It's easier to do stuff - I just sit down and do what I planned without too much mental beatings. Balancing on the edge with OCD, but having only OCD to deal with is not so debilitating.
  14. I'm fine. Working on my animation project. Realised that in order to stay stay stable I'll have to juggle with my meds and constantly adjust them.
  15. Okay, so what happens to me everytime is this vicious cycle. I get intrusive thoughts, phobias, anxiety, emotional swings and I increase my SSRI. It helps, I feel relief, everything is cool, and then slowly apathy creeps in. I do respond on SSRI treatment for OCD, but apathy is so bad it's indistinguishable from full blown depression. I tune down my SSRI, feel more alive, able to enjoy life again but over time I'm getting more nervous and bothered with everything, and then I get phobias, intrusive thoughts, anxiety. And the way apathy kicks in is so sneaky and natural. Like there is truly no joy in life and there is no reason to do anything. I honestly don't know how to deal with this shit. At least now I'm fully aware of it and have bupropion to support me. I tapered down Zoloft couple weeks ago and surprise surprise - there are reasons to live. I'll keep it low until I'll start obsessing with death, free will, fear of loneliness or my own sanity again. But what I can say - bupropion helps. It doesn't take SSRI apathy away, but I just keep doing stuff, and even when I feel nothing I keep doing stuff for some reason. I've done more in these four months than in the rest of the year. I've read and listened 9 books I thought I will never read, I played a bunch of games from start to finish, somehow I've made everything I planned to make this year for my animation project. I wish I could feel like living human being all the time. tl;dr: bupropion good SSRIs bad
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