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  1. I'm fine. Working on my animation project. Realised that in order to stay stay stable I'll have to juggle with my meds and constantly adjust them.
  2. Okay, so what happens to me everytime is this vicious cycle. I get intrusive thoughts, phobias, anxiety, emotional swings and I increase my SSRI. It helps, I feel relief, everything is cool, and then slowly apathy creeps in. I do respond on SSRI treatment for OCD, but apathy is so bad it's indistinguishable from full blown depression. I tune down my SSRI, feel more alive, able to enjoy life again but over time I'm getting more nervous and bothered with everything, and then I get phobias, intrusive thoughts, anxiety. And the way apathy kicks in is so sneaky and natural. Like there is truly no joy in life and there is no reason to do anything. I honestly don't know how to deal with this shit. At least now I'm fully aware of it and have bupropion to support me. I tapered down Zoloft couple weeks ago and surprise surprise - there are reasons to live. I'll keep it low until I'll start obsessing with death, free will, fear of loneliness or my own sanity again. But what I can say - bupropion helps. It doesn't take SSRI apathy away, but I just keep doing stuff, and even when I feel nothing I keep doing stuff for some reason. I've done more in these four months than in the rest of the year. I've read and listened 9 books I thought I will never read, I played a bunch of games from start to finish, somehow I've made everything I planned to make this year for my animation project. I wish I could feel like living human being all the time. tl;dr: bupropion good SSRIs bad
  3. This sound like bad idea. It's no longer "treating depression" it's "doing drugs".It's actually twice terrible because you're most likely get addicted when you're depressed.
  4. I guess even extra 25mg of Zoloft can destroy my will over a month. I hate bouncing back in forth with meds, but I'm afraid I'll have to. Too little of SSRIs and my OCD gets much worse, too long on a bit higher dose and I have worst apathy ever. I feel better again. Finally started making 3d animation which turned out to be much more fun than I expected. I kinda feel like am balancing on the tightrope, but at least it's fine for now. Sometimes it scares me how negative and toxic I can get when I feel low.
  5. Even if I will find a good therapist, there is no way I can afford it. I can barely afford antidepressants. I feel miserable - not all the time, but quite often. But I keep doing things I couldn't force myself to do before. Bupropion is stimulating, but it makes me more calm if it makes sense. I always had this almost physical dissatisfaction, I was bored, angry, I used to pace around a lot, move a lot just to shake away this feeling, couldn't get enough of anything. And I had no idea how bad it was until it was gone. It's also interesting that I no longer become hypomanic. Low doses quickly became ineffective and this restlesness came back. 300mgs/day seem to work it's just they won't magically repair my life. I won't suddenly get friends, job, life or sense of self worth only because I'm no longer neurochemically handicapped.
  6. I'm still taking it. I don't know what to say. It helps until it doesn't. Maybe it's not a medication problem. I'm just a mess, I'm almost 26 year old man child who is stuck in 14 years. I'm not functional, not self sufficent, I have no social connections. And every time I tried to escape this swamp I failed miserably. I'm tired trying again and again just to fail. I keep trying but I can no longer lie ty myself - what will make this time different? I can temporarily boost myself with chemicals, but my brain will adjust and I'll stay where I was.
  7. Oh well, it keeps getting worse. I don't think I even noticed taking something today.
  8. Does anyone else has some kind of learned helplessness in regard of feeling emotions? My new meds drastically helped me in regard of numbness and ahnedonia, but I noticed that I tend to avoid everything that is engaging and fun, because I instinctively afraid of disappointment. All my habbits last 4 years were build around having short bursts of hypomania with feeling almost nothing in between. And now I have to learn how to live differently. I remember how recently I got very tired, so I just dropped on my couch and did nothing, while thinking "damn, I feel really bored" and it took me solid 40 minutes to realise "hey, I can listen to audiobook". I enjoyed it, but six months ago it would only make me feel more discontent.
  9. My habbits are unhealthy. I work till exhaustion and then burn out to ashes.
  10. I feel empty and indifferent again. I hope I just have stronger depressive episode and it's not burpopion starting to poop out.
  11. Updates? Quitting SSRIs after 20 years is hardcore af. Aren't you overwhelmed when emotion sensitivity started to return?
  12. Uhhh, I don't know. Some kind of euphoria, but don't know what can I compare with it. Was very optimistic, felt good all the time without any apparent reason. I still have a good mood sometimes, but it's more situaltional and less "pop a pill feel happy". As for feeling sedated or stimulated, it still confuses me. Sometimes I can't fall asleep on it, sometimes I get drowsy for a couple hours, but most of the time I don't think about the effect. If you're taking it for 2+ months, I think you should at least try. Before 300 mg it felt underwhelming, like it works but not enough.
  13. I'm on 300 mg for a week. Honeymoon is definetly over, but I don't have this emptines and restlessness that used to drive me crazy. OCD and anxiety worsen a bit, but nothing serious so far.
  14. I've done way too much soul searching already. That's why now I mostly focus on more practical things not some spiritual pratices. I feel like I'm getting out of the pit, I'm just wondering - maybe I've broken something in my head. Some kind of switch that regulates my emotions.
  15. I'm still fine. Even smoked weed a couple times. Usually on a third day after smoking no matter how much, I had restlessness and anxiety, but not this time. Now I'm at strange place - it turns out, even when every symptom is lifted, miracle doesn't happen. I'm struggling with my mental health since I was 14 what else did I expect. I find this a very good sign, because usually I had this intense feeling that my life will drastically change when I entered hypomania.
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