Everything posted by m00tpoint
This, this, a thousand times this. Jesus was not a "happy guy." He was "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." "Offer your bodies as living sacrifices." What, exactly, happens to a sacrifice? I am struggling to trust, more than I ever have in my 58 years. About all I can manage these days is try to remember the explanation to "Lead us not into temptation" in Martin Luther's Small Catechism. "God surely tempts no one to sin, but we pray in this petition that God would guard and keep us, so that the devil, the world, and our flesh may not deceive us or lead us into false belief, despair, and other great and shameful sins; and though we are attacked by them, we pray that we may overcome and win the victory." False belief and despair are the heavy hitters in his list of the greatest temptations. The man got it. "Overcoming" isn't about finding a better stinking job, and "victorious living" isn't about ease, luxury, and plenty. They're about hoping when all is hopeless, and soldiering on when there's no reason to. It's not what I want to hear, because I want a way out. But it's authentic.
The tests all say I'm a genius. Trust me, it's overrated. If you can get yourself interested in the right things, it'll get you a decent job. After that, I'm not sure I'd recommend it. It's so much more important to be "emotionally intelligent" (as the buzz phrase goes), because relationships and people is what makes life life. You at least have got a bunch of your crappy emotions figured out. That's far more than I can claim, and at 58 years old time's running out. Fast. That said, you're plenty smart. You wrote a rather long post with no spelling or grammar problems, even with some italics and other markers to convey as accurately as possible what you are thinking and feeling. By online standards, that makes you a rocket scientist. You say, "My family knows something's wrong," as if that's a bad thing. Look at it again. Something is wrong. You know it. They know it. You all agree that the way things are right now isn't right, isn't you. That means that with some help, maybe some meds, a lot of work and likely some tears, that something that's wrong can be set right. Or at least managed. That's the best any of us can really do with our worst problems -- manage them, recognize them, find ways to live with them and in spite of them. I just spent 8 weeks in inpatient and outpatient treatment for major depression. It's been a constant for 40 years now. And you know, they didn't once try to teach us how to stop being depressed. They tried to teach us how to manage it, and the illness will respond as it responds. Ya gotta fight. Some days will really suck. Some won't. You're not your illness. And if I could believe some of that about myself, I'd be in better shape. m00tpoint
So sorry to hear (well, read) that you're in such a toxic situation. Our situations are different; in my case, my job is the only thing in my life that is going well. (Won't talk about the promotion I was recommended for but worked in the wrong office to be given ... it was a blessing in disguise.) When I'm overwhelmed by the shitty everything other than work in my life, I try to remind myself that I am not my situation, and my situation is not me. You can win in other ways, even if your job sucks. And if you keep looking, you'll be able to find something else. It's just a numbers game. I hope things turn around for you. m00tpoint