I have been a meth addict for 10 yrs. A functioning addict. I dont want to die a meth head and I want to quit. I've tried several times, whenever I stop I have absolutely no energy whatsoever no motivation. I am on prestiq, lamictal, vulvar, vyvance, trintrillex, suboxone, kolonipin and trazadone. I do emdr therapy every week. The meth doesnt get me all tweaked out anymore it just keeps me awake, I dont take my meds as they are prescribed bcuz they make me tired af and zombie like sometimes I cannot make myself wake up for days. The meth doesnt keep me up for days like it use to. I can do a gram and still eat, and sleep. My therapists think I have been sober for 4 yrs. But that's a lie. My ex was a meth nazi and would call me a junkie, tell me I'll never Be anything but a drug addict. I use to Be a size 0 when him and I met, I did stay clean for 6 long and agonizing months and in those 6 months I went up 12 sizeS. He made sure to tell me often that I sure was gaining weight which is exactly why I never wanted to stop meth. I was always a curvy girl, tbh the same size I am now. Before my ex I was a witty confident funny social bubbly person. Now I feel so ugly, I take care of myself bcuz again functioning addict. I don't have scabs every where, I have my teeth I shower regularly have my own apartment love doing my makeup wash my face with 2-4 face washes in the shower my teeth are brushed my clothes are clean. But somehow in those 4 yrs with him, I lost my personality, I feel like I lost myself. I've been single for a year, normally I bounce back from a breakup quickly, not this Time. I leave my house to go to work or a dreaded Walmart trip. Then I'm right back at home alone. I'm so far away from my family, I have no one here except my therapists . I say positive things to myself, I accept compliments, but in my head I'm just the fat and ugly friend again. I can't get my depression under control, even when I'm manic from my bipolar with the happy mania I stay away from everyone bcuz I feel annoying and out of place. No one checks on me. My phone will go days without a simple text. Ik isolating myself is probably the worse thing I could do for myself right now. I use to Be able to fake being happy and confident. Faked it til I made it. I was so quick wittied and funny cocky confident desired wanted. Everything is opposite now. I'm dull boring plain quite self conscious. Maybe I self consciously medicate my self with meth hoping it puts me in an early grave. I hate me. And I was so in love with myself. Ik the ex was extremely toxic and he has probably caused alot of my issues. I hate him. I didnt deserve that. I didnt want to Be a dope addict when I grew up. I feel like this life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one. All the meds make me so tired. I've tried taking them in the morning and at bed time and I just sleep for days even with meth being smoked. I dont know how to be honest with my therapists, bcuz then I have to come to terms that yet again I'm a huge failure. Idk maybe I'm just babbling. Who's gonna actually read this? And who really cares for a depressed meth addict.