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Sheen

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  1. I’ve been suffering for years. I take one step forward and ten steps backwards. Every day I am pushed to wanting to **** myself right then. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for years and years. Nobody listens. Nobody understands and nobody even seems to care. I go through so much and I’ve been through so much. All for nothing. Just brings more pain and suffering. There’s never any payoff or reward. I’m 28 years old, honest age. I see my chances of having done it by the time I turn age 40, 99%. There’s no chance in hell I’ll be around by age 50. Heck there is already a good chance I won’t be here in a year. I just know I’m going to do it someday. I’m un helpable and unlovable. I never learn anything. All this universe ever tries to teach me is that Im a waste of human being and I’m not meant for life.
  2. This will be long but worth the read. I’m not telling my sob story to vent but to help people here understand what social anxiety truly is. Ive had an otherwise great family and life but it’s had its flaws. Some of which have inflicted long term trauma. I have always been an anxious person. Always the one having nightmares, etc. I have other disabilities which I currently am trying to figure out. Why everything is much, much harder for me. Why I struggle agnostically through life. One thing I want to talk about is social anxiety. I believe all social anxiety stems from repressed trauma. Until I had truly traumatic social experiences I was always confident. Up until 6th grade. I had an unkillable confidence. I embarrassed myself all through my childhood according to lots of other people but it didn’t resonate until something hit me hard below the belt in sixth grade, which caused me to be a lot more cautions but it wasn’t toxic yet. Fast forward to seventh grade and I had another similar experience. However it wasn’t until high school that I began to really struggle with social phobias. When I was younger I could easily bounce back. I didn’t have the sense of shame I currently do. I remained and otherwise functioning human being. I had a pretty normal few years after high school. Bounced from job to job, made lots of friends and did well financially. Fast forward many years into my late twenties. I’ve noticed that my current social phobias are caused by trauma inflicted in my adult life, so as to confirm the shame and trauma from childhood. It’s been a lifelong pattern of torment. Leaving me little to no time to heal. Picking scabs off the same old wounds and inflicting a deeper wound and to finish, rubbing salt in that wound. And I’m sure a lot of people here can relate at least somewhat. I was never physically or sexually abused. I grew up Christian. That’s why I have been so confused until now because I exhibit full symptoms of trauma. I have realized that socially inflicted trauma can cause from excruciating embarrassment, guilt, shame, and even from one self. Experience these a few times and you can surely bounce back but when you’re stuck in an inescapable pattern of these experiences it can heavily be damaging. My trauma seems to come from heavy ostracism and never being taken seriously. From being isolated and from forced detachment. That’s just one element. Add the shameful experiences I’ve had and the guilt trips I’ve been laden with and it compounds to one massive problem. Above all, quit demoralizing yourself because others don’t approve. Quit invalidating yourself. If something is bothering you it’s for a good reason. Do some evaluation to see what the problem really is and don’t always listen to your therapist. Take yourself seriously and love yourself. Thank you for reading.
  3. I have had a lot of blows to the head. I’ve crashed my bike and been mangled in it multiple times as a child. I had a heavy box fall on my head at age 4. I got punched many times. and I did stupid things in junior high to be cool, like inhaling gas fumes. I passed out the first time and when I woke up, I had forgotten about my life. I was fourteen and I didn’t know who I was or what anything was. As soon as it all began coming back I was thinking ‘what the hell am I doing in this garage? now in my late 20’s. I’m now seeing how all this has ****ed me up in the long term. I’m having symptoms of dementia. Severe depression racked with suicidal thoughts daily. Feel dead inside, like a part of me has died. I’m not as there as I was a few years ago. My situation is getting worse every year, every day. Every day I feel more and more detached from my own head. No I don’t use drugs. The supplements I use are in fact supposed to help this.
  4. I suffer with the same stupid bs day after day. I’m not welcome in my own home. Or anywhere for that matter. Im lost and have no connection to anyone. My depression and suicidal thoughts have alienated me from my family. I am as helpless as a child. But I am left on my own, by careless apathetic people. what I have learned from life is that, nothing good ever comes from anything. It never gets better. Nothing I do will ever be enough. I’ll always be wrong. I’ll always be wrong. That’s just what I was born to be, a defected, malnourished pos. Nothing good I do, no good intentions ever get seen. I’m genuine and want people to know that I have good intentions. But I’m Always made to be the bad guy. People assign me heinous punishments for things I didn’t even do. People profile me because of my disability. They call me ‘full of shit.’ People even treat me like I don’t exist. Peiple who call themselves ‘good people’ have literally left me in the street. I’m in a deep hole. Does anyone really actually care? I’m teetering over the edge. I’m asking myself if life is really worth it. I’m starting to think I should’ve killed my self a long time ago. I reach out, but again no one seems to truly care. if here someone could help me. If not then honestly…. I’m sorry to say but I will have lost all hope for myself and humanity. I send a text saying to my brother or sister, friend, etc, that I am needing to talk and that I’m feeling suicidal and all I see is read at 7:58 pm. Current time: 9:00 The next day. im strongly considering milking myself. I have a couple of ideas on exactly how and when I would be doing this and it’s honestly beginning to look like a very real outcome. I guess I was created by the universe, by mistake.
  5. I feel like I’m a dead man inside a living carcass
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