I think I'm finally ready to try Wellbutrin for my depression & anxiety.
The reason I havent taken this medication is because I was afraid it would remove that hard switch deep inside me thats keeping me alive.
I've noticed that I seem to go into a 2 month depression every 2 months. Give or take a few weeks to a month but its pretty consistant.
I also avoid all social contact due to anxiety. I dont check my mail or answer the phone. I have no friends & stopped talking to family for years now.
So heres basically what happens.
Day 1: Feel good. Have energy, hope, want to do things. I'll start by jumping on my elliptical and feel great afterwards. This will snowball into my 'normal' routine of wake up workout. Then I'll shower & make a protein smoothy. This sets the day for success. House gets cleaned and Im motivated to do what I want to do. I'll start studying for some certs, duolingo, doing hobbies etc.
Day 60: All of a sudden I just stop working out. I see it happening, I want to workout but its like Im on auto pilot and when I try to reason with myself its like talking to a wall - met with silence. I'll go buy a bunch of junk food and binge. This snowballs the other way. I wont shower for days, wont go outside, stay in bed until I cant, dishes stack up etc. Then I'll start having thoughts of maybe Id be better off not here. When I do have to venture out for food its painful for me. This lasts about a month then I start feeling better but it takes about another month for me to get back to 'normal' and start working out again.
This cycle is exhausting.