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Everything posted by runninghope

  1. @morningnight The instructions sound logic and not much different from what i have been trying. But to some degree i solved part of the issue .. because i now have the pill that allows me to go to sleep at 11 pm if i so wish and i will sleep all night until the alarm goes off. Infact, i had this pill for 4 years. And checking my log, i see there were whole weeks of me waking up everyday at 11 am, which means i could wake up at 10 am also (which is my perfect wake up time). The pill isn't the problem ... sure, maybe its making it 10% harder to get out of bed but, its the depression and lack of reason to get out of bed thats the problem with me. I remember in 2020 i belive it was .. i was making certain electronic devices, i was super motivated since it was something new. And i remember i ate and drank lots of food/fluids before sleep so i woke up almost everyday at 8 am to go pee. And guess what. Multiple times, on my way from bathroom, instead of going to bed, i sat in front of the computer and started browsing through some data about my project and sometimes i spent 1 or more hours doing this. And i dont ever remember sleepiness being the problem. I really have a rough time last 2 years .. i had it rough for many years but whats new is that i accomplished some things and about others, i gave up, figured i cant accomplish them anymore, dont have the energy, knowledge, power, etc. All this years i had 1 really big goal and i was working towards it and even when it was super tough, i wanted to accomplish this so much that i dragged my ass out of the pit. Actualy this year is the first year when i dont have a single goal. Most of the time, if i had a button to "quit", i would. I just went on a diet + went wacko in sports, just to get a goal, even though i didnt really need a diet that much. But it makes everything easier knowing that each day i have to eat exactly the amount that i set and i have to run for the amount i have to, no matter what, i have to do it. Gives me purpose. To not make this to long .. with the meds for sleep i have right now, falling asleep is not an issue anymore. Having a reason to wake up is the problem. I turn off the alarm clock and i go back to bed because that is the only thing i would like to do at that moment. Staying awake is painful and being awake, nothing gives me pleasure. But going back to warm bed and escaping from pain for a bit longer ... thats nice. I remember the feeling .... i dont know when was the last time i had it but i remember the feeling of waking up and having this slight positive "anxiety" in your chest ... its like slight rush of adrenaline but in a good way .. u just want to jump out of bed, crank some rock music, put on a shirt and do stuff. Yeah, i remember that feeling. But i dont know when was the last time i had it. Is it depression, or is it the lack of purpose/goal ? Or both ? Im trying therapy in a few weeks ... i tried it like 2 years ago .. only 2 sessions .. didnt like it. But im giving it another go since i pretty much tried everything else. But i know it wasn't always like this. I had weeks or maybe even months on end when i looked forward to the next day and when i had a good motivation, i never had a problem jumping out of bed, even if i slept only 3 hours.
  2. Well, right now, getting up at 11 pm would be a huge accomplishment for me. I did it for a while, but right now im happy if i can get out of bed before 2 pm. My long time goal would be 10 am. Today i verified that it is indeed not meds fault, even though im sure they add a little bit. Today i woke up at 8 am and ate some apples. And i felt alright. I had no drive to stay awake, i felt panicky at the thought of it, cause that would mean so many hours are ahead of me. But if it was the meds .... then at 8 am i should feel almost dead. But i didnt. So it is depressions fault. I simply have no reason to get out of bed cause my only goal really is to survive during the day to go back to bed. I know that 2 years ago sometimes i woke up at 8 am without alarm ... and i stayed awake for 2 hours looking at some thing that used to really interest me. Now there is nothing. Nothing that really interests me. I need to work on that. Im still open to suggestions from you, @Extremebeginner
  3. I tried melatonin and my subjective feeling is that it helps me go to sleep, i tried 3mg. But i took it with half dosage of my usual pill so its not perfectly objective. The bad news is that i am still sleepy during the day. The hardest thing being getting out of bed. And i think its not the pills that are responsible. Its depression. I will try to explain. Today i woke up at like 8am. Obviously it was far to early for me, so i turned around to sleep more. Took me quite a while to fall asleep, was a bit anxious, turning around, etc. I actualy got up for a bit and i felt "OK". Then my alarm clock rang at 12. I didnt even think, i set it to 1pm. It was really hard to get out of bed but i managed. Only for a few minutes. I could stay awake ... but i had no reason to. Absolutely no drive, motivation for anything in the world. I went back to bed at 1am ... and god that felt good, it was like all my pain went away and the bed hugged me and said to me everything is going to be ok. At 3 pm alarm rang and i got out of bed. I felt better, had motivation, didnt feel so sleepy, etc. Its like my inside clock is completely upside down.
  4. More and more i am starting to think this is not the medications making me feel this way, but rather depression. I checked my log and i was able to wake up at 11 am, multiple days in a row, on same medication i am on right now. Further, cutting my sleeping pill in half didnt make a difference. Its not just being sleepy - its like i lack the will to live. Today i woke up at 12:30 to do something i had to do, but i really felt tired and bad (after 7-8 hours of sleep). At 13:00 i decided i will go to sleep for another hour or two. I ended up moving my alarm clock until i finaly got out of bed at 19:00 - and i could sleep more - i dreamt so much if nothing else, i wanted to think and dream on it. I understand that parts of year energy is lower then other part - with me it was always like that, i had better and worse part of year. But now i didnt have a good part for like 8 months. 8 months of not feeling that being very motivated feeling. I try to include routines and sometimes i manage them, sometimes i dont. Probably the worst problem i have in my life right now is what i could call the 1 day rule. Lets say a certain day i wake up feeling very bad, but i find some godly strength to be super productive and work all day and do 5 days worth of work. I go to bed feeling super happy about how much i accomplished. But the next day i will wake up feeeling super bad and suicidal again - just like if i didnt do anything the previous day. This is so hard because no matter how much i try ... everyday i start from zero once again. And probably the only thing that really makes me feel better is work. If i work, i feel better. And its not about how much money i earn - its about how much i "suffer" or how much i feel i have suffered. Its like i have an inner parent that wants me to work my ass off and i can only feel good when i have suffered enough. Kind of like a runners high - u only feel it after you have suffered a bit. I get similar feeling when i am working out with weights. But the problem is its near impossible for me to find motivation to get going. I decided im gonna give psychotherapy a try cause its clear me alone with meds cant make a dent and its only getting worse.
  5. Im overthinker, though i come to negative pretty fast. I dont even have to think much - usualy i wake up suicidal or really depressed so i dont even have to think - the moment i wake up, the pain hits me like a bus. As for sleeping ... its amazing. During the day im completely zombie like. If i get out of bed at 2 pm, its hard - i could sleep more. But i get out of bed. I have zero drive, zero motivation, i just wanna go back to bed, curl, hide. Then as hours go by, if i stay awake, maybe around 6 pm i will somehow get to life, suddenly get some drive and motivation back, so i can get some work done, earn my living. Now the night. If i didnt take any pills for sleep, i would fall asleep between 4 and 6 am, depending on when i would wake up the previous day. It would be a struggle. I would get really nervous. Which is crazy cause during the day, lying on bed is fantastic - even if i dont sleep, i am so calm, i think about plans, etc. But at night ... i feel like adhd child that cant stay still. Its like a child in me is resisting his parents and dont want to go to sleep. Its torture. Its like my internal clock is completely warped and no matter what i do ... even if i magicaly start waking up at 7 am ... even after 3 months it will still be torture. My sleep ritual is always the same. I go to bed when i feel the pill kicking in, im getting sleepy. I lie down and start watching a sitcom on my low light laptop. Its always sitcom, funny series, to lighten the mood. I usualy watch like 20 minutes, then turn around and go to sleep. When i didnt have the pill, it usualy took more like 40-60 minutes of series before i felt i could turn around and go to sleep. Its not just sleepiness during the day - its the complete lack of drive, motivation - its like i just wanna lie down and die. Only hours later, something will wake up in me and suddenly i will get motivation for random things and go do them.
  6. I have been taking 3mg melatonin pills for a few days in a row now. I reduced zyprexa to 2.5mg before sleep instead of 5mg. In a few days i will try to further reduce zyprexa. Going from 5mg to 2.5mg didnt help in me waking up earlier. More and more i think its the depression, not the pills, that is making it so hard to wake up and be sleepy. Cause its not only that im sleepy - i have zero drive and motivation for anything when i wake up. So i go back to sleep. I will soon try to play a good video game when i wake up, maybe that will wake me up sooner.
  7. Hello, My doctor prescribed me 5mg of Olanzapine (zyprexa) for sleep. I have no psychotic symptoms, its just for sleep since i have difficulty falling asleep at night. I usualy take it 3 - 4 hours before i go to sleep and for that it works good. But i have some questions. 1) after i take 5mg Olanzapine before sleep .. my mood will dramaticaly go down. I will get more depressed, i will worry more about things, everything will feel out of my control, etc. Thank god its only for those 3-4 hours before i fall asleep but still, its interesting and i am wondering, did anyone else experience this ? Since it causes my mood to drop after i take it ... is it possible that it also decreases my mood the next day ? Could it be making my depression worse ? 2) What is your experience with the next day drowsines under Olanzapine ? Is it possible that i am sleepy all day because of this med ? I also noticed that i am a lot more hungry under this med. I never had problem with my weight but now it seems i have trouble not eating to much.
  8. Hello, I take 375mg Venlafaxine per day for my depression, generalised anxiety, social anxiety, etc. During the day i have a lack of motivation and feel drowsy - going to bed would feel really good. I have trouble waking up, alarm clock usualy rings at 11 am but then i stretch it to 12, 1pm, 2pm ... I also take some other medication but would like some input as to how much Venlafaxine could be causing me to be sleepy during the day. I tried taking it when i wake up and taking it before sleep and doesn't seem to make a difference. Any other tips ?
  9. I ordered a pack of 3mg melatonin pills and will try it. I will also try slowly going off the zyprexa, because the last time i went off cold turkey i couldnt fall asleep till 6 am and it was pure torture. So i will first try half the pill of zyprexa with a pill of melatonin and then see how it goes.
  10. I take 375mg venlafaksin (brand names alventa, Effexor, etc.), usualy when i wake up or during the day when i remember to take it. I take 5mg Olanzapine (Zyprexa, etc.) about 3 hours before sleep. I did try to replace Zyprexa with 30mg Mirtazapine (Mirzaten, etc.) but it felt like i have even harder time waking up the next day. I had this problem long before i ever took Zyprexa or Mirzaten. Before it, i went to sleep at around 4 or 5am and slept 7, 8 or 9 hours. Im going to buy Melatonin 3 or 5mg and try it this weekend when i can afford to lose a night of sleep. Considering that i am used to Zyprexa and Mirzaten which are very strong, i am afraid that mere over the counter no prescription Melatonin will not have any effect. I tried very high dosages of tees and herbs but nothing had any effect on me. I am wondering if it would make sense to move alventa to evening, its funny though, online data shows that it can cause sleepiness or insomnia. Interesting. This problem of mine is very old, older than even taking antidepressants. Even as a kid i remember when we had somewhere, the whole class, other kids fell asleep alright while i had trouble falling asleep. Its as if my rhytm is turned upside down and i cant fix it. Today i finaly got out of bed at 3 pm. My alarm first rang at 11 am. I didnt even think about staying up because the thought of moving the clock to 1, 2 and 3pm was overwhelming, i just wanted to go back to sleep just like a drug addict wants to take a drug. I work in the afternoon so that is not a problem for me. Its a problem if i want to switch to a morning job. And people think me strange or lazy for sleeping till 3 pm. But it is not as if i enjoy this - i would do anything to change it. I really dont understand how i can be sleepy all day and crave going to bed. But when its midnight that most people go to sleep, suddenly something wakes up in me, like some demon that turns on the power and i wake up and going to bed makes me extremely restless - like some inner child in me is resisting the parents that ordered him to go to sleep.
  11. Thank you, i will look into it and test if it helps me. Today i woke up quite on, but first my alarm rang at 10 am, i could wake up but didnt since i worked in the afternoon and i had no motivation/reason to wake up. Then at 12.00, same thing, finaly i got out of bed at 13:00. This Zyprexa i take certanly makes me more sleepy the next day. How do i know ? Well, sometimes a postman wakes me up at 9:00 am and after i collect mail, i go back to bed and fall asleep in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. Before i was on that pill, if something woke me up at 8 am, i would have trouble falling asleep. I will let u know how it goes. In the meantime i reduces my coffe intake and that helps a bit also. Any other advices welcome.
  12. The spend energy during the day doesn't help. Even if i skip sleeping for a day (i tried that many times) ... i will be extremely sleepy and tired all day ...up to about 11 pm. After 11 pm, its like something in me awakens and suddenly i have energy, motivation, ideas ... its like taking some kind of drug. I wont be able to fall asleep even though i skipped a sleeping day. And if i go to sleep before 11 pm, i will wake up at like 2 or 3 am and i wont be able to fall asleep. Could you tell me more about melatonin? Since i am taking a lot of pills for my depression i dont mind 1 extra, if it will help me. Would it be better than sleeping pill ? Less tired the next day ?
  13. Had this problem for 20 years now, will try to explain it. I hope you can give me some advices. 1) I am sleepy with low motivation all day and evening. I want to lie on bed, curl in a ball and wait. I could sleep for 15 hours if alarm didnt wake me up. It is extremely hard for me to wake up, whether its 8 am, 10 am, 1 pm or 3pm. 2) When it is time to sleep, like midnight, 1am or 2am and i get into bed, i get extremely restless, nervous and anxious. I feel like a hyperactive kid that has been tied up to bed. Its pure agony that i cant even explain. During day i could close my eyes and just make plans and think about things. At night when its sleep time i cant do that, i get extremely restless and anxious and nervous. 3) I take 5mg Zyprexa (Olanzapine) 3 hours before sleep, doctor gave it to me to help me sleep (dont have any psychotic ilness otherwise). I fall asleep alright now, but now i could sleep 15 hours, no matter if i sleep 7 or 12 hours, its hard to wake up and i remain sleepy. Without the pill, i can never fall asleep before 5 am, which means i cant wake up before 12:00. I am on different types of antidepressants for all those 20 years. I tried more or less everything. Tried coffe, tried no coffe. I have lots of dreams, i dream every night, could write a book about it. Wondering if this is the reason i am always so sleepy ? Another interesting thing. If i wake up before 11 am, my back hurts (had operation a while back). Even if i sleep for 12 hours, or 7 hours, my back will hurt if its before 11 am. I have no idea why it matters when i wake up and not how long i sleep. Even pain pill wont help me. I am trying to get a new job and this sleepiness thing is really blowing my chances and making my life hell. Please help me if you can.
  14. I have problems with depression and anxiety. I was kind of a child celebrity, being good at certain thing got me unhealthy amount of attention and praise from adults. I never gave it much thought until i started questioning my motives for doing certain things. And when i went over my hobbies and things that drive me, there was only 1 common thing about them all: it will get me praise and attention. We all like attention and getting praise, but with me, i simply cannot find 1 thing in my life that i do for me - everything is about getting praise. Even activities like hanging out with people are a competition for me - i try to use my humor to be in the center of attention - if i succeed, i will feel euphory, if i fail, i will feel really bad case of mood drop. Whenever i can, i make sure everyone i meet knows all my accomplishments and it often makes me look like a jackass in front of people - like a little child seeking approval of his parents, just that i am not a child, but an adult. I did the first step, which is realise that this is going on. Took me over 30 years to realise that. But now i don't know how to do the second step which is, try to eliminate or at least reduce this unhealthy need for attention and approval. And it is really bad. Just the thought of doing certain things and not sharing them with friends with intention of getting praise and approval sends cold chills down my spine. The feeling is actualy very similar to when i decided to quit smoking and realised that after that i will never be able to smoke again, being addicted to nicotine i got dizzy and had a panic feeling. So this is evidently like a drug to me if it sends chills over my body. Anyone had similar problem ? Or maybe knows how to start dealing with this ?
  15. Was just researching if bipolar 2 could explain my behaviour and feeling but then found borderline personality disorder and i check almost all symptoms. Going from feeling above everyone not needing anyone, to feeling completely helpless and just hug me and i want to die. I always had problems behaving but i thought thats just cause my parents werent setting enough limits. But i often act and the mood consumes me, if i get angry at someone i will get so angry i will spend the rest of the day thinking that they deserve death for that 1 thing. But when this mood passes i am thinking like, wtf was i think ? How could this make sense, someone dying because he like insulted me or something like that. I will watch the video now though i am afraid i will find even more similarities and not much answer how to live better
  16. Hello, been suffering for depression since i was 19, im mid 30's now. Had suicidal thoughts at 16 or 17 for the first time when failing in school. I was always very unusual: an attention seeker, doing crazy things at school to get this attention. Even as i child my emotions seemed more intense than children my age: i would get really euphoric often and be mean, do bad things ... but then i will also get really sad. My emotion scale was 1 to 10, while most other kids seemed to always be between 4 and 6. I never thought of it as mental illness ... i just thought i was a very difficult hyperactive child who's parents werent able to properly set him limits. I was kind of an child celebriy and thought that because of it i am so special i can do anything i really want with no concequence. I never thought of having bipolar because i never had any psychotic symptoms, no voices, no hallucinations, etc. But my mom told me many times ... "You do not have bipolar .. but u have very strong poles". Ofcourse my mom didnt know that there is also bipolar 2 which is similar but with no psychotic symptoms. Another reason why i always was sure i dont have bipolar is money: at 22-25 i was living with almost nothing so i learned to be really careful with money. Then i went to college and had more money but this still stayed with me - instead of spending i was saving and amounted quite nice savings account. I go to extremes sometimes to save money ... i take pride in it. I barely ever buy anything since it brings me no pleasure. I never feel normal. I dont remember having a day that i could say this was normal.I am either so depressed that i dont want to live, or i am mildly euphoric and i have ideas and plans running through my mind so fast i can barely sit down. But this is good - in euphoric time i dont do anything stupid. I am sarcastic to people around me and not really empatic ... feeling superior to them. But i do not make any scene that would like, bring me to hospital or prison, or endanger my future or something. I simply get cocky and self confident, suddenly i like what i see in mirror and i think how much more skills i have than people around me. But then when the depression comes its so bad i usualy simply do not want to live. Nor have the guts to do it. Nothing matters, things that 1 day ago were awesome are now like white wall. The reason i never mentioned bipolar 2 to my doctor is a) i didnt even know it exists and b) when i was feeling high ... i never went to a doctor. I was at home being super productive ... making small inventions ... cleaning, adapting place, earning money ... doing great things. It was afterall the only time when i get a break and can live a normal life. Usualy during suicidal time i am so down i cant get anything done, so when i am up, i need to make up for it to earn enough to pay the bills. Past 2 months i was really happy with things ... wasnt really that euphoric but i thought i could live like that. Then about 2-3 weeks ago my mood spiraled down and now i have constant pain between ribs, feeling lonely, weak, panicky and thinking about death. I will visit my doctor in about a month, the clinic is not working until september. So until then, i would like to ask you what you think, your opinion, could this be bipolar 2, maybe something else, or just plain depression ? I am kind of hoping it is something like bipolar 2 or something else ... because that means i get to try some new meds. Doctor tried basicaly all antidepressants that are on the market, old, new, combinations, different doses ... nothing made a difference. And if its really bipolar 2, i get to try something like mood stabilizer, etc. Ps: my current meds are 375mg Venlafaxine (Effexor ) when i wake up and 15 or 30mg Mirtazapine (Remeron) before sleep. Obviously not doing a good job else i wouldn't be writing here.
  17. Decided to post here though i am not 100% sure mirzaten is the culprit yet. I have sleep problems most my life but certainly since i was about 13 years old. My problem was that at the time when most people go to sleep, i get this motivation and energy, like i came alive. Spent most my highschool and college years going to sleep at 5 am. I remember during college years when i was studying lying on my bed, i had trouble staying awake .. but if i went behind a computer to play a video game, i sprung back to life, didnt have problems with sleepiness. Then i got 5mg Olanzapine for sleep. It worked ok, the only problem was, i had to take it 3 hours before sleep and my depression was a lot worse for those 3 hours, my mood went really down. From that time i dont remember any big daytime sleepiness. At the same time i also switched from 10mg Escitalopram to 375mg Venlafaxine, taking it when i wake up. Like i said, dont remember having those issues with waking up and staying awake then. And i also tried moving venlafaxine to take at the evening and even went a few days without taking it at all. No difference. Then about 2 years ago i got 30mg mirzaten before sleep. It looked like a wonder drug - in about 20 minutes it literaly knocked me off my feet, suddenly i was able to go to bed at 11 pm or midnight. And i didnt notice any daytime sleepiness, but that doesn't mean there wasnt any. I was severly depressed so its totaly probably that i spent time afternoon napping and just didnt care or notice. But in the last year it is really imparing my life. So it is like this. Doesn't matter when i go to sleep and how long i sleep. I wake up, go behind a computer to check emails and start my day. In about 15 minutes my energy level will go to zero. It will be almost like i took a sleeping pill. And not only my energy level, i will also lose motivation. The things i planned for the day the night before and things that i really looked forward to doing .. suddenly they make no sense at all and i just want to go to bed and curl up. Now i know this is classic depression but it was never like this for me. I have depression for 18 years straight and i never had this behaviour. I had low motivation but i never had trouble staying awake if i had the opportunity to do something i like. Now nothing can keep me awake. The only difference is if i have some outside the house thing i need to do as soon as i wake up. Then i go out and i am kind of ok. But i work from home and can move my work time around. So i know i am not forced to start working as soon as i wake up, i can postpone it to a later hour. This is a problem for me because only at around 7pm do i "come to life" and start being productive. I have tons of things i need and want to do but half a day i am not there mentaly. I try to wake up at 11 am since if i try earlier .. its really hard, like its against my body. But i can live with 11 am or 10 am. The problem is lately i wake up at 11 half dead, then i postpone to 12, 13 and now lately to 14:00 (2pm) and even now like i said, i am half dead. Its hard enough knowing i woke up at 2 pm knowing world left me behind. But being a zombie even now makes it even worse. If i could somehow get to the point when i can wake up at 10 am everyday and be at least semi productive and motivated, i would be more than happy. So i decided i will try reducing the mirzaten dose and see if it helps. Now im at 30mg, tomorrow i will try 15mg, if it wont help, 7.5mg ... So i was wondering if some of you could share your experience with mirzaten and if you had similar issues and if so, how did u solve them ? Its 5:28 now and i haven't done a single thing today except eat some fruit and have 2 sips of coffe. And as it is, i feel this huge urge to go to bed and curl up. Even though i have 10 things on my mind that i know i need to do and i actualy look forward to doing them. But its like i havent slept in 40 hours.
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