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venti

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  1. what keeps me going is that there is no choice. if i could push a button to end my existence i would do it without a thought. i'm not brave enough to end it myself, so i have no choice but to keep going, its 24/7 misery but no choice, i just have to forcefully endure it.
  2. Depression is different for everyone, everyone lives in their own world with their own unique thoughts. in my case for example, what you said would be wrong, if i had the success that you did and the economic situation that you are in, that would relieve most of my depression if not all. There would be some balance in my life then.
  3. I feeling pretty bad today, my business is failing and I have a family to support. Its failing because I have zero energy and motivation. I just want to die from some accident. Remember the "suicide booths" from the show futurama? I wish those were a thing. quick and painless.
  4. Due to the depression which started at a young age, I don't have any motivation nor any energy to change my way of thinking. I see myself as a complete failure, I don't have any guile, determination nor any will power to make a change, even when I muster up the energy to try, I always end up quitting early feeling hopeless. I don't really see myself as two psyches in one (my ego and an "old man depression" of sorts.) There is only one part of me that I see and that part is pure melancholy, I can only suppress it temporarily to survive day to day functions and activities. My self esteem is non existent. Thank you for your words of encouragement but its ineffective in my case. I have a deep seated hatred for my life and its probably hard-wired into my brain.
  5. I hate to say it Oscar but its true, its all in my head, its all in all of our heads really. I may be treated my whole life like I was at the bottom of a totem pole, but if only I could somehow erase and reprogram my minds to dupe myself into thinking positive all of the time, that would be great. CSAM, we just have to live with it. What a dreary, bleak way to live though.
  6. Hi there, I understand what you are going through because I feel the same way. I don't really have any friends myself because I feel like none of them know the true meaning of friendship and me being cynical and misanthropic doesn't help with making friends either. Although I consider myself a kind hearted person and rarely bring up these things in conversation unless its with someone I know I can talk about these matters.
  7. Thank you for your response, I wasn't expecting anyone to respond, I just wanted to put this out there for myself really. (It did help some, I feel a lot better today but its also because I might be bipolar) Using your methaphor in my case, I am in the cave with NO anchor line to the entrance/exit. I am all alone in this. I see it like being in a boat with a huge hole in it, you can always patch it up over and over, but eventually it will leak again, until finally it sinks. Living life trying to patch it up all of the time is just tiresome and unbearable. The negatives in life always outweigh the positives, there is no balance. People have said dont focus on the negative, well its hard not to when its always in your face.
  8. I hate my life, I don't hate life itself, I just hate mine. There are many people that can tolerate life and many that even love life, I definitely am not one of them. Some of you will say its all subjective and all about perspective. I might be wrong of course, about everything. But what can I do? I am who I am and certain things about me just cannot be changed, at least not enough to make a difference. It would be like a fly telling a bee that its better to harvest shit than honey. I hate every single atom of my being. I also hate the world we live in, this reality, full of hatred, deceitful, evil people. It seems the world favors the wicked. Look at what America has become for example, people in power are corrupt, self serving and the greedy corporations will do whatever it takes to make a profit. I've been dealing with different levels of depression for as long as I can remember. I wont bore you with the details but it seems like everything I do is a failure, its like I repel success, whether its success in family, friends, business, happiness, etc. (Just a quick background note, I have good parents, never been molested by anyone, or anything of that sort, no real traumatic experience that would lead me to hate life.) I'm sure there are those of you out there that are in worst situations/conditions than I but that doesn't really matter, my depression is in my mind and my mind alone. Both my mind and body are the product of my depression and hatred towards life. I hate everything there is about me, even writing and reading these words coming from my mind disgusts me. The environment, the experiences, the reactions to my existence, even the DNA that makes me up, all of these things contribute to the way I think, the way I feel, the way I look. I tried, I really tried to be positive, even to the point where I tried to force myself and to delude myself, but I'm a realist, I see things for the way they really are. There are drugs I tried that neutralized unbalanced chemicals in the brain, but that's pretty much the same as brooming dust under a rug. I don't want to exist any more, but I don't want to commit suicide either. I just don't want to exist, no consciousness, no me. I've made grave decisions in life, regretful decisions, bad decision making is a common trait. I got married and had kids. I regret all of that. I should have never gotten married and start a family, I ruined their lives. I love my wife and kids very much which is why I never should have allowed for this to happen. I have brought failure to their lives. The only reason why I haven't ended myself is because I don't want my wife and kids to go through life without a husband and father. I try my best to hide these feelings but they come out ever so subtly or sometimes not so subtle. It's shameful to even tell anyone about this, they wouldn't understand anyways. I also wanted to say that people that try and give you some advice on depression have no right, they know nothing of the pain you go through, they understand nothing even though some may claim they themselves have been through it. They are the people who can overcome and adapt, they are the ones that love life or can deal with it. Living life is hell. I cant wait for some terminal disease or cancer so I can go straight to an assisted suicide place. I dont want to die in a hospital bed, drugged up, in pain and without dignity. Not to mention the absolutely absurd, ridiculous, unreasonable medical bills your family has to face.
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