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NotBenjamin

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  1. My name is Ben. I am not well. I’m trying something new here, which is to write about the feelings I’m having, in the hope that someone else also feels this way and will tell me so. I’m alone and confused, and I just can’t be alone in this anymore. I have PTSD and severe depression. Over the past 15 years I’ve tried 8 different medications, and the best result I ever got was flat numbness. “Medium Low”, I’d call it. But even that is out of reach now- I lost my health insurance a few months ago and I’m no longer taking anything. And I do regret that, because whatever this is that I’ve slipped into is unbearable. The world is strange to me now, and I don’t recognize it as a place where I should be. I feel like I don’t belong here, but I have to act like I do. So, I fake my way through every day, acting and acting, all the while wishing for real life to show back up again. There are problems and situations that I can’t face, or even acknowledge, and they are stabbing into my mind at random times throughout the day. I used to be able to bury them and ignore them, at least for a minute. I could take a break once in a while. But now it’s like whatever hole I was dumping those things into is full and overflowing. They’re all over me and I can’t get away and I feel panicky sometimes. If someone told me that I was already dead, and that this was purgatory, I’d come close to believing them. This can’t be my life. This doesn’t seem real. Every moment hurts. Does anyone understand? Ben
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