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AndrewH

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  1. My school doesn't treat my depression and autism like it should. I have plenty of people that I know with down syndrome and dyslexia and they are treated well. But because I'm a high-functioning autistic kid who is depressed I don't get the same treatment. I wish they would give me adequate resources and understanding because like you I can function to the untrained eye but inside I'm tearing myself apart.
  2. So last night was amazing, me and my friends went and saw another friend in an outdoor theatrical production. We had a picnic and hung out for several hours before the show started. I had so much fun. This kind of thing has been what I've been hoping for the past year. I had so much fun and I was so happy and yet right now I'm feeling down. Its not as bad as it has been in the past when I've been suicidal but I'm just feeling a bit depressed right now. Why am I like this today? Yesterday was really good and I got to hang out with my friends. I don't understand what's going on. Could someone maybe help?
  3. I feel so very good today. I apologized to one of my classmates for being mean to them the past few years. She didn't think I had been but that's beside the point. She told me that she was sorry that I was hurting. I asked her how she knew I was hurting. (While I have told some people about my depression I had not told her) She told me that my friends had talked to her about it and how the school didn't provide for my mental health. It made me so, so very happy. No one had ever been concerned for me like that. The fact that my friends had taken time out of their day to let people know that I wasn't feeling well. It made me feel so loved. I know some people wouldn't like other people talking about their mental health issues but the fact that they were looking out for me and making sure other people knew I wasn't feeling well made me so very happy.
  4. I'm writing this really late at night I should be in bed but I can't sleep. Two days ago I increased my dosage from 50 to 100mg of anti-depressant. I went to a party with some friends, several of them got drunk and I was caring for one of them when they started to get tired and nauseous. She was sleeping over at the house and I got her a blanket and kissed her on the top of her head. I went home. I woke up the next morning and was head over heels in love with her. I couldn't do anything but think about her. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I had to tell her how I felt. She said she didn't feel the same way. An hour later those feelings vanished. I think it was my anti-depressant causing my brain to act weird. I told her and she said it was okay and that she understood I've been going through a rough time. That was yesterday. Today was okay. Tonight I started getting really depressed and I couldn't sleep. I miss my friends so much. I've only seen them two days ago but I miss them so much. I've got work tomorrow and I;m super stressed out. I haven't had friends for several years and am about to be a senior in high school. I;m trying to cram all the fun I missed these past three years into my last year in high school. I hate myself because I was online all of this year and I hate myself so much. I missed out on having friends and now I don't think i'll see them again. My mind keeps acting crazy and I',m sobbing as I write this. I don't understand what's happening to me. I just want it to end. I;m just going to keep writing because it is something to do. I'm going to put all this effort into these relationships but at the end of the year I'll probably never see them again. So what's the point? Why is it so hard for me? I can't sleep. I can't sleep i can't sleep. I'm just going to write because it seems to be making me feel better. I want to end it all sometimes. I don't want to **** myself but I want to go to bed and never wake up. I hate this life of mine but don't have the strength to end it or keep going. I'm caught at a crossroads and its driving me insane. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because all my friends have other lives. I don;t trust people. I;m paranoid. I'm trying to rush things. I can't think. I can't sleep. I doubt anyone has made it this far but I'm going to try and keep going. Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Boxcar, etc. Why. Why. Why. Why. It's 11:32 I've been at this for a quarter of an hour. I don't want to live. I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Nothing seems to help. I can;t seem to get happier. I tried watching porn and making myself feel loved. That didn't work. My friends say they care about me but that doesn't seem to have any effect. My parents say they love me but the same thing happens. I'm so numb. I have to go to work tomorrow and put on a grin and sell people useless shit all because I want money. For what though? Why do I want to live? Why should I keep going? I want to die. I want to die. I don't want to die. I can't decide. Maybe I can I don't know. I'm scared, so very scared. I don't want to tell my parents because then they'll send me to the hospital and I don't like that place. It's very scary. I;m scary. I hate myself I hate myself. What is happening to me. My mind keeps racing I can';t stop. 11:32 now still typing. This is just a stream of consciousness and thoughts. I want to be a kid! I want to have friends my age! Part of me wants to get drunk, to have sex, to make stupid decisions, but I don't know how. I'm rushing into all of this because I feel like I;m running out of time,. I haven't been a kid and I want to be a kid. I want to date pretty girls who like me back. I want to have fun. I want to do some much but I;m running out of time. I;m going to go to college in a year and it'll be all new people. Then I'll start the cycle again. Will it ever change. Sometimes I just want to join the military and volunteer for active duty in some warzone or join a terrorist group or join a mercenary company. I want to die on some forgotten street corner with a 50 year old bullet in my head on the other side of the world. I want friends so much but I don't have time to buidl the relationships and enjoy them before they're gone. I hope for a school shooting. I hope some tragic kid like me comes and I can take a bullet and die with everyone loving me. I wnat a robber to break into my house and shoot me. I want someone to rob my workplace and **** me. I want someone else to pull the trigger because I don't have the strength to. I've got an knife in my room and I could cut my wrists and be dead before I was found. But I can't. I guess part of me wants to live but I don't see why. My sister has friends and she's got a great life. It;s all so easy for her and she;s younger then me! My parents say if I **** myself that they'll be devestated or that it;ll get better. Will it? Will it? I gotta try and sleep but I don't think I can. I might try and masturbate to tire myself out but then I'd just feel dirty and icky inside. Leading to more self-hate. Help! Please anyone.
  5. I don't feel that good I haven't slipped that well in recent days with my finals and I've been crying a lot to. I'm really scared about everything. My body just curled up into a ball and didn't want to do anything except twitch occasionally. I felt like I didn't want to get better which really scared me. I've been trying to get friends and build relationships but I don't see how that'll be possible when I'm such a unstable wreck.
  6. That's so true. Some students at my high school blamed my staying online during the school year for my problems but the reason I stayed online was because of what has happened to me the past three years.
  7. Sometimes I don't believe them though and that's the problem.
  8. Keep going. Try to find some light. Even if its really small and it seems impossibly far off keep going. Today's been okay for me. I felt pretty bad the last two days and I just wanted to stay in bed but I played with my dog this morning and that has kept me going today.
  9. Today's an okay day for me. I've been getting some help from friends and teachers at my school. Life still sucks though but today's been okay. Keep going everyone<3
  10. You are good enough. We all are. It's the other people who are cruddy.
  11. I don't really know what to tell you except that I'm sorry. Obviously this person is not doing anything for you and is just causing you harm. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them or be around them and if they are going to hurt you then you need to leave. I would hope that you and your dad's relationship could get better but that doesn't seem likely from what you're saying. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Remember we're all rooting for you.
  12. The way I try to see it is that yeah its an endless train ride but I've had fun on a few train rides. Sometimes all it takes is a pack of playing cards and a few people who are, like you bored out of their skulls and aren't enjoying themselves. Keep going. You might find someone on this endless train ride to play a card game with and make the time pass by faster. Hope that helps.
  13. Ha! Thanks though, I really needed that. It makes me feel a lot better that I might just be frustrated with everything going on and that I know have a place to talk with people without scaring them away. Btw, was it THAT obvious that the two girls were cute? Lol.
  14. I'm in a Catholic high school and today's been pretty hard. In Theology class I got really heated up about the class talking about being a leader and feeling part of a community. Several people were talking about how they felt like our grade was a community (we're juniors so we'll be seniors in August) Most of these people have bullied me, bullied me for three years into a twisted thing. I'm getting very angry and I start laughing, cruelly. I guess I laugh when I get mad. I hated what they were saying and I thought they were being hypocrites and spewing bs. Then the teacher told me to be quiet. I just want to scream. I want to hurt them all for what they've done to me. I know I would get expelled and probably worse but I just want to hurt them. I tried to be calm and respectful but they started to attack me verbally and blame me for my own problems. I do that all the time, I don't need them to do it for me. It sucks because there are two girls in the class who I'd like to be friends with and I think we might be able to be friends. I feel so angry though. I'm scared, I don't want to scare people away but I don't want to hide anymore. I've been dealing with depression for about five years now and I had to go the hospital two weeks ago. And then in class just a few minutes ago some kids were joking about melatonin overdose and being put on suicide watch. I wanted to grab them and shake them and yell at them. I've actually been on suicide watch and its not fun. I don't want to scare potential friends away. I hate a lot of people at my school but at times I also hate the people I want to be friends with. Occasionally I say things that are really mean and I accuse them of things that aren't true. Why do I hate them? I love these people. Why do I feel all this hate though? I know that I'm kind of babbling but I just wonder at times. Why am I like this? Am I too Angry?
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