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AndrewH

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  1. I know all of that its just that she's stopped talking to me. And I know I effed up. I just need to give her some space.
  2. Okay the past few weeks have been crazy. My girlfriend and I have only been dating about two weeks when we said we were in love with each other. We've made out and are making plans for other dates. However last night I had a mental breakdown. So let's rewind things a bit. A lady on Instagram started flirting with me and sending me pictures (not ****s) three days ago. I started flirting back and in my mind I didn't think it was anything serious. I knew it was wrong but I was having fun. It was never more then that, I was just having fun. I guess I was feeling lonely and unsatisfied because I hadn't seen my girlfriend in a while. The thing is this lady was 25 and I am 17. Not legal. I don't blame her for anything because I was playing along I guess. Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine. Apparently she is in love (she is also 17) with a 25 year old man. Again that's not legal. Now she's talked about him a lot but I didn't know that last week they actually got together. They kissed and cuddled but that was it. Her parents found out and threatened to call the police on the guy if they ever saw him around their daughter again and forbid their daughter to contact him. Now this hit home for me. I had just been flirting with a 25 year old woman for the past couple days. I also realized that as my friend told me about this guy that it was wrong of me to play my little game. First I started crying and I told my friend to keep fighting that if she waits till she's 18 then they'll be fine legally. She had given up and I have never seen her give up or be sad before. She told me that she was never going to be happy for the rest of her life. So I reached out to him and asked him some questions. I told him to fight for her because she loves him so very much and he said he loved her to. Then I texted my girlfriend about my trysts with the lady on Instagram. I didn't know what I was thinking. It was the right thing to do but she wants us to talk in person and I understand that. I just. God I don't know my brain is just a jumble of emotions. I feel love, heartache, joy, sadness, depression, and a whole host of other things. I treated my girlfriend horribly. And when my girlfriend responded to me she didn't say she was angry. She said she was concerned that I thought just talking to a woman on Instagram would make her leave me. I've been in a hole all day. I woke up at 8:00 and didn't get out of my bed until 1:30. I've been a walking corpse all day. What am I doing to myself and how do I fix this? I'm so scared.
  3. Update! I asked her out and we went on a date. We are now officially dating. I've been in the clouds for the past couple days.
  4. I might wait a month or two I'm not madly in love with her (part of the reason I want to ask her on a date so I don't freak her out and seem creepy) I just like her but I also like my job. I can wait. It'd be great if we did date and eventually fell in love but I'm also wanting to learn how to date before college.
  5. I was wondering about this myself because there's this really nice girl that I've gotten to now. She makes me laugh and I make her laugh. She smiles when she looks at me. But I don't know if she might actually be interested in dating me or just acts like that around everyone. I know that she probably would be fine with a date or two at least but I am still struggling with low self-esteem and self-hate. I can't see why anyone would want to be with me. Sometimes I don't even want to be with me. I've been really worried about if I do start dating her and she finds out about my mental health issues she'll be scared and disappear. She doesn't go to my school so its not like she'll ever have to see me again if she does that. I've got a question though. I work as a seasonal employee at a gift shop. So does she. My current plan is to ask her for a date at the end of the summer when we are no longer coworkers. However, for those of you with your teenage years behind you two questions. A) have you ever dated a coworker when you were a teen and B) do you think it would be okay to date this person or even ask them out if we are working together? Please be honest.
  6. My school doesn't treat my depression and autism like it should. I have plenty of people that I know with down syndrome and dyslexia and they are treated well. But because I'm a high-functioning autistic kid who is depressed I don't get the same treatment. I wish they would give me adequate resources and understanding because like you I can function to the untrained eye but inside I'm tearing myself apart.
  7. So last night was amazing, me and my friends went and saw another friend in an outdoor theatrical production. We had a picnic and hung out for several hours before the show started. I had so much fun. This kind of thing has been what I've been hoping for the past year. I had so much fun and I was so happy and yet right now I'm feeling down. Its not as bad as it has been in the past when I've been suicidal but I'm just feeling a bit depressed right now. Why am I like this today? Yesterday was really good and I got to hang out with my friends. I don't understand what's going on. Could someone maybe help?
  8. I feel so very good today. I apologized to one of my classmates for being mean to them the past few years. She didn't think I had been but that's beside the point. She told me that she was sorry that I was hurting. I asked her how she knew I was hurting. (While I have told some people about my depression I had not told her) She told me that my friends had talked to her about it and how the school didn't provide for my mental health. It made me so, so very happy. No one had ever been concerned for me like that. The fact that my friends had taken time out of their day to let people know that I wasn't feeling well. It made me feel so loved. I know some people wouldn't like other people talking about their mental health issues but the fact that they were looking out for me and making sure other people knew I wasn't feeling well made me so very happy.
  9. I'm writing this really late at night I should be in bed but I can't sleep. Two days ago I increased my dosage from 50 to 100mg of anti-depressant. I went to a party with some friends, several of them got drunk and I was caring for one of them when they started to get tired and nauseous. She was sleeping over at the house and I got her a blanket and kissed her on the top of her head. I went home. I woke up the next morning and was head over heels in love with her. I couldn't do anything but think about her. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I had to tell her how I felt. She said she didn't feel the same way. An hour later those feelings vanished. I think it was my anti-depressant causing my brain to act weird. I told her and she said it was okay and that she understood I've been going through a rough time. That was yesterday. Today was okay. Tonight I started getting really depressed and I couldn't sleep. I miss my friends so much. I've only seen them two days ago but I miss them so much. I've got work tomorrow and I;m super stressed out. I haven't had friends for several years and am about to be a senior in high school. I;m trying to cram all the fun I missed these past three years into my last year in high school. I hate myself because I was online all of this year and I hate myself so much. I missed out on having friends and now I don't think i'll see them again. My mind keeps acting crazy and I',m sobbing as I write this. I don't understand what's happening to me. I just want it to end. I;m just going to keep writing because it is something to do. I'm going to put all this effort into these relationships but at the end of the year I'll probably never see them again. So what's the point? Why is it so hard for me? I can't sleep. I can't sleep i can't sleep. I'm just going to write because it seems to be making me feel better. I want to end it all sometimes. I don't want to **** myself but I want to go to bed and never wake up. I hate this life of mine but don't have the strength to end it or keep going. I'm caught at a crossroads and its driving me insane. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because all my friends have other lives. I don;t trust people. I;m paranoid. I'm trying to rush things. I can't think. I can't sleep. I doubt anyone has made it this far but I'm going to try and keep going. Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Boxcar, etc. Why. Why. Why. Why. It's 11:32 I've been at this for a quarter of an hour. I don't want to live. I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Nothing seems to help. I can;t seem to get happier. I tried watching porn and making myself feel loved. That didn't work. My friends say they care about me but that doesn't seem to have any effect. My parents say they love me but the same thing happens. I'm so numb. I have to go to work tomorrow and put on a grin and sell people useless shit all because I want money. For what though? Why do I want to live? Why should I keep going? I want to die. I want to die. I don't want to die. I can't decide. Maybe I can I don't know. I'm scared, so very scared. I don't want to tell my parents because then they'll send me to the hospital and I don't like that place. It's very scary. I;m scary. I hate myself I hate myself. What is happening to me. My mind keeps racing I can';t stop. 11:32 now still typing. This is just a stream of consciousness and thoughts. I want to be a kid! I want to have friends my age! Part of me wants to get drunk, to have sex, to make stupid decisions, but I don't know how. I'm rushing into all of this because I feel like I;m running out of time,. I haven't been a kid and I want to be a kid. I want to date pretty girls who like me back. I want to have fun. I want to do some much but I;m running out of time. I;m going to go to college in a year and it'll be all new people. Then I'll start the cycle again. Will it ever change. Sometimes I just want to join the military and volunteer for active duty in some warzone or join a terrorist group or join a mercenary company. I want to die on some forgotten street corner with a 50 year old bullet in my head on the other side of the world. I want friends so much but I don't have time to buidl the relationships and enjoy them before they're gone. I hope for a school shooting. I hope some tragic kid like me comes and I can take a bullet and die with everyone loving me. I wnat a robber to break into my house and shoot me. I want someone to rob my workplace and **** me. I want someone else to pull the trigger because I don't have the strength to. I've got an knife in my room and I could cut my wrists and be dead before I was found. But I can't. I guess part of me wants to live but I don't see why. My sister has friends and she's got a great life. It;s all so easy for her and she;s younger then me! My parents say if I **** myself that they'll be devestated or that it;ll get better. Will it? Will it? I gotta try and sleep but I don't think I can. I might try and masturbate to tire myself out but then I'd just feel dirty and icky inside. Leading to more self-hate. Help! Please anyone.
  10. I don't feel that good I haven't slipped that well in recent days with my finals and I've been crying a lot to. I'm really scared about everything. My body just curled up into a ball and didn't want to do anything except twitch occasionally. I felt like I didn't want to get better which really scared me. I've been trying to get friends and build relationships but I don't see how that'll be possible when I'm such a unstable wreck.
  11. That's so true. Some students at my high school blamed my staying online during the school year for my problems but the reason I stayed online was because of what has happened to me the past three years.
  12. Sometimes I don't believe them though and that's the problem.
  13. Keep going. Try to find some light. Even if its really small and it seems impossibly far off keep going. Today's been okay for me. I felt pretty bad the last two days and I just wanted to stay in bed but I played with my dog this morning and that has kept me going today.
  14. Today's an okay day for me. I've been getting some help from friends and teachers at my school. Life still sucks though but today's been okay. Keep going everyone<3
  15. You are good enough. We all are. It's the other people who are cruddy.
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