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Everything posted by Amaya

  1. looking at the comparison between these photos seeing the life in my face today versus my constantly drugged and suppressed state of just 3 weeks ago progress isnt linear or expected, but its always nice to see yourself happy
  2. its okay yeah it isnt the best feeling lol its crazy how one tiny scrap of metal can become your biggest resource
  3. ugh yeah ive literally taken it apart, battery and everything over and over again all last night till like 3am and i just couldnt deal with it anymore it would turn on for like 30 mins and i could snap people, then shut off and fail and refuse to boot, and id reboot it, then it wouldnt let me boot it because its a "corrupted device" then it let me boot it one last time but it wouldnt allow me to open snapchat or instagram and all of a sudden google play wouldnt let me use apps because of a "system error" then it shut off again and i was like well **** it, and texted a friend who has a lot of spares but they have to work and idk when they could deliver im just spiraling lol, its not a big deal, just annoying.
  4. dont give up do what you need to find peace with yourself and your life i understand exactly how you feel sometimes it seems like theres nothing but the pain, discomfort, or emptiness sometimes it feels like thats all that will ever be a constant variable in your life but despite that misery there is always a lovely experience waiting around a corner--somewhere you just have to wait these things out and find a way to cope until something brighters come around, lifes a rollercoaster full of highs and lows and rollercoasters arent all highs or all lows, its a mixture of the two hang on, love im so sorry youre hurting, i wish i could ship you a care package of happiness, a good support system, and bountiful free liquor.
  5. my cell phone's failed, and not being able to see notifications or not being able to tell certain people that I'm not dead is really stressing me out it happened last night it says its corrupted and i have a friend bringing me a spare in the next couple days, and i know that so my anxiety's unreasonable but it's really driving me crazy i cant check in with some other people either and even though i know theyre prolly okay agh this is really bugging me and i only have three cigarrettes left and i dont know how to destress and rationalize with myself, its such a trivial issue!
  6. this is so sad yet such a beautiful example of how even when life seems like shit, you can change certain aspects of it so its less painful im so happy you can reconnect with your family! good luck to you!
  7. happiness is in the small things like a de-carbonated mountain dew rise thats been opened and shared over the course of 2 hours a marlboro red's flame sleepily nearing its filter, comfortable between my two fingers, and Him next to me, alighting a fresh one between His chapped pursed lips a dark closed childhood park filled with distant reminiscent memories of a younger happier time, 4 am "Why'd the music stop?" "My phone died, let's use yours." Ray Lamontagne, "all the wild horses", Our song filling the cold early summer morning air Another burning sip of Jimmy Beam to numb the mournful apprehension of a later "The sun's rising, will you skate me home?" Our friendly neighborhood meth head offering us a soft powder, mumbling of Elmo and why Mac DeMarco is Jesus Christ returned You pulling me closer Please don't ever let me go Don't go Don't go Happiness is the small things i suppose, and i suppose the small experiences of life are what we are meant to live for For what else is there?
  8. Im so sorry. Feeling alone is a terrible feeling and I really feel for you. Its also an extremely painful thing to feel so hopelessly alone while watching the people around you have friends and connections and people who are there for them. The nostalgia of a happier more social time period of your life is also quite mournful in a way. Social anxiety is a really tough frustrating thing because it inhibits any rational thought processes; and the only real way to overcome social anxiety is by placing yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone, and gradually becoming accustomed to socialization. This, however, I know is terrifying, and Im so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. I hope you find what youre looking for and overcome the fear of reaching out to those around you.
  9. lol depends what youre looking for, whether its just a hookup or youre looking for a relationship lol i recommend always asking for socials beforehand, texting them for a bit, then asking them out! good luck to you love.
  10. Aw if a girl wants to go out with you it shouldn't be weird! Just keep your eyes out for social queues. If they aren´t interested don´t keep pressing for a date or hookup. Be confident but not an asshole you know?
  11. Thank you, it's okay. I always jump to the "die button" whenever I'm having a bipolar low lol, and it's always worse when I'm also on something. And the combination of those two things with current situations isn't that helpful haha. I'm sober at the moment though so I'm okay, thank you to those who responded, I hope everyone finds a way to cope with what life throws at them. Have a nice day!
  12. i cant stand to exist anymore but i cant **** myself because then who will care for him and her and him and she and them? those who claim to love me i don't love many people i hate myself i want to die i wont write my backstory here, im too lazy everything doesnt matter we'll all die by the end of next century. nothing matters. and i hate that nothing matters. and i hate that i dont matter. and you dont matter and they dont matter. i hate that i think this way. im sick of existing. yet im so scared of death. i overdosed on some perkies a couple nights ago n just had a small seizure and muscle spasms. the mindset i always have when im near death scares me because i dont care, i dont care if i live or die i just dont like the discomfort of my body failing and i hate that i hate everything about me and im high right now and none of this is comprehendable or coherent and i know that im sorry im so ****ing lonely yet i cant stop pushing everyone away i dont want to live anymore this is a pathetic cry for help yet theres no way or reason to help so why do i even ****ing bother or anyone or anything ****ing hell
  13. No, I have not, because I do not want to have another diagnoses. I have already been diagnosed with bipolar depression disorder, I've already been in inpatient treatments for other incidents, and my worst fear is to be put into another treatment program, just for a different illness. I've also once again become attached to my ED, and to abandon it feels almost repulsive. These thoughts I'm aware are part of my bipolar disorder, because some days I desperately want help, and the next the very thought of being healthy makes me want to tear up my insides. It's a constant battle between two parts of me, all the time, and it sucks, but I'm okay living the way I do. I think i've become at peace with the thought that maybe I'm meant to be sick, and I've found comfort in many of my "unhealthy" behaviors. I don't think a long life is worth living anyways if it's the path that every other "healthy" person has carved out for you and deemed "normal." Yet I'm so strangely aware that this is a darker part of me talking, and perhaps the lighter half will take over my brain in a week or so, and I will be preaching the opposite.
  14. For a very short period of time, I felt like I "recovered" from my eating disorder. And by "recovered," I mean I gained weight through massive binges and refused to purge them to try to "break the cycle." I felt like I recovered because I am no longer underweight and no longer a restrict-binge-purge anorexia sub type. Even though people continue to tell me I am thin, I am the one seeing the scale every morning. I am the one who knows I'm no longer my sacred lowest weight. I resumed purging almost a month ago, and now fit the criteria for bulimia because I am a normal weight. I am not recovered. I just adopted a new disordered way of eating. Because my sick head desperately wants to reach a startling weight even lower than my lowest weight, and because my sick head has "had enough of being fat," I began restricting again two weeks ago and resumed exercising. But already my exercising has once again become compulsive. Random bursts of jumping jacks whenever I consume as much as a cup of black coffee, jogging around my house as much as possible, hours of walking up and down hills because I've already become too low on energy to go on runs. And now, I have mini panic attacks when certain foods are near me. That never used to happen, even when I was underweight and anorexic. I never used to panic around food, I just didn't eat it, or if I did, didn't keep it inside of me. But even yesterday, my mom (bless her, this was so lovely of her) brought home groceries and brought me some new vegan snacks she thought I would enjoy, and she was so proud of what she bought me. But all I could do was smile and say thank you while my heart raced as I saw all of the groceries spread out on our kitchen counter, and the foods she had bought for me: vegan pizza, vegan spinach potato chips, and a seedy bread. Forbidden foods. Pizza. Chips. Bread. I ate 5 chips in front of her to show my appreciation, and then promptly went on a two hour walk in the rain. I am scared to weigh myself and avoid the scale, which is a new development as well. I don't want to see the number because I know the three digit value will send me hyperventilating, and so I'd rather just wait until I know I've lost a significant amount. Already I'm feeling the effects of my behavior. I felt this way 24/7 when I was anorexic. Weak. Exhausted. Constantly irritable and feeling on the verge of passing out. Constipated. Brain dead. Yayyyyy here we go again. Eating disorders. Golly gee, how romantic. Writing this, and contemplating it, I am aware of how ridiculous it is. I think that is the hardest part. Knowing it isn't normal but feeling like you just have to live this way anyway, despite the lack of logic. It's so hard knowing you are mentally ill, knowing it oh so well, and at the same time feeling powerless to heal yourself. I am "relapsing," but I know deep down I was never "better" or "recovered." And that breaks my heart.
  15. thank you. i needed to hear that. i hear of people seperating themselves from their disorder like it's another person. i feel like i need to start doing that, and what you said makes so much sense. thank you so much
  16. i feel in the grips of loss. loss of friends. loss of a relationship that i invested so much love, time, and energy in. loss of myself and who i used to be. loss of sobriety. loss of clean streaks against self harm. loss of control. loss of motivation i feel at a loss of most of the lovely things in my life, and i feel like im failing in all i do.
  17. obvious eating disorder but refusing to get diagnosed/treatment? is it not a disorder unless its on paper?
  18. thank you for the response, it is very appreciated. i do not know how to stop myself from relapsing and that scares me because i often times feel like there are two people in my head, one saying "it's time to heal so you can live a happy life" and the other saying "you will only be happy if you are thin, on drugs, and having control over the pain you cause yourself." part of me wants to save myself and get out of this tunnel, and the other part of me constantly tries to pull me in deeper. i have already relapsed in self harm after a year of being clean, which feels like such a loss. i was so proud of being clean. and now im afraid im already relapsing in my ED, as my restrict/purge when feel like eaten too much behaviors are resurfacing. i would love help and advice finding new ways to cope with painful situations in life that don't lead me back down my deadly road. its miserable and i dont want to go back, but i know im not strong enough to stop myself. im too young to feel this way and i know there are more lovely things out there in the world than exposed rib cages and psychedelics. i just need help remembering that - i hope we all get better soon
  19. 4 months ago I reached a concerning low weight because of my binge/purge anorexia subtype and my family and friends and boyfriend at the time were becoming very alarmed at my appearance. even though i denied having an eating disorder and blamed my underweight figure on my rigid vegan diet and exercise, and that "yes im eating enough. dont worry," my loved ones were very suspicious and my mom and aunt accused me of having bulimia, which I quickly shot down. then one night my mom overheard me purging in my bathroom and became very upset, threatening to take me to a facility. this was especially terrifying to me because i've already been in a facility twice for self harm and suicide attempts and drug abuse, and my previous doctor visit had already informed my mom that my weight was already very low at the time (because of drug use, but thankfully i have been clean for almost half a year now! except for occasional drinking which i still need help with) before i started restricting and purging. so, me being desperate, convinced my mom i was not purging and didnt have bulimia after a few hours of tears and fighting. my mom still threatened to start weighing me if i continued to lose weight, which also terrified me because I knew my weight and how very low it was. so I forced myself to gain weight, but because I started letting myself eat again my body turned against me and i binged on everything, going against everything my eating disorder screamed in my mind. i gained my weight back, and i am no longer underweight! i am normal and healthy, but my ED tells me that i am only lovely if I am underweight, and now I am fat and need to starve again. i feel like every bite i take i am failing the eating disorder that was a big part of me for a long time but i know i cant go back to my old habits and end back up in a treatment facility. i even let a year long relationship with someone i loved very much end because i didnt want him to have to deal with my mental illness any longer. shouldn't all these things make me want to stay healthy? why do I feel like I am failing myself, and am on the verge of a relapse?
  20. hi! my name's Amaya and I'm just looking for someone to talk to who understands topics like eating disorders and self harm and coping with depression and feelings of loss and failure.  these past 2 years have been really rough for me and I feel like most of the people in my life don't understand what I go through.  But I know on here there will be many who share my experiences, so I'd love to chat with anybody! Maybe we can help eachother!!


  21. new here, isolated myself from the real people in my life because of my mental health issues. now feeling alone and needing someone to talk to. thank you for the info
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