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Amaya

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About Amaya

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 12/06/2004

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    WA
  • Interests
    vibing with friends, overfeeding my cat, south park marathons, long hikes and writing music, essays, and poetry

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  1. For a very short period of time, I felt like I "recovered" from my eating disorder. And by "recovered," I mean I gained weight through massive binges and refused to purge them to try to "break the cycle." I felt like I recovered because I am no longer underweight and no longer a restrict-binge-purge anorexia sub type. Even though people continue to tell me I am thin, I am the one seeing the scale every morning. I am the one who knows I'm no longer my sacred lowest weight. I resumed purging almost a month ago, and now fit the criteria for bulimia because I am a normal weight. I am not recovered. I just adopted a new disordered way of eating. Because my sick head desperately wants to reach a startling weight even lower than my lowest weight, and because my sick head has "had enough of being fat," I began restricting again two weeks ago and resumed exercising. But already my exercising has once again become compulsive. Random bursts of jumping jacks whenever I consume as much as a cup of black coffee, jogging around my house as much as possible, hours of walking up and down hills because I've already become too low on energy to go on runs. And now, I have mini panic attacks when certain foods are near me. That never used to happen, even when I was underweight and anorexic. I never used to panic around food, I just didn't eat it, or if I did, didn't keep it inside of me. But even yesterday, my mom (bless her, this was so lovely of her) brought home groceries and brought me some new vegan snacks she thought I would enjoy, and she was so proud of what she bought me. But all I could do was smile and say thank you while my heart raced as I saw all of the groceries spread out on our kitchen counter, and the foods she had bought for me: vegan pizza, vegan spinach potato chips, and a seedy bread. Forbidden foods. Pizza. Chips. Bread. I ate 5 chips in front of her to show my appreciation, and then promptly went on a two hour walk in the rain. I am scared to weigh myself and avoid the scale, which is a new development as well. I don't want to see the number because I know the three digit value will send me hyperventilating, and so I'd rather just wait until I know I've lost a significant amount. Already I'm feeling the effects of my behavior. I felt this way 24/7 when I was anorexic. Weak. Exhausted. Constantly irritable and feeling on the verge of passing out. Constipated. Brain dead. Yayyyyy here we go again. Eating disorders. Golly gee, how romantic. Writing this, and contemplating it, I am aware of how ridiculous it is. I think that is the hardest part. Knowing it isn't normal but feeling like you just have to live this way anyway, despite the lack of logic. It's so hard knowing you are mentally ill, knowing it oh so well, and at the same time feeling powerless to heal yourself. I am "relapsing," but I know deep down I was never "better" or "recovered." And that breaks my heart.
  2. thank you. i needed to hear that. i hear of people seperating themselves from their disorder like it's another person. i feel like i need to start doing that, and what you said makes so much sense. thank you so much
  3. i feel in the grips of loss. loss of friends. loss of a relationship that i invested so much love, time, and energy in. loss of myself and who i used to be. loss of sobriety. loss of clean streaks against self harm. loss of control. loss of motivation i feel at a loss of most of the lovely things in my life, and i feel like im failing in all i do.
  4. obvious eating disorder but refusing to get diagnosed/treatment? is it not a disorder unless its on paper?
  5. thank you for the response, it is very appreciated. i do not know how to stop myself from relapsing and that scares me because i often times feel like there are two people in my head, one saying "it's time to heal so you can live a happy life" and the other saying "you will only be happy if you are thin, on drugs, and having control over the pain you cause yourself." part of me wants to save myself and get out of this tunnel, and the other part of me constantly tries to pull me in deeper. i have already relapsed in self harm after a year of being clean, which feels like such a loss. i was so proud of being clean. and now im afraid im already relapsing in my ED, as my restrict/purge when feel like eaten too much behaviors are resurfacing. i would love help and advice finding new ways to cope with painful situations in life that don't lead me back down my deadly road. its miserable and i dont want to go back, but i know im not strong enough to stop myself. im too young to feel this way and i know there are more lovely things out there in the world than exposed rib cages and psychedelics. i just need help remembering that - i hope we all get better soon
  6. 4 months ago I reached a concerning low weight because of my binge/purge anorexia subtype and my family and friends and boyfriend at the time were becoming very alarmed at my appearance. even though i denied having an eating disorder and blamed my underweight figure on my rigid vegan diet and exercise, and that "yes im eating enough. dont worry," my loved ones were very suspicious and my mom and aunt accused me of having bulimia, which I quickly shot down. then one night my mom overheard me purging in my bathroom and became very upset, threatening to take me to a facility. this was especially terrifying to me because i've already been in a facility twice for self harm and suicide attempts and drug abuse, and my previous doctor visit had already informed my mom that my weight was already very low at the time (because of drug use, but thankfully i have been clean for almost half a year now! except for occasional drinking which i still need help with) before i started restricting and purging. so, me being desperate, convinced my mom i was not purging and didnt have bulimia after a few hours of tears and fighting. my mom still threatened to start weighing me if i continued to lose weight, which also terrified me because I knew my weight and how very low it was. so I forced myself to gain weight, but because I started letting myself eat again my body turned against me and i binged on everything, going against everything my eating disorder screamed in my mind. i gained my weight back, and i am no longer underweight! i am normal and healthy, but my ED tells me that i am only lovely if I am underweight, and now I am fat and need to starve again. i feel like every bite i take i am failing the eating disorder that was a big part of me for a long time but i know i cant go back to my old habits and end back up in a treatment facility. i even let a year long relationship with someone i loved very much end because i didnt want him to have to deal with my mental illness any longer. shouldn't all these things make me want to stay healthy? why do I feel like I am failing myself, and am on the verge of a relapse?
  7. hi! my name's Amaya and I'm just looking for someone to talk to who understands topics like eating disorders and self harm and coping with depression and feelings of loss and failure.  these past 2 years have been really rough for me and I feel like most of the people in my life don't understand what I go through.  But I know on here there will be many who share my experiences, so I'd love to chat with anybody! Maybe we can help eachother!!

    xoxo

  8. new here, isolated myself from the real people in my life because of my mental health issues. now feeling alone and needing someone to talk to. thank you for the info
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