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About Amaya

  • Birthday 12/06/2004

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    skating around town, anything with friends, drug abuse WOOHOO
    and literally anything else that boosts my dopamine, serotonin, or endorphin levels :D. Cheers. :D.

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  1. looking at the comparison between these photos seeing the life in my face today versus my constantly drugged and suppressed state of just 3 weeks ago progress isnt linear or expected, but its always nice to see yourself happy
  2. its okay yeah it isnt the best feeling lol its crazy how one tiny scrap of metal can become your biggest resource
  3. ugh yeah ive literally taken it apart, battery and everything over and over again all last night till like 3am and i just couldnt deal with it anymore it would turn on for like 30 mins and i could snap people, then shut off and fail and refuse to boot, and id reboot it, then it wouldnt let me boot it because its a "corrupted device" then it let me boot it one last time but it wouldnt allow me to open snapchat or instagram and all of a sudden google play wouldnt let me use apps because of a "system error" then it shut off again and i was like well **** it, and texted a friend who has a lot of spares but they have to work and idk when they could deliver im just spiraling lol, its not a big deal, just annoying.
  4. dont give up do what you need to find peace with yourself and your life i understand exactly how you feel sometimes it seems like theres nothing but the pain, discomfort, or emptiness sometimes it feels like thats all that will ever be a constant variable in your life but despite that misery there is always a lovely experience waiting around a corner--somewhere you just have to wait these things out and find a way to cope until something brighters come around, lifes a rollercoaster full of highs and lows and rollercoasters arent all highs or all lows, its a mixture of the two hang on, love im so sorry youre hurting, i wish i could ship you a care package of happiness, a good support system, and bountiful free liquor.
  5. my cell phone's failed, and not being able to see notifications or not being able to tell certain people that I'm not dead is really stressing me out it happened last night it says its corrupted and i have a friend bringing me a spare in the next couple days, and i know that so my anxiety's unreasonable but it's really driving me crazy i cant check in with some other people either and even though i know theyre prolly okay agh this is really bugging me and i only have three cigarrettes left and i dont know how to destress and rationalize with myself, its such a trivial issue!
  6. this is so sad yet such a beautiful example of how even when life seems like shit, you can change certain aspects of it so its less painful im so happy you can reconnect with your family! good luck to you!
  7. happiness is in the small things like a de-carbonated mountain dew rise thats been opened and shared over the course of 2 hours a marlboro red's flame sleepily nearing its filter, comfortable between my two fingers, and Him next to me, alighting a fresh one between His chapped pursed lips a dark closed childhood park filled with distant reminiscent memories of a younger happier time, 4 am "Why'd the music stop?" "My phone died, let's use yours." Ray Lamontagne, "all the wild horses", Our song filling the cold early summer morning air Another burning sip of Jimmy Beam to numb the mournful apprehension of a later "The sun's rising, will you skate me home?" Our friendly neighborhood meth head offering us a soft powder, mumbling of Elmo and why Mac DeMarco is Jesus Christ returned You pulling me closer Please don't ever let me go Don't go Don't go Happiness is the small things i suppose, and i suppose the small experiences of life are what we are meant to live for For what else is there?
  8. Im so sorry. Feeling alone is a terrible feeling and I really feel for you. Its also an extremely painful thing to feel so hopelessly alone while watching the people around you have friends and connections and people who are there for them. The nostalgia of a happier more social time period of your life is also quite mournful in a way. Social anxiety is a really tough frustrating thing because it inhibits any rational thought processes; and the only real way to overcome social anxiety is by placing yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone, and gradually becoming accustomed to socialization. This, however, I know is terrifying, and Im so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. I hope you find what youre looking for and overcome the fear of reaching out to those around you.
  9. lol depends what youre looking for, whether its just a hookup or youre looking for a relationship lol i recommend always asking for socials beforehand, texting them for a bit, then asking them out! good luck to you love.
  10. Aw if a girl wants to go out with you it shouldn't be weird! Just keep your eyes out for social queues. If they aren´t interested don´t keep pressing for a date or hookup. Be confident but not an asshole you know?
  11. Thank you, it's okay. I always jump to the "die button" whenever I'm having a bipolar low lol, and it's always worse when I'm also on something. And the combination of those two things with current situations isn't that helpful haha. I'm sober at the moment though so I'm okay, thank you to those who responded, I hope everyone finds a way to cope with what life throws at them. Have a nice day!
  12. i cant stand to exist anymore but i cant **** myself because then who will care for him and her and him and she and them? those who claim to love me i don't love many people i hate myself i want to die i wont write my backstory here, im too lazy everything doesnt matter we'll all die by the end of next century. nothing matters. and i hate that nothing matters. and i hate that i dont matter. and you dont matter and they dont matter. i hate that i think this way. im sick of existing. yet im so scared of death. i overdosed on some perkies a couple nights ago n just had a small seizure and muscle spasms. the mindset i always have when im near death scares me because i dont care, i dont care if i live or die i just dont like the discomfort of my body failing and i hate that i hate everything about me and im high right now and none of this is comprehendable or coherent and i know that im sorry im so ****ing lonely yet i cant stop pushing everyone away i dont want to live anymore this is a pathetic cry for help yet theres no way or reason to help so why do i even ****ing bother or anyone or anything ****ing hell
  13. No, I have not, because I do not want to have another diagnoses. I have already been diagnosed with bipolar depression disorder, I've already been in inpatient treatments for other incidents, and my worst fear is to be put into another treatment program, just for a different illness. I've also once again become attached to my ED, and to abandon it feels almost repulsive. These thoughts I'm aware are part of my bipolar disorder, because some days I desperately want help, and the next the very thought of being healthy makes me want to tear up my insides. It's a constant battle between two parts of me, all the time, and it sucks, but I'm okay living the way I do. I think i've become at peace with the thought that maybe I'm meant to be sick, and I've found comfort in many of my "unhealthy" behaviors. I don't think a long life is worth living anyways if it's the path that every other "healthy" person has carved out for you and deemed "normal." Yet I'm so strangely aware that this is a darker part of me talking, and perhaps the lighter half will take over my brain in a week or so, and I will be preaching the opposite.
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