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About samsaferrari

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  1. Ok so I explained to my doctor I have no psychiatrist and probably need some sort of medical aid helping me with my anxiety and depression. I told him I have a lot of depression and he mentioned prescribing me Wellbutrin in order to help me 'get activated in the morning' and get the jumpstart I need, like a cup of coffee, when I have stuff to do every day. Sounds very nice. I told him, though, I have more of an issue concentrating or feeling able to do work because I am constantly TENSE and don't feel limber, so I don't like working or doing anything that requires 'activation', as he puts it, because it's uncomfortable. He mentioned as a main draw for Wellbutrin that it's not addictive but I haven't really had addiction issues in a long time. Just feeling ****ing encased and tense, and that's when he suggested Buspirone. Anyone know anything about this in comparison to Wellbutrin, and related to my issues? I've had so many issues with pharmacies in general as of late, so I thought I'd ask around here, maybe get some advice for once. Thanks in advance.
  2. I'm trying so hard to find the right therapist. One that doesn't make fun of me during the first meeting and actually seems willing to listen and relate. I only get laughed at, though. Seriously, ask me about it. It frickin' sucks.
  3. Well, I don't really go out of my way to seek treatment not because a fear of the stigma but because nobody listens to me and prescribes me the right way. If I self-harm and end up in the crisis center, they'll give me a 'chill pill' that if I had on any regular Wednesday, I'd be able to get so ahead in life that I probably wouldn't have such a negative outlook. But if I complain about all the real-life triggers like being stalked and harassed, or my friends and family becoming my abusers, then I get labeled as 'schizophrenic' and given meds that make me feel like I'm buried in a coffin. However, in this current state without meds I feel totally defenseless against these people that want me dead. So what the **** am I supposed to do? If there was a stigma and less people were getting treated, maybe I'd find someone with a similar story, but I can't be the only person who's accepted medication just to get certain things off my back, and suffered quietly because I didn't want to get reprimanded by a healthcare system that prefers to lock people up and mistreat them. Getting abused inside a crisis center is not an experience I want to repeat.
  4. I wish it was just shame and I could get over things with some refreshers on body positivity but I should also mention I'm getting stalked as of late and that's been adding to my usual distress.
  5. Ok so hello. I'm 23 years old except it felt like I was dead the entire time I was 22. I don't want to talk about that a whole lot but I'm kind of at a loss of where to start because I don't really know what I'm here for except I can't get anything done, I can't stave off the bad, depressive thoughts no matter what I do and I keep crying every time I think about my situation or think with my real thoughts (i.e. thoughts other than "I need/want to eat" or "take a shower to cope"). Before my depression got really bad I had a pretty concrete idea of who I was or at least who I wanted to be and it got crushed pretty severely. Then, because I'm online a lot, I let a ton of stuff get to me. All the jokes/memes I used to enjoy started to bother me because, I don't know, I started growing up and life started feeling more real? Like, I used to make jokes about real life, as if I wasn't living life, and then realized that people live their lives, and make jokes about abstract things whereas I feel very incorporeal and prefer to make fun of what others call 'real life'. And I made some mistakes that really corrupted what was not a bad life but I wasn't enjoying because my body feels broken or like it's fighting against itself at all times. I feel like I'm allergic to emotional connection and honesty. I have a narcissistic personality and some bipolar traits I've wanted to address with therapists but I haven't felt safe or able to be emotionally vulnerable for like, a year, since I stopped seeing my therapist I was connected to through my college. Now my academic career has been prolonged but I don't want to stress about it. I feel really unsafe talking to new therapists even though I seriously need one. I have no idea how to turn my defenses off without feeling like I'm going to be killed. I used to sit by my window and imagine someone aiming a gun at me, and now I live in an apartment complex where I can't see the street, or anywhere else, except other people's windows. The last thing I remember before my depression getting really bad was reading an extremely dark novel that intrigued me so much that it felt like I was finally reading something real, and ever since then, I've hardly been able to read books to cope with depression. Perhaps my next move should be finding that book again. I'm just tired of chasing after happiness and not finding it wherever I go. But, there's my introduction. I'm probably leaving out stuff I'll think of later on... Hi.
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