Thank you, all, I appreciate the understanding.
@sober4life, thank you, indeed, I think the struggle to sleep is maybe also a contributing factor to my short-term memory issues, but yeah, just have to cope somehow, jogging a bit takes the anxiety away a bit, but it just keep on returning, feeling constantly tense and out of control.
@Epictetus, firstly, love the name, I love how Stoicism teaches us to realize resilience and how you are only in control of yourself, sadly, I feel a lack of control and I do not know how to get unstuck
@Toji Yes, it is hard, I wish I could tell you I came to some realization and that things will work out, I am trying to stay positive really hard, but having no income, no job, I am trying to start a small business, but really it is hard, I wish there was some way to find focus and direction again.
@Atra Thank you for your kindness, it is really difficult to find positive things to say about myself, when I look at myself all I see is someone I hate and resent for just not being good enough and just being a total failure, I try and do some positive affirmations but negative thoughts just come by themselves.
Saw Ingrid Michaelson and Zayn's song on youtube this week and that really spoke to me, I wish I could begin again, I wish I can really believe the sun will shine again I want to believe that life is more than just suffering, I want to believe that I stand up again and not hate myself so damn much, even when I'm not having these thoughts, my body feels tense the whole time and I''m tired and I wish I could just have a clear head again, I feel like I'm forgetting things all the time, just want to have focus again.
When I did my apprenticeship I actually taught the juniors a lot, the only thing I was ever really good at was having a strong theorectical background, that was good in university, but in the real practical world it doesnt help if you can rehearse the whole body of knowledge chapter and verse, but not be able to solve things practically and just interact good with others.
I am just in a dark place, feeling tensed up, out of control and really, the brain fog is not helping either, I am not finding employment but am working on it to start a small business, but yeah, I am trying, but I struggle to find hope and to keep trying to stand up, the thought of just ending it all is never too far away, I have put much thought into that and I know that when I do it, it will work, but yeah, I wish I could know I can make a postive contribution again and that my mind will clear and I am not going crazy.
But I am trying, I do not know how much value I have left, but I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just want to find my place in the sun and bring the darkness of my mind under control.