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Hazybear

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  1. Best @Tmansdc, I can definitely relate, although I have never used anti-depressants, I also stopped using my sleeping meds that used to help me sleep at least a bit. I am also battling with weight gain, I am also trying to walk and jog a bit and although I am not really interested in food as I used to be, whatever I find, I will just eat for no reason. I am sorry to hear that you also feel flat and joyless, it is very tiring to feel life is just passing you by like this I too am struggling with the ability to focus, having short term memory problems and just a general sense of sadness and dreadfulness, I am sure this must be linked to depression, although I too used some weed and although everyone says it is safe, after smoking mouldy weed I had like a whole year go by not really remembering it and although I havent smoked in 6 months, I am still feeling a lot of brain fog and unable to concentrate. I can definitely say that walking definitely helps me to feel more stable, so don''t know if you want to maybe try more brisk walking, it does clear my mind a little bit. I am with you with going to a doctor, I am also resisting going to a doctor as I currently have no income and don't really want to sit with more financial burdens, but maybe you should go. I wish I could tell you how to fix this, I am really having the same issues and also looking for answers too, but I do feel like writing out how I feel on here at least helps a little bit too and reading posts like yours also helps me to feel like I am not alone or that it's only me that is going crazy. So write out how you feel even if people do not always respond, that also helps, but the people on here seem like really nice people that can understand and that helps too. I am not really a big music listener, but this new song of Ingrid Michaelson and Zayne, ""To begin again"" did help to cheer me up a bit, maybe it or something positive like that will maybe help you too.
  2. Thank you, all, I appreciate the understanding. @sober4life, thank you, indeed, I think the struggle to sleep is maybe also a contributing factor to my short-term memory issues, but yeah, just have to cope somehow, jogging a bit takes the anxiety away a bit, but it just keep on returning, feeling constantly tense and out of control. @Epictetus, firstly, love the name, I love how Stoicism teaches us to realize resilience and how you are only in control of yourself, sadly, I feel a lack of control and I do not know how to get unstuck @Toji Yes, it is hard, I wish I could tell you I came to some realization and that things will work out, I am trying to stay positive really hard, but having no income, no job, I am trying to start a small business, but really it is hard, I wish there was some way to find focus and direction again. @Atra Thank you for your kindness, it is really difficult to find positive things to say about myself, when I look at myself all I see is someone I hate and resent for just not being good enough and just being a total failure, I try and do some positive affirmations but negative thoughts just come by themselves. Saw Ingrid Michaelson and Zayn's song on youtube this week and that really spoke to me, I wish I could begin again, I wish I can really believe the sun will shine again I want to believe that life is more than just suffering, I want to believe that I stand up again and not hate myself so damn much, even when I'm not having these thoughts, my body feels tense the whole time and I''m tired and I wish I could just have a clear head again, I feel like I'm forgetting things all the time, just want to have focus again. When I did my apprenticeship I actually taught the juniors a lot, the only thing I was ever really good at was having a strong theorectical background, that was good in university, but in the real practical world it doesnt help if you can rehearse the whole body of knowledge chapter and verse, but not be able to solve things practically and just interact good with others. I am just in a dark place, feeling tensed up, out of control and really, the brain fog is not helping either, I am not finding employment but am working on it to start a small business, but yeah, I am trying, but I struggle to find hope and to keep trying to stand up, the thought of just ending it all is never too far away, I have put much thought into that and I know that when I do it, it will work, but yeah, I wish I could know I can make a postive contribution again and that my mind will clear and I am not going crazy. But I am trying, I do not know how much value I have left, but I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just want to find my place in the sun and bring the darkness of my mind under control.
  3. Dear DF, This is my first post after signing up yesterday, I''ve read the forum T''s & C's and the welcome stuff, still unsure where to post this, I would feel more comfortable if it was in a members only type zone - away from just a hard public setting, but this is me, reaching out. I am not sure, but I suspect I am on the autism spectrum somewhere, I''m almost 40 yo and never really made any friends, really, I''ve never been able to connect with people. I never smoked or drinked and I''ve never even held a lady''s hand. Until one time I smoked some weed, it was damp and left it and smoked it later again when it became mouldy, couldn't remember almost anything about that whole year, I still struggle now with anxiety, short-term memory problems and my attention span. I also lost my job and have been looking for a new job for almost a year now, pretty much, I got frustrated with a client and yeah... I am taking some OTC anxiety meds and sleeping pills, but usually I only get about 3 or 4 hours sleep at most and mostly awake from after 2 am. I am feeling constantly tensed and like a weird light headedness, I work with data a lot and really, I sometimes have panic attacks and can't think straight, I don't know why I cannot focus, my mind just seems to go blank. I have also long suspected I may be on the spectrum and although I cannot really connect with people, I can still act professionally, but having this constant anxiety and struggling with short-term memory problems and the lack of focus, it is taking its toll and I am left thinking if this life is even worth living any more. So I keep on applying for jobs and really, I feel kind of lost, scared, tired and I find it harder and harder to stay calm and be positive. I am too tired and too stressed and I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. I also worry that if I do find a job I will not be able to perform and I have fears about this short term memory problem I''m starting to have.
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