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Everything posted by vega57

  1. Not getting over it has to do more with your MI than you may realize,we tend to over do everything. But to a certain point feeling just a bit guilty could be a good thing, its your antenna in life but don't let ruin your life. As you said: God has forgiven you, now accept it and move on. Believe me, there's many more things that should concern you and this isn't one of them.
  2. The reality for us is that black will always be part of each and everyone of us but every once in a while other colors will pop in. Yeah we could and should seek bright colors for our lives but at least we don't always have blackouts.
  3. my granddaughter talk my ear off, thank god that my new hearing aides can control where i pick up sounds from. lol.
  4. black with a little bit of grey, as most times but i always hold out hope for a little yellow to break through to brighten my day and life.
  5. welcome, good to meet you. first you must understand that we who suffer from any type of mental illness perceive and absorb things very different from those who don't and this impacts our thought process. guilt in many different situations also may effect us more negatively and we try to make up for the way we feel, this is a constant battle for me. God is important to me also but religion as many see it is has become less so; i can not nor will i try to please anyone which many people in church expect. Yes the apostle paul speaks of the struggle of thinking and doing what is contrary to what one really wants or aims to do but we are fallible humans and far from perfect and its quite impossible to be so. so many things have happened to me and my family as of late that doubt creeps in my thoughts and soul constantly, its a constant battle but no need to concern yourself with this sin for the very fact that it concerns you or others is proof that you have not committed it. where it talks about this it is dealing with people who are studied such priests, pastors, rabbi, etc by stating and meaning that what God does or did is really the work of satan, there is much more to this but this is not the place discuss religion but i will tell you that you have not committed anything by you thoughts alone. again welcome to an awesome site. i had actually forgotten about this topic, it seems so long and many things ago.
  6. I really don't know where to post anymore or even if I should, I'm so tired of mostly unfairly things happening to my family. Aside from all the recent deaths in my family, the vehicle accident involving my sister today my wife received the news that she has a brain tumor, small, approximately 22 centimeters and will have a biopsy next week. Not to be unsympathetic or not care about others or their suffering but I'm tired of of my family bit hit over and over and I'm scared for my wife and what can potentially happen to her and what my family and I will have to endure as if all the suffering now isn't enough. I'm drained, have no more tears but much anger, helplessness and hopelessness. I'm just plain tired and maybe even defeated. If I've posted in the wrong place feel free to move it, delete it or whatever.
  7. Spoke to soon but this will not change the fact that we can have a good year. One of my sisters had a head on collision Sunday, they were in Pasadena for the Roses Parade and USC game. Fortunately she'll make a full recovery but she sustained six broken ribs, callor bone and other injuries. The fact that they were in truck saved their lives. But don't give up people the sun does shine upon us even if it's a bit overcast at times.
  8. Yes we kid so here's going to a very good year to you, yours and everyone else. Wait is this an oxymoron? Can we have good anything? Lol. Yes we can so let's give it a whirl. I'm starting off with a 25 mile ride in the Tour de Palm Springs. I'm determined this year.
  9. Wishing everyone a happy, safe and mental prosperity. That everyone has a much better year all around.
  10. I must give kudos to my local va, they have treated me very well all around. I hear horror stories about the va but except for a brief period I'm pretty happy. Warrior sadly or fortunatelyafter my brother's death doors opened rapidly, I would get calls three times a week from my therapist and others for a safety/health check. Brother don't give up on yourself or the wife. Things can turn around, we just have to keep our hearts and minds open to it.
  11. Txs. I'm always hopeful. Can't say it's been easy to not use meds as a matter of I did take meds for a few nights after my brother died but only for a few nights. After the third night they had the opposite effect and kept me awake, at least I assume it was the medication so now I'm taking high dose of multi vitamins and melatonin at night. Things are way not the way i prefer but unless I absolutely have to take meds I'll continue with the exercises, woodworking and generally stay busy but the nights are still the hardest time but I'm learning not to anticipate bad nights. Everyone keep up the good fight.
  12. Good for you. I did the same as few years ago and so far I've been ok. I didn't like feeling "happy" constantly; my emotions were almost non existent, nothing bothered me and I didn't feel the emotional connection to my family. At times its not easy, especially these past 2 months but I think it's human nature to feel emotional, to cry, feel sad but also to laugh from deep down, to emphasize with others, feel their pain, etc. I do all this now and I hope to be able to stay the course.
  13. Welcome to an awesome site. I too suffer from PTSD, was confirmed recently but first diagnosed in 79 the first time I came home from military service. I want to tell you how sincerely sorry I am about your diagnosis and your current situation. I need to give a bit of background: aside from my service my brother was one of the police officers killed in Palm Springs on October 8 along with officer Lesley Z, a third was physically wounded but many more were mentally and emotionally wounded, a few have returned to work but some never will. There was a 23 year old officer with less than one year of service, he was one of the first one seen while it was happening. As you know I can't go into more detail because of the on going trial. My eldest sister died the following month from a stroke she suffered the day my brother died, physically she could have recovered a bit but she chose not to, we buried her December 1. My wife and I have lost 2 adult children and a child, 1 other of my brothers and my wife lost 2 sisters to cancer this past year, so it's been quite a hard time. We are going on our 37th year of marriage, it's been very good but as many couples we've had ups and downs but lately like your marriage it's been very stressful, lots of arguments for insignificant things, things that in the past would have meant nothing but not a small thing can set either one of us off. Why? I'm assuming the stress, sadness, anger, hopelessness, depression, fill in the blanks. Is there hope for us, I'd like to think so but I don't really know. It's not for a lack of love but I think it's a lack of understanding on both of our parts and like your wife, my wife has had to live my suffering, anger outbursts, etc and now she has her own anger on top of mine. I can suggest that if you aren't receiving professional career you should but I assume that as a former cop you are. I can't give you answers because I'm seeking them myself. I was fortunate enough to finally, by happenstance and or God's guidance to find a very caring therapist who like me is a Christian, actually I think the va is finally utilizing Christian therapist. I was very angry besides sad, depressed and confused among other things. The one thing I can suggest is that you both try to be patient with each other and try to conversate, the problem with this for me is that my wife sees my ptsd as being MY problem that she didn't sign up for. Had I known that I had it I would done things differently. I hope for the best for you and your wife. One thing my therapist told me and it has helped is that our adult children can't be our priority, it has to be you and your wife.
  14. vega57


    Don't know if there's a category for this so I'm posting here. I was recently diagnosed or better yet my diagnosis was recently confirmed of PTSD. I was initially given this diagnosis back in 79 when I first returned from my military service but nothing came of it and I didn't pursue it as I should have but back then I didn't really concern myself with it much. Doctors said I had bipolar among other things and was given lithium which made things worse,. Eventually I met with the head of behavior science when he was visiting hospitals in the VA system and he gave me the good news that I was never bipolar and "only" had depression. This is actually a positive diagnosis because now I will be treated for PTSD and my overallmedical care with improve, all my trips to the hospital will be paid for which is a big financial load off my back and much, much more. I would like to hear from you who also have a ptsd diagnosis, especially military veterans. I would like to know how it has effected your life and what time of treatment you receive if any or just in general. Txs.
  15. Welcome and it's true, you aren't alone. Not here, or in life, there are many of us like you, here and in life. People with different types of mental illness just trying to get by and or stay alive but that isn't enough or at least it shouldn't. We like the others should be able to enjoy life, be happy or at the very least content but this is the life that, we'll life has dealt us. Period. It sucks many times if most of the time, but what to do is the question. You don't want to be here, well that's an option but obviously you aren't selfish because you think about those you know will surely be hurt, some totally devastated and some who may follow you. That in itself is commendable but I know it doesn't "fix" your problem and truly nothing probably will but again it's the life you've been delt just like me and many, many others. What to do? Well first of all I hope you are seeing a pdoc who though can't fix you will be able to help you. Unfortunately there's no magic pill for us but there is help available for most of us; some of us do better than others but we have to give it a go. What's the other option? You know the answer but really it isn't the answer. Hope to see you posting again here. It's in your hands.
  16. This December 15 would have been my dead brother's retirement after 35 and half years of being a police officer. 2 more months and he would have made it but it wasn't too be. There will be 1 more vigil for him and other police officers who have died in the line of duty and a rememberance on his retirement date. The community will go on and eventually forget, and that's how it should be but for us his family there will be closure only as each of us dies. I wish I could say it has gotten easier but it hasn't and never will.
  17. vega57


    Good price also. We had a great time, only parents, grandparents and kids. No one to complain. lol
  18. vega57


    We took all ten grandkids to McDonald's and are now at the movies about to watch the new Dory movie. It's time to get back to living, one step at a time. I'm so thankful for this site and YOU.
  19. The trick of life is not to become callous to life itself. I say this because we are often buffeted, beaten and many other negative things. I talked to my pdoc about getting back on psych meds but was advised against it, I wasn't refused just advised to try to stay off them unless absolutely necessary which I've managed to do for a number of years. Well I haven't been completely med free, I did take 5 mils of zanax (?) for 5 nights right after my brother died but I'm done with them. I still use mainly exercise and now talk therapy which helps. The reason I mentioned this is that sometimes we don't want to deal with the pain and rawness of life which ARE part of life just like just like the rollercoaster effect. If we didn't have pain how could we enjoy the JOY of life. Obviously to much pain will wear us down and because of it some desire to or do give up but maybe it's truly the only way to truly appreciate life. Be friendly to others so you'll have friends. Friendship really is free, with joy, laughter and yes pain but it costs nothing out of pocket. I spent lots of time hanging out with some homeless people and it was the most amazing experience I've ever had, sadly some in the group have died, some went elsewhere and some are no longer homeless. I encourage some of you to spend time with the homeless, it will improve your disposition emensley but course be careful if necessary. 67 the rollercoaster can't go much lower than this. :) Please be kind to others; kindness is also free.
  20. I know we aren't face to face but we are here for you and eachother; in a way this site is akin to the old time barbershop where you could unload (poor barber, lol) and it would usually be a private conversation so you could get a cut, and bit of advice for free and hopefully go home feeling a bit better . Not bad for the price. WhenI finally straighten out my life I found conversating in a normal way very strange because I wasn't used to it, it took time and effort, now I'm able to conversate reasonably well. I find that reading an electic range helps quite a bit. Excuse me for using this example , I don't mean to offend but the bible states that if you want friends you need to be friendly; try to find people who share your interests and branch out from there. I personally enjoy my own company, wasn't always true but I really do now and because I'm extremely hard of hearing I appreciate these types of of sites; I usually text rather than talk on the phone for the same reason. I realize that mental illness can make it hard to do this but you'll be surprised how many people are just waiting for someone to talk to them, then the problem is getting THEM TO LET YOU TALK so take a chance, really what do you have to lose? The awesome thing about life getting worse is that eventually you will get to the bottom, then you can start working your way back up. You know very well that life is like a rollercoaster, you go up, you go down but in the end it levels out and it stops and it repeats but for most of us that's just life. Yes it gets tiring at times but that's life in general and more so for us. Don't give up, always keep in it in your mind that it's not an option. Believe me, with what my family and my wife's family has gone through this year alone it pops into my mind but I refuse to give in to those thoughts. You need to make yourself your first priority, some of us always want to put ourselves second but we must put ourselves first , especially if you want to help others. Sincerely I'm here for you to listen and if I can advise you in a non professional manner I'm more than happy to.
  21. 67 yes life can and many times does get hard, harder and to the point that we actually believe that we can't anymore, especially for us who suffer from mental illness but we can survive and even blossom a bit. I don't know if you have read my recent posts, my brother was one of the police officer killed in palm Springs on October 8 along with another officer and today my eldest sister died and my daughter miscarriaged. So we have two choices: we either give in to our struggle or we decide to not only live but live to the best of our ability. The choice is ours and I hope you made the choice to move forward and fight daily. The tunnel may be long 67 but eventually it does end and you come out the other side where your light will shine.
  22. Life can always get worse but it's up to us to fine a little light if possible. I hope you find some and soon .
  23. vega57


    Today my brother who was a police officer in palm Springs, ca. Was shot and killed at 3.15 pm. His name was Gilbert Vega, had been an officer for 35 years, 5 years past retirement, he did so because he loved his job and serving the community. Today was his day off but being the awesome officer that he was he responded with called. He and two other officers responded to a domestic call. The female officer also died, the third officer survived. He was due to retire this December. Please follow the news.
  24. Lol. Those are the places I was talking about, not to say it might not turn out good but they are a bit to relaxing inhibitions can go away. Relationships can be like bugs on your windshield, sometimes you find one, two and sometimes you find more. You are goingabout it the wise way. You already have quite a few features in the game.
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