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monicott17

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  1. I was prescribed Prozac. I filled the script and have had it for awhile now. Still haven’t taken a single pill. Still have reservations about taking it and I think I will never be fully on board with it. But I have to force myself to at least try. I’m as depressed as I have ever been and it is only going to get worse from here with the holidays and winter coming (two of my least favorite things and biggest triggers). I’m completely detached from my job and I do maybe a half day’s worth of work…on a good day. I’m lazy, careless, sloppy and now behind on my work because I just don’t care and because my attention is elsewhere (like social media). I want to quit. I need to quit but I can’t do it for a host of reasons. I don’t have the means nor the desire to get a different job either.
  2. Having a bad week…one of the worst in awhile. On top of everything else, Seasonal Affective Depression has already kicked in. It really hasn’t even gotten cool yesterday and the trees haven’t starting turning yet. Might be more to do with the fact I don’t care for any of the “big” fall things…football, pumpkin spice products, Halloween…don’t care for any of them. I very clearly have an addiction to social media. And it is starting to make me fall behind in my work and care even less about my job than ever. I can’t quit it though because I feel like it is my only real connection to the outside world since I am back to barely leaving my house again (not really my choice) and my employer will never bring us back into the office. It is a sad existence which I have no way out of it seems because no one truly understands how deep my issues are. My therapist does somewhat but there’s stuff I won’t even discuss with him.
  3. I was doing okay for awhile…even went on vacation to my “happy place” location for a few days. But since returning, I feel terrible inside and out. In the midst of a several day on/off migraine episode on top of PMS symptoms (which seem to be getting worse each month). For a whole host of reasons (anxiety included) I have avoided the inside of a dentist office for somewhere between 10-15 years (probably closer to 15 than 10). But I am afraid I can’t do so any longer. The mere thought of that place spikes my anxiety but my teeth are basically rotting at this point and of course, googling stuff about it leads you to scary stuff that can occur if don’t fix things. I’ve started looking up some places and reading reviews and I think I will have to discuss with my therapist. Kind of embarassing to do so but maybe he can help me to figure out how to deal with it all…especially the shaming part. They all say they don’t do it but I know that isn’t the case…especially for me since things are so bad.
  4. My head is a mess right now. Even worse than usual. And now the paranoid and intrusive thoughts are creeping their way back in.
  5. I live with several other family members but I am lonely as hell. I have no friends at all….online or off…never have. I have also never dated or had a relationship of any kind. I work from home…and have been told by my employer that it is likely permanent and I have almost zero contact with my co-workers or even my boss. My hobby is spending ungodly amounts of time of social media and comment sections. Even though I am kind of “interacting” with others, it is not the same. And I think my growing addiction to it is making me feel even more lonely and miserable.
  6. Having a bad day. Barely got any work done. Getting more behind each day. Not to the point where I will be called out on it but I am not where I should be either. No reason why I shouldn’t have completed a certain task but it just overwhelmed me for some reason. It is same work I see day after day…nothing out the ordinary. This overwhelming feeling has been happening a lot lately. Looks like I am back to being shamed and guilt tripped for simply wanting to leave the house…it is making me feel all the worse and for sure contributing to my less than stellar work performance.
  7. I remember….nice to see you posting again!
  8. Lackluster. Really bad work week…at the point now where I am literally wasting half of the day especially the time after lunch. I have to work on this because even though I don’t really like my job…I don’t like being lazy and unproductive either. On the rare occassion where I have energy and am focused…the day goes by much quicker.
  9. Ugh…my boss yet again failed to inform me of a project that was being worked on which had an impact on my workload. Found out the hard way the other day when I got an email from a client…a poorly organized one at that…with a bunch of old stuff in it that I am expected to sort through and complete on my own. And on top of my other work. Perhaps in a different time and place, I could have handled this okay. This is the same work I do all the time…it is just a higher volume and many things at once instead of a single file like usual. But now, I am not in any kind of mindset to deal with this. I don’t want to go above and beyond what it required of me and I just don’t care enough or have enough motivation. I am also really unhappy how both my company and our client this work is for do things.
  10. Concerned about my growing internet/social media addiction. I have the screen time setting turned on for some reason and the screen time amounts per day from the past week are way too high…embarassing. Especially considering a good chunk of that time is during my work day. I used to only read/browse twitter and you didn’t need an account to do that. Recently, they cracked down on this and made it harder and almost impossible to do (even blocking the workaround some people found) so I made an account and basically have been on it almost non-stop. I follow more people than I used to just read and engage with some of them. This is a great deal of my screen time and it is unsettling to me how fast I got hooked on it. Going to be a real test for me soon as my workload just got bigger thanks to some really old stuff being dumped on me out of nowhere. It is time consuming and requires concentration. And this is on top of my regular daily workload, which I have fallen behind on. I will try to get out of doing it but I will likely be stuck doing it all and there is no way I can come close to getting it done in time for the month end deadlines unless I really focus and do more than just the bare minimum. I don’t think I am up for that and I know I will not deal with this well.
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