I'm gonna go really indepth into whats bothering me. this will be a long read. Basically I have a friend of mine who is autistic. he also happens to be religious and i was also religious but am not anymore. im also bi. when i told him that i wasn't religious anymore he, at first, seemed fine with it but then threatened to tell my parents. i immediately got mad because i was expecting that reaction and it actually happened. later on that night i told him i was joking. 2 weeks go by and i bring up the topic again and he literally lied and said that him threatening to tell my very religious parents i wasn't religious was just to see if i was actually religious or not. at that point i took his lie and then came clean that i wasn't actually religious. he got mad, surprise, and kept harassing me about how he wanted to bring me back to being religious so i got pissed. more than anything it seemed that he was more worried about himself going to hell because he thought that he could've somehow had an influence on me. 2 weeks go by, and because he realised i was bitter about what happened, he apologised. honestly i first felt relief but then still felt mad because i then started wondering that he probably only apologised just so he can still be on good terms with me and not because he actually realised why what he did was wrong. that's one reason why I don't like him that much. other reasons are: he also happens to be homophobic or atleast according to him, he isn't anymore because he made a new years resolution to be kinder to everyone regardless if he agrees with them or not. i don't know if i should believe it because the thing with him is that he doesn't seem very genuine in the way he speaks atleast to me anyway. he also gets attached to me as well even though ive had countless falling outs with him. he also seems immature in some ways compared to other people our age. another problem i have is that a lot of the stuff is easily swayed by what the majority says. he also has some anti-pc opinions that border on selfish (like how when women talk about the amount of rapes that happen against them, he'll feel attacked because he thinks thats an attack on his gender and chirp on about rapes against men.). Another thing i don't like is how he will only change his toxic behaviour because he sees that I'm effected by it and won't be able to see his fault otherwise. for example, if i say how bad rape culture is against women, he'll keep lashing back with 'but what about men that get raped'. this will put me off of talking to him and only when he notices this is when he changes his view on why rape culture is bad against women. it seems he changes his awful views because of me and not because he understands why its bad. this seems very disingenuous to me. he feels guilty for hurting me but not what he should be feeling guilty for. that puts me off further. He also sees me as a close friend even though I really don't since I can't trust him fully and the stuff he's done in the past. I think disregarding his autism, he's had a history of being toxic. admittedly, I have also been a complete asshole to him in the past for selfish reasons too (when we were 12, i basically shut him out because he was a target for bullies and i didn't wanna seem uncool or be a target too, ik, absolutely scummy behaviour. I also had an inferiority complex against him and would worry because he was better than me at a game. admittedly, i still do but its quite a lot milder now than back then (we're 17 now btw). i guess i still do take mistakes that he makes more seriously than when my other friends make the same mistakes or do the same things. idk if thats cus i see him as beneath me and my other friends or if its something else), you could even say I'm being unreasonable with making the assumptions I am or just paranoid and if you think I am please let me know. I also later on told him that i converted back to being religious because i just didn't trust him. he has no clue im bisexual. the reason why i dont wanna tell him is cus his parents are good friends with my own, so if i tell him, that can easily get to my parents if he isn't trustworthy. he is a good guy, hes just heavily misguided and selfish sometimes which makes it frustrating and stressful to be around him. he does have some good sides too, he seems like he cares for his friends a lot but at the same time I have a very hard time fully trusting most things he says or does.
now, how this ties into my OCD is that my OCD is making me think because i don't trust him and want to cut him off, i am a bad person especially because of how I've treated him in the past. furthermore, my OCDs also making me think that the reason why I don't trust and like him is because I'm narcissistic and think he's beneath me and how because i think hes beneath me, i am getting overly offended and paranoid about how untrustworthy he is. this one kinda does freak me out because of the inferiority complex i mentioned before and because i do have narcissistic traits(that i am aware of and am trying to fix dw). i also wonder if the fact that I don't trust him is actually caused by my OCD and I'm just being overly paranoid. and as bad as this sounds, part of me doesn't want to resolve this issue if it is OCD because I think it would be a massive risk to trust him and tell him everything especially since if he hasn't changed, he could really mess things up for me and my parents. Please please please give me advice on what to do. What am i doing right and what am i doing wrong? i just need advice. this ocd episode is making me lose interest in school and my grades are doing horribly as well. i can't see therapy due to personal reasons so please give me advice that isn't to do with therapy.