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mrrd117711

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Everything posted by mrrd117711

  1. I imagined me coping with my PTSD and finally being able to enjoy life. I just have to laugh at how it’s the opposite. So many things are going wrong. I don’t even see me doing any better. This reminds me of as a kid I always thought my life would change for the better as I got older. How can you be hopeful when every time you believe in something it blows up in your face. My life got way worse as I got older as my symptoms got worse with PTSD. I was supposed to get my 2nd shot of the vaccine but I’m one of the people that got adverse effects. It’s not well known that Covid can cause you to have low potassium. You think we’ll how bad can low potassium be. For anyone with a mental diagnosis it’s really bad. It effects your mood, your body feels weak cause your muscles ache and cramps. I’m literally in a daze for almost two weeks now. While all of this is happening all my past traumas are literally hitting me like a truck. I again get triggered and can’t finish what I want to say. I guess for anyone else who’s an empath just good luck. Maybe it’s just how bad my life always is but feeling everyone else’s pain while living like this is messed up.
  2. I’m still out of it but I’ll respond later. OCD isn’t fun. As an update I went to ER they said I had low potassium. Definitely didn’t know it could be that bad. It can effect muscle function and cause heart issues. Still have to be careful because my mom told me she had a stroke in her 30s. Fun thought to have but that’s reality. I looked up online having a stroke with low potassium increases your chance of dying. F*** my life but anyways. A lot of my symptoms are going away. I guess at least my chances are better now. My head and chest still feel stiff. Yea I’m already triggered. Just wanted to let people know in case it happens to them.
  3. My last post was me talking about stuff like I could finally move on. PTSD was like nope your with me. I use humor to cope so have to say something because people will think otherwise. I have high blood pressure when I’m anxious. I just took a PRN. I feel shocks through my body. I’m gonna have to make an appointment with a cardiologist. I’m 36 with heart problems lucky me. I almost fell while just taking a shower. I should say be careful if your using Seroquel because it gave me high cholesterol. I had to stop taking it. It helped me sleep so damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I have stiffness all through my body. My diet isn’t great but I’ve slowly tried to make better choices. I really wasn’t overweight until I took depression meds. I really just think it’s the stress now. I don’t take an SSRI anymore. Maybe my body will be less stressed out if I get past this part. I could just be telling myself that. The numbness emotionally and the stress I feel through my body is messed up. All I see is me trying so hard to get better but my body is breaking down. Hopefully I can respond to anyone who helps and ignore the random internet strangers with harmful posts. This whole week I was just like I’m really just unlucky. It’s so weird to me because all I’ve wanted to do is help people. I guess at least now I’m forced to help myself. I guess im depressed but I just feel cold hearted. Just like how much can you take as a person. Maybe im fooling myself and things can get better from healing. It just feels like I don’t care. I usually don’t care but this is like 100% im old and im about to die not caring.
  4. I guess just a quick update. I literally feel like I’m in a daze. This whole time I couldn’t get over everything I went through. So now I kinda am but still feel really cautious. Some moments I’m super angry because I had to live through a lot more than just this experience. Sometimes I’m grateful I’m coming out on the other side. Sometimes I’m kinda looking forward to living my life with a different outlook. The weirdest part is me getting back with her was my go to thought to try to cope. I still think about it but I’m trying not to think like if it doesn’t happen my life is ruined. I also think it would be really difficult. I guess she was the first person I thought of being with hopefully for life. I just try to see it like it also doesn’t have to be the last one.
  5. I didn’t get into it but it kinda triggered me with my therapist. Things were actually really good but I guess I’ll never know why. I went into the hospital and they wanted to change my treatment team. I think the psychiatrist there was very pushy and almost like a insensitive scientist. It was definitely not a good experience but that’s just how it worked out. I honestly think he made it worse between me and my old therapist. This hasn’t been a short process it’s been really tough. The problem for me is people like the 2nd comment random people on internet can say whatever they want. So I keep some stuff vague or am protective. Sometimes all you have to do is survive. I knew that there was people who after many years come out doing better. PTSD can last for so long it’s kinda messed up. I just had to fight through it no matter what happened. The problem is traumas can keep happening. In a weird way that motivated me because lately a lot of stuff was happening and I knew I had to deal with my old stuff.
  6. I literally cried my eyes out a little while ago. It’s been a really long process and even if right now I feel bad I can see some good changes. I have a hard time connecting to people. It seems to start with my attachment style of dismissive. I now feel I’m also somewhat fearful or anxious. I never really had best friends or girlfriends growing up. When I was 20 I started talking to a girl and we had a deep connection. The problem was there was a list of problems. It was long distance, we were young, had rough childhoods, got codependent for me, she was fearful from her past traumas and her abusive parents. It just goes on and on but I thought at the time that would make us closer. I guess at least for me it did but for her she would always think I would be better off with someone else. I never took it seriously because eventually she would calm down and it would be ok. Until she started to make me feel like crap. I didn’t know until a few months ago her parents were getting divorced at the time. She was in the middle forced to help idk how exactly. This is gonna sound crazy but I think both of us got PTSD. I think her hurting me and being a completely different person plus her parents abuse. I think mine was being hurt by her, never meeting her, her being a completely different person and my loss from the breakup. I don’t know sometimes I get this feeling of wanting to talk about this but it’s still painful. I would let people know you can feel retraumatized. I tried EMDR therapy because I need therapy to help with this. I just can’t afford it right now and also had a messed up situation with my past therapist. Idk if anyone has had their therapy tell them they couldn’t see them anymore. Idk full story about why but it’s not easy to go through. I always seem to get the painful but interesting life experiences.
  7. I actually agree with what you said about being sensitive being beneficial in a lot of ways. It’s just in this situation I know I overreact so lately I’m definitely been doing that a lot. It’s just like you said I am what I am. I feel him being taking advantage because of his symptoms is like an automatic douchebag thing to me. He’s done stuff like this before like really bad. The other guy is like there’s nothing I can do. He also doesn’t want me to say that he’s complaining about the guy who’s taking advantage of him. This is definitely harsh on my part but I can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. I’ve tried too many times in the past for nothing. Also if people aren’t asking for help or advice a lot of people don’t want to hear it. I’m the complete opposite so idk. Hopefully I meet more people like me but I’m in my mid 30s and I see I’m an outcast. I’m definitely more ok with it now but it’s easy to get mad at the world which doesn’t change anything.
  8. Definitely good advice. I was struggling with OCD and PTSD. Usually I struggle with one at a time but this was both really bad. I didn’t respond to anyone. I hope so too but sometimes it’s like I either like someone who doesn’t like me back or they really like me but they aren’t good for me. I treat everyone the same so maybe I attract people who want me to be good to them. It’s just if they aren’t good to me I don’t want to keep myself around those people. People might say give them a chance. When I see you treat other people poorly but me nice I see that as a red flag. im glad things worked out and I always feel that’s possible for me too. It’s just been so long with me still trying to be hopeful. It’s super easy for me to think otherwise. The one thing that always confused me was I think me being good to her triggered her. So far her other relationships they didn’t treat her good but she stayed in them. I treat her good and she’s afraid of getting close or thinks she’s not good enough. Also this might be weird but I feel I was avoidant and now sometimes fearful. I’m also like a hopeless romantic which almost contradicts everything. I guess maybe I really want the relationship but feel it won’t work out. I think it’s cause my parents are so different and somehow my personality clashes.
  9. I guess it at least has to be better than being out on the streets. I have known some people who were homeless for awhile. It’s definitely not that bad but I’m super overwhelmed.
  10. I hit a point like 2 years maybe 3 now where I was sick of being patient. In some ways it helped me but when it’s bad it’s so messed up. I’m just so full of issues and they really don’t seem to change. I try to see if I change my perspective or attitude maybe it will help. It’s just how do I not lose my mind idk. I feel I do this to myself in some ways. I’m an idealist which idk why honestly. I’ve only been through tough times and some really messed up times. I probably sound like I blame it on everyone else but I know I’m too sensitive. The problem is there is no cure for that. It’s just a part of me. Even when I try to numb myself or have mental toughness it doesn’t last. My roommate did one of the weirdest shadiest things I’ve ever seen someone do. The other people who lives here is a people pleaser in an unhealthy and sometimes uncomfortable way. This guy completely takes advantage and last night I can’t even say it. I feel like I want to block it out screw my life so dumb. I’m literally shaking trying not to just grab him and throw him out. It’s not my apartment so I have no way to kick him out. Also the other guy protects him idk. It’s such a twisted place to be in the middle of this craziness. There’s a chance I can move soon or at least eventually but I want it to be right now.
  11. Yea it’s a really weird experience. It’s good you feel your on the other side. It’s worth it but kinda crazy.
  12. You wrote this awhile ago but my OCD was really bad at that time or maybe it was my PTSD. I have been taking this advice lately because I’m usually the guy getting lost in my own world doing something. For whatever reason I am not able to do that right now. Maybe instead of escaping I’m facing my traumas. The problem is sometimes it’s really bad but my brain is like nope even if it hurts your dealing with it.
  13. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m definitely still working on it. I think it complicates things with new people. I’ve had times in the past where I’m around good people. I then start asking myself will this last. If it doesn’t work out will it hurt too much. Maybe they won’t like me after awhile. The list just goes on and on. Maybe just last week I was in that same place. I think I’m trying to see the other way. I was triggered by an anniversary and also trying to process PTSD. Healing is not fun or feels good. I think of like video games or movies where they heal your wounds and they are like wow this is amazing lol. The good side is I feel more like myself and less my symptoms. PTSD to me is weird as hell because the more you face it the more extreme it feels. I have pretty crazy mood swings because I’ll go from being ok and than completely overwhelmed. I guess before it was just all bad all the time. Also people probably think I’m crazy cause I feel confident taking about this mess. I think the more I deal with the stronger I feel. It’s like I accomplished something so I feel better idk.
  14. Idk if my mind is messing with me but I don’t feel social anxiety. I’m wondering because now I’m having trouble with boundaries. It feels like I just want to say everything without caring about what people will think. Idk if my social anxiety is still there I’m just numb. Idk if somehow I healed from my painful past. Idk if this is just temporary but it definitely feels better than always being anxious around people. I sometimes feel like my mind messes with me because of wishful thinking. I want things to be better than they are. I then set impossible expectations on myself or others. I then come back to reality and get disappointed. Can social anxiety really just go away so quickly. Is my lack of sleep making me delirious lol. I still feel really stressed out but I also have more clarity. Is my PTSD getting less severe. What a weird chain of events the last couple of days.
  15. I was kinda vague so by forgiving people I meant like being hurt by people can make you think new people will hurt you. Also you said how people don’t help you so it sounds like you like helping people. So you feel that like your the only one giving. I meant the high standards because to a lot of people the way people are is normal. When you want things to be better because of high standards you get disappointed. I really wish I could edit after I post something lol.
  16. I think when I read what people say I really look deep into the meaning. I can relate to what your saying because I too am that nice person who puts people first. Idk if it’s being highly sensitive or an empath on top. Maybe you want people to treat you good in return. I say that because what you wrote made me think of learning to forgive people and also high standards. I always knew I had to forgive people as well as myself. I just don’t know when that day will happen. I also have high standards which some people will get defensive and think that means I’m trying to sound better than them. It just means I want things to be as good as possible. I also see depression as constantly getting in the way of being able to see the good in situations. I say that while I’m sick with depression to the point I’ve been in bed all day for past couple of days. Maybe I should just relate to people and not try to always help. It’s really hard for me not to give advice even when it’s not asked of me. Sorry if I said anything that might offend you. I’ve had those same thoughts in my head. Hopefully one day both of us can find peace of mind. I hope something I said helped you see things from an outside perspective. It seems impossible sometimes to help yourself. Then someone else says something and it all clicks.
  17. Ok another time where processing my PTSD is really weird. I appreciate the support and hopefully didn’t make it uncomfortable by being direct. I have heard some good stories when people get results from their medications. I can’t really say I’m one of those people. I just focus a lot on therapy and supplements. I’ve been taking Omega-3 lately cause my brain has felt burnt out. I guess they help regulate the brain. I read somewhere your brain uses a lot of fat when stressed. Also important to drink water.
  18. I’ll try to respond to this when I’m not in such a bad place. I’m a nice person but I’m hurting right now and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I rather not burn bridges. Maybe me saying this makes me look crazy. I just don’t get why it’s better to not say what’s really going on. Something about being direct bothers most people.
  19. I ended up looking stuff up on high cortisol. It talked about supplements that could help. I had omega-3 which helped me. I tried glycine in the past which helped me calm down. I saw it can affect your platelets and I was having chest tightness so maybe my heart. I stopped taking it but now didn’t know of anything else. I guess omega-3 isn’t really gonna calm me down but it helps regulate your brain I guess. It would be better if I ate fish but never really liked it. I guess to most people it’s strange that I’m responding to my own post. Especially one without comments but I guess that just normal for me. Always been a loner so in a weird way it seems this is better for me. I just deal with stuff my own way because I can’t make it work with someone else’s way. What can you do.
  20. I literally have shocks idk if it’s inflammation or lactic acid throughout my body. My sleep is sporadic and my appetite isn’t good. I go to therapy every two weeks. My medication don’t do anything and the messed up part is the ones that did help me gave me crazy side effects. So I’m basically just on a low dose of wellbutrin that doesn’t really do anything. Also I was on seroquel to sleep for many years. Now I’m in my mid 30s with high cholesterol. I was on Remeron but I was cramping up at night. I did TMS therapy which helped me. It basically stimulates your brain to create new cells. Idk if it’s depression or PTSD that shocks your brain and can stop it from producing new cells. This is the whole stuck thing people go through. It’s really weird and messed up to me. Until recently there was only ECT which works but can be painful. TMS is basically only slightly uncomfortable. I want to believe I can live a somewhat ok life with my symptoms. The reality is it’s never even been close. I try to focus on the feeling to heal but I actually see it as feeling to hurt and be exhausted. My mind is racing and I literally only sometimes post on this. I used to journal but it actually triggers me now. I don’t have supportive friends or family. I guess I’m just lucky my attitude has always been a strength. It’s just only so much that’s gonna do. I guess if nothing else I have a lot to complain about lol.
  21. Thanks it usually goes ok cause I know how to deal with my family to some extent. Basically I never joke around with them because they use insults as humor. I also only really listen because they will complain about stuff and I don’t want to enable that by responding or encouraging them. My family is difficult but I know they care about me. It’s just hard because I seem to resent growing up in that environment. Also I was ok with it when I wasn’t fully depressed like I am now. It seems harder to cope with.
  22. All you can do is live in this moment and do the best you can. What helps me is trying to understand I can be ok once the emotional pain isn’t so bad. The sad thing is it doesn’t happen that often. Just try to hold on to the times when it is. Maybe it’s harder for me cause I’m sensitive but people maybe it’s just more guys don’t care about being good to each other. It’s more acceptable to be disrespectful which I just find weird.
  23. It sounds like you go through the struggles of being highly sensitive which I know as well. Things people just do without thinking can really hurt. You than add all the painful experiences life can throw your way like trauma. It’s definitely a different experience. I think putting people first can be a good trait. The problem comes when people take advantage. I like to help people but when people start getting entitled and don’t return the favor it gets weird. Maybe I expect too much but I feel it’s only fair. It’s good that you have healed from your past. Hopefully so will I if not I’ll just survive and make the most of it.
  24. My family has a history of mental health problems. I’m the only one taking treatment seriously. I sometimes think about moving super far away and starting over. I can’t really support myself besides disability. I tried working but either they didn’t hire me because of lack of work history or every other reason they don’t hire people lol. I ended up doing retail which wasn’t good for me but I wanted to work and they hire anyone. My grandma is super codependent so I have 4 aunts, 1 uncle and 4 cousins living there. Some of them help out my grandma but they also take advantage. I honestly don’t know if take advantage is the right word cause she will ultimately give anything to help you. The craziest part for me is my grandma will actually get sick from thinking about me not living there anymore. It causes me a lot of guilt and some anxiety because I feel responsible even if it’s unhealthy. I was living there until the end of last year. How my family doesn’t manage their symptoms basically everyone is a ticking time bomb. It’s really sad but I feel there’s a lot of dysfunctional families out there. I’m also a loner so having a big family is stressful. Hopefully people won’t give me crap for being a loner. I ended up looking up research and they found loners actually feel pain when they are around too many people. Imagine trying to live in this world full of people and actually feeling pain. I guess it’s not that different from the pain loneliness cause most people. PTSD is really messed up. I try to write what I’m going thru but it’s so painful I just end up avoiding even being able to journal or write about it.
  25. The dreaded words every therapist tells someone. I am doing so bad right now I feel really out of it. I feel my disassociation and my OCD are so overwhelming it’s really tough. I’ll have OCD with one thing then right after the next thing. The hardest part of my PTSD is there are no breaks. I deal with one thing then take a sigh of relief. I then get thrown into the next thing. Im also numb all the time. I literally try to face my problems and don’t feel anything. The few times I’m not numb I get so overwhelmed it’s like a catch 22. For what seemed like a month I was so paranoid that me getting close to someone would get me hurt. I finally got past that but now my OCD is nonstop. I also feel like I’m floating idk how else to explain my disassociation. I’ve always felt distant from people. I try not to think like this but I feel like I was just born to suffer. I’ve always been really sensitive and just have painful experiences after painful experiences. I literally live on cloud 9 or am depressed. The problem of course is the good feelings don’t last as long as the bad. Negativity just has too much of an effect on our thoughts. I know it will get better from my experiences. The problem is just how really messed up this part is. I literally struggle with every little thing right now. It also feels like I rather not deal with anything right now. Am I doing better or not lol. I wouldn’t have a clue if this is how doing better feels like.
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