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mrrd117711

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  1. I’m still out of it but I’ll respond later. OCD isn’t fun. As an update I went to ER they said I had low potassium. Definitely didn’t know it could be that bad. It can effect muscle function and cause heart issues. Still have to be careful because my mom told me she had a stroke in her 30s. Fun thought to have but that’s reality. I looked up online having a stroke with low potassium increases your chance of dying. F*** my life but anyways. A lot of my symptoms are going away. I guess at least my chances are better now. My head and chest still feel stiff. Yea I’m already triggered. Just wanted to let people know in case it happens to them.
  2. My last post was me talking about stuff like I could finally move on. PTSD was like nope your with me. I use humor to cope so have to say something because people will think otherwise. I have high blood pressure when I’m anxious. I just took a PRN. I feel shocks through my body. I’m gonna have to make an appointment with a cardiologist. I’m 36 with heart problems lucky me. I almost fell while just taking a shower. I should say be careful if your using Seroquel because it gave me high cholesterol. I had to stop taking it. It helped me sleep so damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I have stiffness all through my body. My diet isn’t great but I’ve slowly tried to make better choices. I really wasn’t overweight until I took depression meds. I really just think it’s the stress now. I don’t take an SSRI anymore. Maybe my body will be less stressed out if I get past this part. I could just be telling myself that. The numbness emotionally and the stress I feel through my body is messed up. All I see is me trying so hard to get better but my body is breaking down. Hopefully I can respond to anyone who helps and ignore the random internet strangers with harmful posts. This whole week I was just like I’m really just unlucky. It’s so weird to me because all I’ve wanted to do is help people. I guess at least now I’m forced to help myself. I guess im depressed but I just feel cold hearted. Just like how much can you take as a person. Maybe im fooling myself and things can get better from healing. It just feels like I don’t care. I usually don’t care but this is like 100% im old and im about to die not caring.
  3. I guess just a quick update. I literally feel like I’m in a daze. This whole time I couldn’t get over everything I went through. So now I kinda am but still feel really cautious. Some moments I’m super angry because I had to live through a lot more than just this experience. Sometimes I’m grateful I’m coming out on the other side. Sometimes I’m kinda looking forward to living my life with a different outlook. The weirdest part is me getting back with her was my go to thought to try to cope. I still think about it but I’m trying not to think like if it doesn’t happen my life is ruined. I also think it would be really difficult. I guess she was the first person I thought of being with hopefully for life. I just try to see it like it also doesn’t have to be the last one.
  4. I didn’t get into it but it kinda triggered me with my therapist. Things were actually really good but I guess I’ll never know why. I went into the hospital and they wanted to change my treatment team. I think the psychiatrist there was very pushy and almost like a insensitive scientist. It was definitely not a good experience but that’s just how it worked out. I honestly think he made it worse between me and my old therapist. This hasn’t been a short process it’s been really tough. The problem for me is people like the 2nd comment random people on internet can say whatever they want. So I keep some stuff vague or am protective. Sometimes all you have to do is survive. I knew that there was people who after many years come out doing better. PTSD can last for so long it’s kinda messed up. I just had to fight through it no matter what happened. The problem is traumas can keep happening. In a weird way that motivated me because lately a lot of stuff was happening and I knew I had to deal with my old stuff.
  5. I literally cried my eyes out a little while ago. It’s been a really long process and even if right now I feel bad I can see some good changes. I have a hard time connecting to people. It seems to start with my attachment style of dismissive. I now feel I’m also somewhat fearful or anxious. I never really had best friends or girlfriends growing up. When I was 20 I started talking to a girl and we had a deep connection. The problem was there was a list of problems. It was long distance, we were young, had rough childhoods, got codependent for me, she was fearful from her past traumas and her abusive parents. It just goes on and on but I thought at the time that would make us closer. I guess at least for me it did but for her she would always think I would be better off with someone else. I never took it seriously because eventually she would calm down and it would be ok. Until she started to make me feel like crap. I didn’t know until a few months ago her parents were getting divorced at the time. She was in the middle forced to help idk how exactly. This is gonna sound crazy but I think both of us got PTSD. I think her hurting me and being a completely different person plus her parents abuse. I think mine was being hurt by her, never meeting her, her being a completely different person and my loss from the breakup. I don’t know sometimes I get this feeling of wanting to talk about this but it’s still painful. I would let people know you can feel retraumatized. I tried EMDR therapy because I need therapy to help with this. I just can’t afford it right now and also had a messed up situation with my past therapist. Idk if anyone has had their therapy tell them they couldn’t see them anymore. Idk full story about why but it’s not easy to go through. I always seem to get the painful but interesting life experiences.
  6. I actually agree with what you said about being sensitive being beneficial in a lot of ways. It’s just in this situation I know I overreact so lately I’m definitely been doing that a lot. It’s just like you said I am what I am. I feel him being taking advantage because of his symptoms is like an automatic douchebag thing to me. He’s done stuff like this before like really bad. The other guy is like there’s nothing I can do. He also doesn’t want me to say that he’s complaining about the guy who’s taking advantage of him. This is definitely harsh on my part but I can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. I’ve tried too many times in the past for nothing. Also if people aren’t asking for help or advice a lot of people don’t want to hear it. I’m the complete opposite so idk. Hopefully I meet more people like me but I’m in my mid 30s and I see I’m an outcast. I’m definitely more ok with it now but it’s easy to get mad at the world which doesn’t change anything.
  7. Definitely good advice. I was struggling with OCD and PTSD. Usually I struggle with one at a time but this was both really bad. I didn’t respond to anyone. I hope so too but sometimes it’s like I either like someone who doesn’t like me back or they really like me but they aren’t good for me. I treat everyone the same so maybe I attract people who want me to be good to them. It’s just if they aren’t good to me I don’t want to keep myself around those people. People might say give them a chance. When I see you treat other people poorly but me nice I see that as a red flag. im glad things worked out and I always feel that’s possible for me too. It’s just been so long with me still trying to be hopeful. It’s super easy for me to think otherwise. The one thing that always confused me was I think me being good to her triggered her. So far her other relationships they didn’t treat her good but she stayed in them. I treat her good and she’s afraid of getting close or thinks she’s not good enough. Also this might be weird but I feel I was avoidant and now sometimes fearful. I’m also like a hopeless romantic which almost contradicts everything. I guess maybe I really want the relationship but feel it won’t work out. I think it’s cause my parents are so different and somehow my personality clashes.
  8. I guess it at least has to be better than being out on the streets. I have known some people who were homeless for awhile. It’s definitely not that bad but I’m super overwhelmed.
  9. I hit a point like 2 years maybe 3 now where I was sick of being patient. In some ways it helped me but when it’s bad it’s so messed up. I’m just so full of issues and they really don’t seem to change. I try to see if I change my perspective or attitude maybe it will help. It’s just how do I not lose my mind idk. I feel I do this to myself in some ways. I’m an idealist which idk why honestly. I’ve only been through tough times and some really messed up times. I probably sound like I blame it on everyone else but I know I’m too sensitive. The problem is there is no cure for that. It’s just a part of me. Even when I try to numb myself or have mental toughness it doesn’t last. My roommate did one of the weirdest shadiest things I’ve ever seen someone do. The other people who lives here is a people pleaser in an unhealthy and sometimes uncomfortable way. This guy completely takes advantage and last night I can’t even say it. I feel like I want to block it out screw my life so dumb. I’m literally shaking trying not to just grab him and throw him out. It’s not my apartment so I have no way to kick him out. Also the other guy protects him idk. It’s such a twisted place to be in the middle of this craziness. There’s a chance I can move soon or at least eventually but I want it to be right now.
  10. Yea it’s a really weird experience. It’s good you feel your on the other side. It’s worth it but kinda crazy.
  11. You wrote this awhile ago but my OCD was really bad at that time or maybe it was my PTSD. I have been taking this advice lately because I’m usually the guy getting lost in my own world doing something. For whatever reason I am not able to do that right now. Maybe instead of escaping I’m facing my traumas. The problem is sometimes it’s really bad but my brain is like nope even if it hurts your dealing with it.
  12. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m definitely still working on it. I think it complicates things with new people. I’ve had times in the past where I’m around good people. I then start asking myself will this last. If it doesn’t work out will it hurt too much. Maybe they won’t like me after awhile. The list just goes on and on. Maybe just last week I was in that same place. I think I’m trying to see the other way. I was triggered by an anniversary and also trying to process PTSD. Healing is not fun or feels good. I think of like video games or movies where they heal your wounds and they are like wow this is amazing lol. The good side is I feel more like myself and less my symptoms. PTSD to me is weird as hell because the more you face it the more extreme it feels. I have pretty crazy mood swings because I’ll go from being ok and than completely overwhelmed. I guess before it was just all bad all the time. Also people probably think I’m crazy cause I feel confident taking about this mess. I think the more I deal with the stronger I feel. It’s like I accomplished something so I feel better idk.
  13. Idk if my mind is messing with me but I don’t feel social anxiety. I’m wondering because now I’m having trouble with boundaries. It feels like I just want to say everything without caring about what people will think. Idk if my social anxiety is still there I’m just numb. Idk if somehow I healed from my painful past. Idk if this is just temporary but it definitely feels better than always being anxious around people. I sometimes feel like my mind messes with me because of wishful thinking. I want things to be better than they are. I then set impossible expectations on myself or others. I then come back to reality and get disappointed. Can social anxiety really just go away so quickly. Is my lack of sleep making me delirious lol. I still feel really stressed out but I also have more clarity. Is my PTSD getting less severe. What a weird chain of events the last couple of days.
  14. I was kinda vague so by forgiving people I meant like being hurt by people can make you think new people will hurt you. Also you said how people don’t help you so it sounds like you like helping people. So you feel that like your the only one giving. I meant the high standards because to a lot of people the way people are is normal. When you want things to be better because of high standards you get disappointed. I really wish I could edit after I post something lol.
  15. I think when I read what people say I really look deep into the meaning. I can relate to what your saying because I too am that nice person who puts people first. Idk if it’s being highly sensitive or an empath on top. Maybe you want people to treat you good in return. I say that because what you wrote made me think of learning to forgive people and also high standards. I always knew I had to forgive people as well as myself. I just don’t know when that day will happen. I also have high standards which some people will get defensive and think that means I’m trying to sound better than them. It just means I want things to be as good as possible. I also see depression as constantly getting in the way of being able to see the good in situations. I say that while I’m sick with depression to the point I’ve been in bed all day for past couple of days. Maybe I should just relate to people and not try to always help. It’s really hard for me not to give advice even when it’s not asked of me. Sorry if I said anything that might offend you. I’ve had those same thoughts in my head. Hopefully one day both of us can find peace of mind. I hope something I said helped you see things from an outside perspective. It seems impossible sometimes to help yourself. Then someone else says something and it all clicks.
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