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About mrrd117711

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  1. I’m having trouble with OCD and avoidance so hopefully this makes sense. I feel my whole life has been shaped by depression, anxiety and OCD. My parents split up before I was one. My mom definitely has pretty much the same issues. I ended up living with my grandparents from an early age. So abandonment issues have always made it hard for me. I have only really been close to one person. That relationship didn’t work out. I have not met anyone that I just click with since. We still sometimes talk. She says she just wants to be friends. I say I only want to talk if she wants to date. I can’t stop having this thought that she pushes me away because she thinks she’s not good enough for me. Her dad was abusive to her growing up and her mom has been abusive after they divorced. Her mom had cancer so she was taking care of her. Now her mom should be cancer free. So it has been on my mind way too much that maybe there’s a chance now. I have been trying to get help for all of this. I see a therapist, am on meds even though I’m treatment resistant, have done TMS, and try to keep pushing myself to get better. I have heard that depression meds aren’t so successful so just something to keep in mind. I just recently moved but honestly don’t want to live here long. I haven’t been able to really work but think I can do peer specialist training. I just hope all of this helps me heal. So I can live without my ex and if she decides to change her mind maybe with her. I try to see a future where I heal from my experiences. So they don’t get in the way as much. I just struggle with wishful thinking and getting my hopes too high. Also there’s always going to be depression, anxiety and OCD there. I literally spent way too much time rewriting everything. My OCD is joining forces with my perfectionist habits. It was either that or write and erase everything before I post.
  2. My mind is so confusing lol. It’s like I would normally respond to each response to make sure no one felt bad. Now I’m the opposite where I can’t really respond because I’m afraid I will say something wrong. All I can say is thanks. Idk it’s like my thoughts are ping pong balls just bouncing back and forth.
  3. I appreciate the responses. Again my mind was doing it again. I felt how no one responded when I thought they would no one would. I understand that’s an impossible standard I’m setting. I will say shortly I have heard about NAC. I also read the other response and wish I could say more. My mind either thinks what I’m saying is wrong before I end up writing it. That or I spend way too much time probably trying to do it perfect. It’s impossible for me to know what someone else will think. It’s like I’m trying to avoid anyone thinking I did something wrong. It’s just a defense mechanism at full power. Ive been facing my issues a lot more lately. I guess this is what they mean when they say it gets worse before it gets better. It’s like I’m trying to be perfect about not trying to be perfect. Talk about a headache lol.
  4. My depression, anxiety, and OCD all play into each other. Now My OCD and perfectionism idk if that’s a word lol is getting bad. I spent like 30 mins writing a response to what someone said. I ended up reading about how some kids think of if they were perfect things would be better. My mom and that side of the family is really critical. Also doesn’t help they have mental health issues and don’t try to get better. Maybe now I can work on this so it doesn’t keep happening. It’s just right now it’s making everything difficult. It’s like overthinking to the highest power. I basically have to stop here. I keep wanting to work or go to school but moments like these show I need more time.
  5. I wrote this but I kinda feel like I’m not able to say exactly what I wanted. I definitely feel that pain but have to say what helped me today. I was watching videos of rescue animals. I also saw a news story of a foster kid who needed a kidney transplant getting adopted by his teacher. Things like that help me believe that at least some people out there care. I’m still a mess right now. I also wish I knew why hasn’t it happened yet idk. Idk if you have been around people who work in psychology but I feel their support has meant a lot to me. I guess there’s a chance other people can be compassionate but not exactly something I see a lot. Also the stigma makes it worse.
  6. I have abandonment issues and am a loner. I guess usually need to explain the loner stuff first. I realized I can socialize fine in one on one conversations. I always struggled when conversations have a lot of people involved. I guess I just looked up stuff online. I ended up seeing that there was some science to it. It seems like loners feel discomfort when a lot of people are around. Of course that’s not how the majority of people think so it’s pretty much always an issue. You’re not really going to make people feel good by saying the thing they enjoy brings me pain. I can at least have some peace of mind but still makes it a struggle. The abandonment issues stem from my parents splitting up probably when I was one. Also my mom has a lot of issues with depression just like most of my moms family. They don’t take getting help seriously. Instead it’s more of there’s nothing you can do. I ended up growing up with my Grandparents because my mom had issues giving birth to my brother. At least that’s the story. Add a really bad breakup to the person I was closest to and just not really having much success with relationships. The sad thing is we have a weird deep connection. I think her childhood messed her up with being abused. I still think her mom is emotionally abusive. Her mom had cancer and she was taking care of her. Her dad was physically and emotionally abusive when she was young. Now you add me being really depressed and struggling after the breakup. It’s just a recipe for disaster. We sometimes keep in touch. It’s just not a good idea. Her being triggered by her childhood and me being triggered by the breakup and my depression. It makes no sense because I’m not really in a good place to meet anyone anyways. So I’m just trying to focus on myself. I just have to find a way to deal with missing her. I don’t know I feel like I just write this for myself. It’s always really long so not really gonna have a lot of people read this. I guess I can’t please everyone.
  7. I do feel this community is good from most of the things I’ve seen so thank you. I would like to return the favor but can’t really be that helpful right now. One of my biggest problems with Seroquel is it made me hungry right before sleeping. That’s one of the worst things you can do for your health. I really had no reason to take it. It was mainly for sleep but now I’m on something else. It sucks because I really liked that psychiatrist but it seemed like he prescribed a lot of Seroquel for sleep. It was also my as needed medication for anxiety. I am just trying to add more healthy food into my diet and take more walks. I looked up natural supplements to lower inflammation as well. I think glycine if anyone reads this is something to look into. Hopefully I’ll be able to explain more what I do to help myself in other posts.
  8. I’m not sure if someone deleted their response or something isn’t updating. Honestly don’t think I have anything good to say right now anyways. Also not really into getting arguments online.
  9. I really wish I was making this up. This whole month has been brutal. I’m trying to cope with feelings that always come up in March. A breakup I had years ago happened in March. It basically started my issues getting really bad with depression, anxiety, and OCD. So a bad start gets worse when my disability basically gets cut in half this month. I had an old bill and long story short 3 months of an unpaid bill gets taken out at the same time. I had to get some type of financial support to pay my rent this month. Landlord was cool so nothing bad happened. I even was told they would reimburse me some of the money this month. Typical Social security didn’t do it but I decided to just leave it be. My grandma then got COVID but luckily she’s ok. I have something that just happened but gonna try to keep it in order. I had moments where I wanted to contact my ex this month but was able to stop myself. I then get a random text from my ex that her mom is going to recover from cancer. I acted before I could think and responded. I ended up getting triggered and had a lot of dissociation. It’s kinda hard for me to just be like I should ignore that but I paid the price for it. Each time right before these things happened I was like ok finally I can relax. Guess again because just now I found out my old room in my grandmas just got flooded. The water heater broke and luckily I don’t live there anymore. The problem was I still had some stuff I couldn’t move there. Also my grandma is trying to clean it up with the help of my two aunts. I hope nothing bad happens. Also she knows how to take care of herself being a retired nursing assistant. Also gonna need to repair the water heater but hopefully not too expensive. I know all of these things could of been worse. I just already struggle a lot this month. I haven’t been able to breathe and think normally pretty much this whole month. I’m surviving I guess which counts for something. Also my grandma has to deal with the repairs. I just feel stressed for her health. I’m now somehow supposed to find a way to sleep. I really just need a break that I don’t ever seem to get. Also kinda sucks being in my late 30s with high blood pressure and cholesterol. I’m not gonna say I’m a health guru. Just taking medicine that makes you gain weight and a night medicine that can give you high cholesterol isn’t an accident. I know I need to make changes but gaining 50 pounds compared to my normal weight isn’t by accident. Luckily I’m not taking that night medicine anymore cough Seroquel cough. Basically just had to get this all out. At this point I’m just pilling up more junk that is my life.
  10. I guess if anyone still reads this just wanted to say I’m at least dealing with it better now. I appreciate the comments and support. Maybe one day I return the favor.
  11. I appreciate what was said but honestly hard to make much sense. I feel I’m facing the pain from my past but it’s making me completely dissociate. I am basically used to going through painful moments and just surviving it. I basically just make things really basic. I feel like my mind is stronger than my body because I am having issues from stress. All I can do is force myself to be strong. Idk why I feel like saying this but it’s like being on a train ride you don’t want to be on. I guess after awhile all you can do is enjoy the view. Yea I end up being vague at times like this must be my brain protecting myself. I guess feeling better isn’t going to be easy.
  12. Can’t really say I’m doing better but I can say it’s worth trying. I realize that all this pain sucks but I only have one life. All I can do is try to find little moments to enjoy. I still think about her but maybe I’ll appreciate it more when I find someone else. Life is unpredictable so maybe there’s a chance. Just trying to figure this out for myself by trying to help.
  13. I really can’t summarize the whole situation. I don’t think it will work out. I also have never been around someone I get along with like that. It’s a connection that haunts me. All my symptoms and just life in general hasn’t been the same after the breakup. This is the month she broke up with me years ago. I had to stop myself from trying to call her last week and I did. I also had an unexpected insurance bill that made it hard to pay rent this month. My grandma got COVID but so far she’s ok. I tried support hotlines because I have no support system. I have a therapist and a care worker but not like we are gonna be friends in real life. Also doesn’t help being a guy and a loner. I hope some people understand loners because it’s like I’m always defending myself. I have friends but just to kinda talk and hang out. I feel like I reacted before I could think. She said her mom was going to be fully recovered from cancer. She didn’t say much so I asked her how she felt. Now I feel like me trying to get more out of her triggered me. I can’t even put into words all the stuff coming over me. I put that I hope she and her mom are ok but I have to think about myself and nothing else. Yesterday I didn’t eat or do really anything. I woke up today and felt kinda better so just hoping I can keep it up. I know this makes me sound like victim but I’m trying to work through all of this. I just keep trying and maybe some of this stuff helps.
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