unknown123

Today I wake up and I feel like I'm a monster. I got to admit that I have no friends. The friends that I usually have are people who come and go. They usually get in touch with me to seek for assistance either financially or technically. And I would help them if those are within my mean. I am bad at judging. I will treat some of them as my close friends. And at some point, bad things happen. I will then hear people commenting "seriously, you treat him/her as close friend?". Hence, I develop habits to seek for friends that are worth making. I would take the initiative to get in touch with them and just chat. Sometimes I like hearing how they are doing, what's going in their daily life, and how's their family. Sometimes, I wish to share my feelings and stories too. Nevertheless, when I stop the initiative, everything turns silent. No one actually text/call me or invite me to something. I find that most of the time I am the only want who wants to keep the conversation on. I feel there's something wrong with me. There must be a reason why most of the people around me are not looking for me, establishing a relation with me, or sharing something deep with me. I feel that the world is telling me I am a monster. That no one wants to be close to me or have any relation with me. Is better off I live in isolation. The only one thing I enjoy now is reading. Because reading allows me to feel the authors are talking with me. I feel quite pathetic. I am good in technical now but I have no one to share my joys/success/stories with.

Thanks for the kind words. It is really encouraging and something that I really need.

I had a similar experience. But there was a subtle difference. I had a reason to grieve. Specifically, I broke up with my ex and I had very important exams to take. To prepare for the exams, I didn't really have much time to get upset. Due to my incompetence, I was studying and practicing whenever I was awake and only had a very limited time to eat and bath. Occasionally, my tears were rolling during the practice too but I don't burst into tears because I just don't have that luxury time. I failed my first attempt, and so I continued doing the same routine until I got the grades I wanted in the following year. So it took about 1 and half year. After I gotten the results, I still felt a great pain in my heart because my ex is just someone that I love very much. I wanted to cry but I couldn't because the incident had passed so long ago. Eventually, I found that listening to sad songs can actually relieve some of my pains. Sometimes I burst into tears and the other times I don't. Listening to sad songs generally makes me upset but I do find it helpful. Nevertheless, I would like to note that most of the time I am doing something that I like. Those activities don't heal the aforementioned pain but they help me to balance the sadness I experience while listening to sad songs. I am not sure if I make myself clear but I hope you find it useful.

I think it depends on individuals. Because having someone to wake you up or wait you at night doesn't necessarily mean that you lose freedom. Sometimes you can be so lucky to have somebody and still being able to do what you like. That's a blessing. Meanwhile, being alone doesn't necessarily means loneliness. Because there are people who can truly enjoy single life to an extent where he/she can get some excitement and support from his/her own activities or entertainment. That's a super power. But very often, I feel there is a group of people who want/prefer someone to be with them. Somebody who is willing to love, understand, and care for them, and to accompany them throughout their life. And is someone who they really like. But life isn't that generous to everyone. In such situations, they can live with freedom but, frustratingly, they aren't happy or "that" happy with the missing piece. So, I think that's freedom and loneliness.

I just want to be myself. I feel I am really a good researcher, who can contribute a little to the world and society. I am happy for doing those things. I think it is what I am good at. Choosing such a life path doesn't give me a high probability of becoming affluent but if this is really the case, then can I just have a normal house, a typical car, and a simple life. If I am lucky, I can earn a lot and have a better life then I'll take it. But I don't want to stress about earning lots of money and worry for not achieving anything in life. And even if I love someone and eventually get rejected because of being such an ordinary person, that's not my fault too isn't it? At least I have expressed myself; just that I am not being appreciated. But I was never less than my actual value. So, can the society not judge me based on what I have physically? I feel what I really have can't be seen nor experience by a lot of the people. So, please, can the society not judge me in a particular way? I am richer than what you see on the surface. I am not sure if this is a loser statement. But I wish to express my frustration.