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csam

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  1. I share a similar existential dread/nihilism. After being on the self-help treadmill and trying to will it away for.... oh such a long time, I've concluded all I can do is live with it. There are so many things we can't change. This can be frustrating, but at the same time liberating. Like Oscar said, you're not alone here. Sometimes that helps a bit.
  2. Welcome. Can relate to some of that. You are one among many. It can be a challenge to practice acceptance of life circumstances, but from what I've heard, acceptance will ease the depressive burden. I'm still working on that myself, though.
  3. I appreciate your concern, but I've been on them before so I have some idea of what to expect. I don't remember them being very effective either, but I only gave them a few months trial. It would be a last resort at any rate. Would like to avoid them if I can. I've done a lot of conselling over several years. It's getting to be redundant, so I've taken up reading self-help and doing workbooks. And I was clipping along great, but all it takes is one bad day and everyone thinks you're unstable again. I've been exercising, meditating, cut out all kinds of intense music/media and replaced with more calming stuff, did some volunteer work, being kind to my family, being kind to myself. I'll keep doing that stuff. Maybe it'll stick eventually and I'll be ok with this wacky world again.
  4. Epictetus, the stoic philosopher! Nice to hear from you. I hope I will eventually just accept all that is. I don't expect answers from anyone. I'm more or less mapping my thoughts out, and I value the input from others. To be concise, I need to confront perfectionism, anger, social anxiety (probably GAD as well), hopelessness, and desire for things (and people) to be different than what they are. I'm honestly OK most days but the bad ones are explosive still. I exercise, meditate (or try to, ego doesn't like to take a rest), read, have hobbies. Still, the bad days are severe to the point of considering using meds again. But I don't think I should need to. I feel that I'm so close to getting over myself, yet it's hard to trust myself to manage those bad days.
  5. It may sound trite right now, but if there's any one thing you can do today to improve your situation, that's where you start to build momentum. We tend to compound our problems and further immobilize ourselves by saying it is hopeless. When we do nothing, we feed into a vicious circle of doing nothing because we feel bad, and feeling bad because we do nothing. As for what others think (and this is not easy for myself either), it is a reflection on them and not you. If you are seeking help from others, that is not being lazy, that is trying to get the ball rolling and is nothing to be ashamed of.
  6. I'm also non religious, not trying to push buddhism or anything haha. I was always anti-religious and don't like religious dogma, but have been interested lately in what some religions have to say about anger and depression. It's a tale as old as time.
  7. Alright. Depression has been on/off for many years. It could be classed as dysthymic, in general I'm just not as enthusiastic as others. I feel that one source for this is disappointment in our current state of mass consumption and production, where I long for a more relaxed pace and sense of belonging. And of course balance with nature. I haven't necessarily been living by my values. My career choice as heavy equipment mechanic came from "I don't know what to do for a living." I don't like machinery, and there is much stress involved in the work. I finally decided to leave it behind late last year, because I was tired of living a lie. My company also thought covid was a joke, and I was having a hard time speaking up about my opposing view. Now I'm attempting to set up a small farm with my dad. I've always had a hard time getting along with him, and I thought enough time has passed that we can cooperate now. But these old knee-jerk reactions keep coming up. Many days are good, but some days I resent my existence. Some days I resent him, though he tries hard to help me. Some days I am overwhelmed by the uncertainty of this whole endeavor, and all the red tape and regulations involved in food safety certification. Not to mention growing and selling a good product. And I'm often lacking in motivation, feeling like I'm simply biding my time until I die while trying not to be evil. So I lash out once in a while, usually directing all my anger at myself. Family is concerned. I don't keep in touch with any of my friends right now. They don't keep in touch with me either. My hope is that being on this forum will help me get used to interaction again. Hope that wasn't too long.
  8. Have used on/off and at different levels for 14 years. When I was younger, I was a heavy user. Right now I'm using very little, and will probably quit here soon. I'm on the fence about its effectiveness. Short-term it seems to melt away anxiety, allowing you to not take things so seriously. Long-term, it has its problems. I think I've been somewhat dependent on it. As mentioned above, it is a powerful sleeping aid, but I find my sleep void of any dreaming. It can mess with a proper sleep cycle. And I've put off a lot of important things from being high or just tired. I hate to perpetuate the lazy stoner stereotype, everyone is different in how they use and react to it, but I've been that lazy stoner. And if you're a heavy user, it can be hard to quit: hard to sleep, night sweats, loss of appetite. Moderation is key for anyone thinking of trying it.
  9. I think it can be communicated to some people. Others may not want to hear it, or will feel uncomfortable. At times in my life, I've blatantly expressed a nihilistic attitude, and can tell you for sure that it can damage relationships. As humans I think we have to walk a fine line between openness of expression, and making others feel comfortable. Probably that emptiness you speak of is more common than you'd think. In Buddhism they speak of "Duhka," or unsatisfactoriness, as a fact of life. It is through unhappiness that we know what happiness is.
  10. Angry, constantly. Disappointed at being born into a time where you have to work 50+ years making widgets or whatever, and having to be bloody grateful for the opportunity. Disappointed with my poor life choices.
  11. I think I'll try making myself at home here. I feel like I have much to say, but no idea where to begin. I'll start with hello.
  12. Lately I've read through/completed several CBT workbooks, and I really felt like I had it under control. I slipped yesterday. I've never liked to call depression an illness, or to claim it like "I have depression." But looking back it's been this way for a very long time, even when I was a kid. Maybe I'll open my mind to accepting it as such. I will agree with what was said here on the way we've structured our societies and workplaces. It's always seemed like a whole lot of nonsense to me, very empty and meaningless to keep on producing and consuming and competing.
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