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mokshaGehannum

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  1. moksha gehannum, turiya herem and samadhi sheol were the invention of the novelist Stephen Donaldson. They were the Ravers, the servants of Lord Foul, the ultimate evil in his Thomas Covenant - fantasy novels. I chose samadhiSheol as my name on df. I liked the idea of the dialectic of turiya, moksha, samadhi, the various states of meditation of the path to liberation as in hinduism/Buddhism on the one hand and the various expressions of hell in Judaism: sheol, herem gehannum on the other. (herem is actually more like "excommunication", a form of hell for some guess). The moniker I am using for this post is an ad hoc account, because I don’t have access to my old account any longer. I was rash to leave like that, I admit. But the fact is I needed to leave DF. And there are things I want people on DF to know before I leave, however. And I need to say good bye properly. samadhiSheol is now officially terminated as far as I am concerned and you won't here of me again after this post. I have had enough of DF. I have had enough of social media in general. Hell, I have had enough with people in general. I have had it with life, at least with my life as it stands. I will not continue this existence if I don’t find a purpose and a REASON to life. Something I can call mine. Me. A soul. Right now there is nothing. I am an empty husk. I have never really lived. I have barely existed. Whatever I have done in life has felt more like a chore than something I would relish doing. I am not holding my breath of ever finding even a resemblance of purpose or meaning, however. And I will not settle for anything anymore. Certainly not for a "resemblance". In life, or death, its all or nothing. DF hasn’t helped me at all. I know this is (just) a peer support group. And some people do actually get something out of peer support. Back in the day I was an outpatient on a psychiatric ward for about six weeks. I was in because of burnout, but all the other “inmates”, or “outmates”, if you will, suffered from depression. I had little in common with the other people there. I only participated because it was a compulsory part of my treatment back then, fifteen odd years ago. It was waste of time. Being there did nothing at all to help me. So god only knows what went through my head when I joined DF, six years ago. I guess I thought online peer support would be different. In a sense, I suppose it is different. We don’t know who other people are, for real. Not that that makes any difference really. I am not a “people”person. And a bit off topic, you know what? There is bright side to COVID, lockdowns, social distancing etc. people like me are having a heyday. We don’t have to invent excuses to not meeting other people. In this sense, last year was a good year for me. About the only good thing about last year. Like a lot of people, I have spent more time on social media, DF included during covid. And little by little, I realized it has the same effect on me as socializing in real life. It exhausts me, taxes me and after a while I get bored and find it hard to focus on anything. And this is in the rare instances I actually enjoy communicating with people. People..I don’t really get people. I don’t understand the small talk and the inanities of every day conversation. And it all gets blown out of proportion on social media. There is something fundamentally wrong with social media. We aren’t equipped, cognitively, emotionally or in a vocabulary sense, to communicate the way we do. Facebook, Twitter, DF...the platform doesn’t matter. It seems we regress to the lowest common denominator when we communicate en masse. In real life too. Just look at political protest marches, even the benign ones, or a regular soccer match. Or again, perhaps it’s just me. Whichever, I have had enough. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don’t doubt for a moment that the initial idea of any given (mental health) social media based platform is benign and the intentions altruistic to say the least. I have been on a steady downward spiral since I joined. And though I can’t blame DF for my mental health decline, It has contributed largely to it. The thing is, people on forums like DF are vulnerable by default. The parlance and the way we express ourselves, the continuous primal scream of pain we express, does nothing to alleviate the pain, or utter emptiness and hopelessness we feel. The moderators mean good, but let’s face it, every mental health forum should have mental health professionals involved. Someone with a true objective perspective. I am not saying that a mental health platform-based on peer support alone doesn’t have its place. But it’s not for everyone and it is as flawed as any social media. Another thing entirely is I became addicted to posting on DF. Largely because I have no other outlet. I have no one to talk to in the real world. So I just blasted away, on DF. I never had any sense of release, or felt any better after spewing out all the vitriol, pessimism, misanthropy and self hate. All it did is fuel the fire. I didn’t really know what addiction was before. Now I know and it has to stop. One way or another. I have no idea what will happen to me. I think of ending my life daily. I think how pointless life is in general, let alone my failure of an existence. I hate myself. I think a I have always disliked myself. I hurt myself in a psychological sense and also physically. I see nothing good in my future. Life is just a meaningless, steady decline of a Groundhog Day. As yet I have no reason to change this view as to life or myself. Staying on DF, or any other social media based online platform will just make me worse. I hate myself for being in the same state I was 15 years ago. I hate myself for not being able to deal with the dead end job I find myself in yet again. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this situation and actually make a life of what little there is still left. And I just hate myself. There is nothing within me. I am a void. Emptiness can be anger, hatred and hopelessness though. Replacing a soul I guess. If I ever even had a soul it has been consumed by despair and pointlessness in the hell that is existence. Me. I. What a joke. Half the time I don’t even know who “me” is. I know I despise “me” whatever it is, though. I have always been a weakling, a bit stupid and a failure in life. I see no way out. I hope I will be dead as soon as possible. There is nothing out there for me. This world clearly doesn’t need my distinctiveness. And I don’t really want this world. People suck, nearly as much as I do. Humanity is doing it’s best to destroy itself. Sadly it’s too stupid to realize this. Good bye DFers. You deserve to feel better. It’s most likely too late for me. But if there is any chance for me at all I have to leave DF.
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