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  1. I totally validate your need to wait until you are ready. I thinks it is great you are working with a therapist and plan on processing your relationship with your mom through with them. That way when you have come to peace with your thoughts and feelings you will be able to have a conversation where you are not vulnerable to manipulation or reactionary.
  2. I’m so sorry you are going through that. Some people can be so cruel and inconsiderate. Don’t let the actions of self involved idiots make you question your self worth, you deserve better than how you were treated.
  3. Sadly I think the system has too much toxicity in it to change... and many of us nurses are drawn to the job because we are codependents. Going to my first Al-Anon meeting I was surprised to find half the members were nurses. Many of us have poor boundaries and allow ourselves to be exploited, especially if we think we are working towards a greater cause. Unfortunately corporate owned hospitals know this and use it to their advantage. And sadly more and more non-profit and learning hospitals are being bought out by these large corporate hospitals whose bottom lines is profit not people. Not to mention corruption in the insurance and pharmaceutical industry... I have to force myself to focus on the positivity, the humanity, and the grace in healing when I enter the building for work or else I think the bitterness would consume me.
  4. It’s so hard trying to stay positive when we live in such a greedy world... working in the health care can be so disheartening because you see corruption in the system constantly. I’m a float nurse (no home unit, just go where they need help each day) and spend a lot of time on the ventilator weaning unit. It’s so soul crushing to work so hard with patients and watch them succeed just to get word back from social services that insurance will not approve a rehab admission they desperately need to regain their muscle strength. Knowing if they are just placed in a nursing home with inactivity pneumonia will set in and their newly recovered lungs will become weak again. On one day I’m sent to big money generating units (cancer, transplant, etc.) and see lots of resources and safer ratios, then sent the next to units that generate less money and who are given smaller budgets by administration so the nurses and patient care techs are busting their butts to make up for the lack of resources and staff. It’s hard knowing in the end the hospital makes a profit off of unsafe nurse to patient ratios, so does little to resolve the issue even if it means loss of life and high staffing turn over from burn out. The almighty dollar is cheating so many of us out of our quality of life, if only those at the top could see past their own greed.
  5. Sometimes withdrawing, or playing low ball, is our bodies way of protecting ourselves from overwhelming emotions- emotions we may not even be aware are just under the surface. I hope this day passes with self preservation and brighter ones are in your near future.
  6. I find this very relatable. I have a constant fear of rejection and abandonment and even just stepping into a grocery store I feel like I’m being observed and I’m an imposter trying desperately to fit in... I wear a smile on my face constantly and I am always polite, but what people don’t see is that one sideways look from a complete stranger has me spiraling into thoughts of self doubt and self loathing. Seeing others on here with the same struggles helps me feel human (when I was a child I convinced myself I was sub-human to make sense of the way I was being treated). You guys have no idea how much sharing your perspectives and experiences gives validation and self acceptance
  7. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would fight HR on this one since you were given no verbal or written warning before being put on administrative leave for an accusation you were not even aware of. Nothing scares HR more than the prospect of a lawsuit, therefore I would turn it back around on them an accuse them of improper termination based on hearsay. I would threaten to get a lawyer involved if needed.
  8. I’m so sorry to hear about your job. Have you tried searching for your meds on ad link removed to find coupons? I would also ask your prescribing provider if they have any assistance programs. I work in inpatient (hospital) not outpatient, but I know we are able to sometime “brown bag” (aka give free prescription refills) medications for patients to get them through a couple rough months. It might be worth looking into since tapering while going through a depression trigger can get dangerous. Sending positive vibes your way.
  9. My cats name is Nat, and she has lots of nicknames Nit-Nat-Kitty-cat-give-a-dog-a-bone Natkintosh (like a Macintosh ) Natty-Pooh
  10. Disassociation is our bodies way of protecting ourselves, but can be such a slippery slope. Give yourself major credit, you are actively seeking other outlets and trying to connect with others on this platform. That is huge! disassociation can be a good thing in the moment, but I implore you to keep seeking connection and other coping mechanisms so that survival mode does not become a way of life for you. In case you haven’t heard it in a while, you are doing the best you can right now and that is ok. (That mantra has helped me slowly climb my way out of a survival mode way of life, and I hope it brings you hope and healing).
  11. I feel you friend, I experience the same thing. I think it’s part of the trap of having functional depression. The desire is there, but the fear and pain secretly hold me in place repeating the same daily motions. Survival mode and emotional preservation are hard to breakout of after experiencing a major betrayal. I found that forcing myself into situations out of my comfort zone where I am held accountable to others was my first step towards starting a new life (for example I started a new job that required me to contractually advance my degree within a certain time frame so that I could no longer allow my depression to talk myself out of going back to school). I’m hoping that with this step I will get closer to finding and accepting myself so I can live a life where I hold myself accountable to me and not to the acceptance of others.
  12. Out of curiosity do you identify as a third culture kid? Both my parents were raised in mission fields overseas and have struggled their entire adult life to find “home”. Trying to live in the states they never felt like they were understood or belonged despite my dad being an American and having lots of extended family in the US. Believe it or not ten years ago my dad took a work assignment to Cambodia, they ended up liking it so much they extended and have been there ever since. Being in a third world country feels comforting to them because that is how they were raised. Have you ever thought about living in a city with lots of German or European influences? Or even moving internationally?
  13. I can’t help but relate to you. Despite being fortunate enough to have a good job and be in a position where I can support myself, I struggle with feeling empty and numb. I’ve felt stuck in a rut for the last three years and have no idea how to get myself out or where to even begin, but I refuse to give up and force myself to carry on every day. Depression is a beast. You are not alone. I hope coming on here and giving a voice to your depression and struggle is the first step to finding your joy again
  14. I think it depends on the person you are waking up and going to bed to. When my ex husband became emotionally distant towards me I could be laying right beside him and feel a void and a clawing loneliness that tortured me. I knew he was cheating on me but didn’t want to know because I felt like the loneliness would **** me. Now time has passed and I live alone and still get lonely, but never the loneliness of laying next to someone you love that no longer loves you. I survived and came through and can say for me the loneliness of living alone and having freedom is nothing compared to the loneliness of being in the company of someone who has emotionally rejected you.
  15. How long were you on it? Just eight days, or have you not taken it in eight days? Everyone is different and some people metabolize different drugs faster or slower and have different underlying hormone regulation. If you have been off of them for eight days I would contact your prescribing provider for advice on safely weaning off, symptoms may become worse as more of the med is metabolized out of your system. It is definitely possible to begin withdrawals from mirtazipine after eight days without it after previously taking it for an extended period. That one can be really harsh to come off of so please be safe and reach out to your provider.
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