Hi, my name is Oliver, and I’m writing this because I have a very complex situation and I don’t know precisely where to turn. There’s some things you’ll need to know about this situation as a preface before I get into what I need, but I’ll make it as succinct as possible.
Firstly, I’m a 22-year-old transgender man who still lives with his parents. I’m an American citizen who lives in Germany, and has been living here since 2012ish. I had a brief experience attempting to go to university in the U.K. but ended up failing my first attempt, and then barely making it past my second attempt before my mental illnesses really flared up, and I returned to Germany just before this pandemic really hit. Now I’m trapped here with limited resources.
Secondly, I have a bad history of mental illness. I was diagnosed with Depression and Social Anxiety when I was around 14, and frequently missed attending school. I still barely managed to pass all my primary and secondary schooling, but as I got older, I got worse with attendance and ended up passing by the skin of my teeth. Some days it would be a huge fight between me, my mother, and less frequently my father.
My sister had also been diagnosed with clinical depression at around the age of 7 (she’s 4 years older than me). Before we moved to Germany I was home schooled, and grew up rather isolated from others as my mother never really bothered taking us anywhere other than the occasional Co-Op or field day. Because of this I didn’t develop a lot of close friendships and did not have discipline in things that I had a hard time achieving. I instead escaped into my own realities and wrote and drew and played with figures.
My mother later became more and more abusive, turning to alcohol, screaming, and degrading her kids, along with a very volatile itile emotional state made for me wanting to isolate to my room where I felt safe.
Life went by and the experiences of pain, misunderstanding, and the constant ebb and flow of failure and success, highs and lows, and I was tired. I’ve been tired. I feel like I haven’t aged since I was 16, because I’m trapped. Pinned down by illness. I can’t get a job here, I don’t have access to the military bases medical systems or anything because I’m a dependent of a civilian contractor. I’m planning on moving to Nevada with a close friend because I have no family that wouldn’t coddle me or that I would depend on too much.
Very recently I was diagnosed with PTSD, and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and while I suspected the former, I doubted the latter. At 22, that kind of diagnosis can really change your whole perception of yourself. I am scared, but I am at least a little less self deprecating now. I want to do more and start my life and have a job and do things for myself but I am so scared. I am anxious I’ll just keep failing and needing someone else to bail me out or depend on, I’m scared I’ll never live a normal life or do the things I aspire to do because I feel fundamentally broken.
I’m too anxious to leave my room that much and socialize because it burns me out. My depressive episodes seem to get lower and stay for longer. I can count on my fingers the good or manageable days I’ll have in a month rather than the bad or low ones. I’m having to change so much of myself because I’m autistic now at 22, and people make issues with the way I have always been for things that don’t seemingly impact my life. I have no motivation, no aspiration, no energy, no future prospects, no way out, no way to transition, and no self esteem. I am so scared and I feel so alone.I know that the people in my life love me and want to help me, but I just can’t do what I need to to help myself and I don’t know what else to do.
Please, if you have any resources for any of the illnesses I mentioned, or if you experienced anything similar, let me know. I want to know that my case isn’t so special that I can’t be helped because no one will truly and fully understand it.
Thank you all.