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Svenetc

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  1. Sounds very familiar. Watching a TV Show and all the sudden it seems like a mirror. It got me to the point to turn the TV off and try to forget. And the shift in mood I definitely can agree on. It happens out of the blue and I "lie" to myself that all is fine just to find out later that I am not and all the "Happy" was just a cover up. I will find myself just as bad as I was before .Full of doubt and mistrust . I just liked to feel happy for a bit I guess. But reality will catch me every single time.. So does a stupid TV show.
  2. I am going through that as well for a long time. What's causing it I do not know. I discussed it with my doctor and they too blood and so on. Nothing conclusive. I wake up every day at the same time 1:15 AM to start my day and be at work at 4 .... Usually I am a fully charged and energized man and can go and work for weeks without a day off. Just can't sit down and stop. As soon I I stop I am done and I get tired and my mood drops quickly. I turn into a " pumpkin" - useless and not very social. It bugs me a lot. Because I know other people that go to work and have a social life after that which sometimes causes them to only sleep for a limited time. I can't do that. My key trigger is kicking in when I have time to think. It is like my heart talks to my brain and my brain talks to all the rest of me ....an endless conversation and I am in the middle. When that occurs I am out and all I want is think and sleep if possible. I have tried many medications and for whatever the reason, if there are side effects - I will experience a bunch. So all I take now is Keppra and a OTC sleep aid. Anything else will mess with my daily life. Wish I could be just "normal"
  3. Thanks ! I do ... I do wonder though what others think but I do not care either. I am me and nobody can change that. I have not done anything wrong that I know of and I would need to know if I did in someone else's eyes . Called courage
  4. That is right - nobody would like to be in a place where there is no change ever. That is right for the seasons of the year but also in personal life. Change has to happen in order to make it worth living. Btw. I lived in OH too. Urbana - just N of Dayton. I liked it much better than IA for sure ...
  5. Yes I gain a lot through that experience. - every day and sometimes unexpected. I found out where I am most vulnerable and how I can open up to people more easy without giving myself away. Thank you !
  6. Thank you ! It makes me feel better to know, that there are people out there feeling the same way.Trust is the one and most important piece of a puzzle in my life. And I had the same experience. Once I was betrayed and lied to I caught myself questioning my surrounding people about their worthiness to have my trust.I questioned myself and still do in certain situations. But I know who I am and what I stand for. All I know is that if someone gains my trust - they got all of me. It just got way harder to get there. I am doing the same you do. I shut down and shut out and leave the " door" open just a crack. That way I can slam it shut as soon as I feel it necessary to protect myself.I learned a lot about myself through that journey.
  7. Hi, I am still new here and just had an interesting first time experience . Well, I am here to seek advice and so on because i am down to the core. However just minutes ago I was just sitting here by myself, my cats are sleeping on the window seems and all the sudden I felt tears running down my cheeks. Out of nowhere. I felt them running down my cheeks and had no explanation for it. They came out of memories. That is all. So I went outside and tried to figure why I was shedding tears out of the blue. I live in the " boons of Iowa " and I have nothing but fields and trees around me. So as I was looking around trying to figure out myself I thought maybe I am just like them trees. The grow leafs, are green all summer and in the Fall they shed their leaves and are bare in the winter. Maybe that is my life. I grew , lived and shed my tears. Now I have to wait for spring. Hopefully I am getting there and I am not an "annual" that only blooms once. Guess that was a great look into my inside thoughts I just had. I will figure it all out and I will use any inputs I get from here and from my surroundings. I know it might be a pointless post but I felt that I wanted to share.
  8. Thank you ... I will follow those steps... and I will be fine and i am glad I have a place to express myself
  9. Thank you , I am glad you learned how to cry and cope. This is important. I am a very emotional person and an easy target getting emotionally hurt. I do not express my feelings - whether the comfortable ones or the uncomfortable ones. I pack them in a shell and only people who know me can read in between the lines. They can tell whether I am doing good or if I am not doing well. Once I am comfortable enough and have some trust I can release my feelings and am able to acknowledge empathy or advice. If I can't find an outlet or any advice out in my daily life is when I turn online and read other peoples stories. There are often good and helpful pieces of my "life puzzle " to be found.
  10. Thank you ! I do allow people to know who I am and what I truly feel - once I trust them. That is a hard thing to achieve because I am overly protective of my inner self. I am trying to break out my shell and be me. Some people I work with or deal with know my inside. They can read me and ask. It is just me that is the holdup. But I will try to find answers here and I bet I will. So Thanks again !
  11. Hi, I do nor know where to start. But I hope I find answers here. My name is Sven and I am 48 years old. I have two children 16 and 18 this year. I was married for almost 18 years ( my one and only marriage ) This however ended by her cheating on me and she left me last year without warning or anything and filed for divorce - for another guy. That happens I guess. I just had no hint but suspected it. I do hold and always did have a steady job , I am a humble guy, kind , faithful and clean, straight forward and do no drugs or run to bars etc, never cheated and just tried to do my best as a husband , friend and father. And I failed at least as a husband. I have been treated for depression before and never succeeded with any of that medication or talks to strangers. I am me. I know how I feel and how I will feel when I get hurt. Now I have been hurt badly and I do not cope well. I do respect my Ex-Spouse's choice and wish her good luck. But giving my trust away again did hurt me even worse than loosing my marriage. But now it is ME- time. I trust so little in anyone anymore and who ever gains that trust should value it because it is that hard for me to come out of my shell and open up my mind and heart. If I do it is a win for who ever itis. Well got yet another shell shock by trusting the wrong person I guess. It starts tearing me apart badly and I do not know where I can turn to. I try to avoid triggers and just be myself, but I am surrounded by people at work and even online who can read in between my lines. Whether I say it or write it. They know that even if I crack a joke or even smile - this is not my inside. I do not wanna live in constant fear of being disappointed or emotionally abused. Sorry if that has been discussed maybe 200 times in this forum, but I have no clue where to start searching for answers. Any " Plan B " ? Thank you !
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