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Svenetc

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  1. I sure hope it helps you. I am not familiar with medications and avoid them whenever I can. But if it provides relief for you maybe it is worth a shot. Wish you best of luck
  2. Thanks sober I am actually the same way. I do not decorate because it is a certain time or holiday. I used to pick up stuff at random and use it to decorate. Irritated the hell out of people sometimes but who cares. For example I bought a palm tree and my cat back when chewed off all the leafs ... 5 years later I still had that tree with no leafs but a rope light. I am weird like that. I used to buy fabric and fishing line and create an artificial cloud on my ceiling. All stuff I used to do and never felt weird or bad. Now it is just strange because my kids come here and my house looks the same all year around. No decorations anymore and no personality. Just like me. One event took all out of me and I try to shake that off for almost 2 years now ... That is why I am in here. And all of you are very inspirational. I am thankful for that
  3. It does not fit anywhere...so I post here I suppose .... Hi all, I just wonder and maybe it is off topic. But I wonder - do you decorate your houses and homes when you feel all down and depressed ? I used to decorate for all the holidays when there was a whole family. Now that it is just me and my cats I have no desire - although I miss it. Granted my cats would love decorations ( especially a Christmas tree ) and my youngest son would not mind even though he is 16 ,but love a great ambient surrounding. But it seems like I lost interest doing it for myself. If you do decorate, does it elevate your spirit? or ... Does it take you down memory lane and you sink deeper into being sad and depressed ? I hesitate to try and find out. But Halloween is here, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years just in sight. Thanks
  4. Sorry you feel that way and deal with it anyway. I love fires.... small or big. I it is burnable I set it on fire. I have a big yard and my fire pit is way away from house or other things. It has just a calming and entertaining effect on me. Sorry it is not your "game" especially if you can hardly handle it to begin with. Get some rest and ease you mind
  5. I am sorry to read that. But I am doing the same. And I know my triggers. That is somehow good but also causes an over protective behavior. I try to avoid the triggers but sometimes I just can't escape. It sucks knowing that is being "ok" is ass good as it get's. Wish I could say I feel great, happy,excited, normal and free in mind and spirit. As long as I carry my triggers around in my thoughts I will not be able to do so. Breaking out that cycle seems to be the key.
  6. To speak in your "pictures" .... I noticed that if my plane seems to go down I find all kind of mechanisms which engineers of life have built into me. Some work and some don't. However there is always air traffic control ( aka. the people I am surrounded by ) to stop that fall somehow. And so far they managed it. I hope you hang on tight to your "plane" and find all the features that will protect you. They are there. If I keep using your picture again.... there is usually a Co-Pilot and Flight Attendants on board with you.... so you have support Sober The crash does not have to happen
  7. Charlee, Yes ! I know you can gaslight yourself . I practice that every day and hate it. I deny myself to express emotions and thoughts and feelings. It is like wearing make-up . All just fake to "fit" at the moment and leave the wrong impression to please others. Only people that truly know me can see even through that make-up and know that if I say " I am doing fine " .... I actually do not. That when my own shield crumbles. But I have only a very few people in my life that can see, hear and read of what is going on. I did not even know what gaslighting is until a friend told me. And that is when I realized that I have been subject to exactly that for 18 years. 24/7 and I did not do nothing about it and evtl. lost myself. My identity was basically gone. Fighting your way out is probably hard, but writing - like in here - helps. Because nobody can see you and prevent you from doing so. And I do not have to wear " make-up " - not even a mask
  8. Charlee, it is sad to read how you feel. I know the feeling though. I " self-doctor " as well. But my issues are minor. I think I can handle it without actual help from outside. It helps me to be in here and read and interact more than attending any sessions somewhere or taking meds. Between work and my "social" life in here and a chat I can kinda live . But that low feeling hits me too all the time. Sometimes worse than other days. Just pulling through I suppose. The purpose of my existence I question all the time, but I believe that there is one and I will find out what it is someday. I hope you find a way to get help from any source. So that way you can write here in 11 years how that went and we will all be happy that your 10 year plan never succeeded
  9. Hi Nightjar I might believe sort of in them. Not like you see in movies or so - but I some sort of higher power. Just like Soulmates and Twin flames. To me they exist. Other then that - your post is saddening to read about how dependent you from your mom. I can only imagine how that would be. Hopefully you get on your own feet and take control over your life soon. I am not a praying person, but I send best wishes instead.
  10. I know what you are saying.... and I feel bad for you. I dealt with that for too many years. Being fake is not my thing. Keep my mouth and mind shut neither. But Hey ! favorite food right there. Eat up and at least enjoy that part And look forward to the next day, which is Monday - new week new chances, new game, new views. That is how I live anymore.
  11. Nightjar ... you got it not all wrong. I pay on my house as well. It is actually cheaper then renting. However I have not bought new stuff for myself either. Not clothes or furniture. Not because I do not work enough. But life screwed me all over by one persons choice. Now I pick up the rubble and figure it out. But I for sure not opt in for renting if I have a choice. Hopefully you can figure something out to get restful sleep and a peaceful environment and life. I know how important that is for sanity. If you find that I am pretty sure you can find room for personal development and money for clothes etc. Just a matter of time and luck/destiny. You need that guardian angel close by ! ... it is there ...I am pretty sure
  12. Been there and catch my self there all the time .... Motivation is hard to come by sometimes. Hope BK was at least good. I hope it gets better Duck . Has to
  13. I honestly wonder this too, how do people move through life, do their jobs, show up daily and get promotions? Like HOW?! For me the answer is :HOPE .... hope to escape a cycle of feeling down and sad 24/7 . Work gives me a purpose and sort of reward for getting up, showing up on time and dedicating my efforts to my job. If I would not have that tiny escape I would go nuts. I have nothing at home to look forward to, but at work I know the day before about what I will tackle the next day. That works for me. All the rest of my "internal mess" I could not battle without a steady job and task.So I am thankful for it. Thankful that people believed in me and trusted me and thankful that I was guided to a great opportunity. So I believe a good job and a purpose for that matter is better than any medications I could get from a doctor who has no clue of what is going through my mind and my "inside" daily.
  14. Hey monicott ... I can read and sense the tense and awful situation you must be in. All I can say I feel bad for you. You need an " outlet" .... maybe you can find a person on here or off here to talk to. Seems like that is what you need in the worse way. I assume many here are able to listen and be there. Talk to one .... talk to me ... I am open and non- judgmental or else. I am just here. Got my own stuff to deal with but that seems minor. But I always care for others too....
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