I am very concerned because I’m feeling like my life has no direction and I’m not on a path to go very far.
I’m not sure how much of this may be affecting me today but I would love to hear your opinion...
When I was 11 years old I experienced my first crush on a girl in my class. 6th grade we dated for a summer, broke up. Fast forward, I was “in love” with this girl all through 7th grade and then come 8th grade I asked her out and we started dating again. We had the same circle of friends and life was just peachy. Fast forward again, we dated for 6.5 years until we were 20 years old, both sophomores in college.
We were on a downhill slide during sophomore year at college, sex wasn’t fun and the love between us wasn’t the same. So after many nights together, talks, arguments and tears, we finally sat in the car together and I broke up with her. She didn’t want to at the time and part of me didn’t either. But I listened to my gut and went down the solo road. Breaking up with her (in person) was one of those worst things I’ve ever experienced. I cried a lot and experienced a sadness like I never had before. I went back to college for the spring semester and partied my ass off like there was no tomorrow. I came home for summer and continued my “solo high” if you will, but it was starting to dwindle and grow old. By the end of summer and around my 21st birthday I was heading downhill. I began having intense thoughts of suicide, depression and my overall happiness felt like it was being siphoned directly from my soul. I turned harder to the booze and party life. I kept trying to find that “high” that I felt during my first spring semester as a single guy. But to be honest it never came back. I just kept feeling slightly worse.
Fast forward to now, I’m 26 years old and still think about this stuff. I am grateful for the experiences I’ve had the last 6 years of my life living single. I’ve studied abroad, graduated college, made friends and have met a lot of people. However I still fight with depression and anxiety regularly and to be honest, I have suicidal thoughts cross through my mind I’d say on average several times a month. I always try to kick them but they’re quite stubborn.
Throughout my childhood my family moved homes quite a few times. Between the age of 5 - 17 I moved about 9-10 times within the same town/school district. (Counting rental homes) In a way it’s kind of cool because I have many different experiences with homes and living situations but at the same time it makes me very angry and upset. Fortunately I always lived in a clean home with both my mom and dad
My last home, lets call it “NS” (the one before my parents current home now) Well when I first met my high school girlfriend in 5th grade at 11 years old, that was the same time I moved into home "NS". I lived in that home until I was 17 and then we moved again. Depression and anxiety took my attendance that day.For a solid year maybe a little more I resented my parents and I was mad at the world. Part of me still is today but I try to be grateful for everything/everyone in my life.
I usually have the same suicidal thought… drive to home NS in my car (it’s only 15 minutes away from me) sit in the field next to it (it’s a home in the country) and shoot myself. I do not want to hurt anyone else. I know it sounds awful but this thought has replayed in my mind for years. I want to just erase the thoughts but it's weirdly so addictive. Here I am now at 26 years old and I feel like I’m constantly looking for ways to “fix the past”. However all it is doing is wasting my time. I'm aware of it but I feel like I can't completely shake it.
I really would love some help because I do not want to be in this mindset anymore. I have had plenty of experiences with girls over the last 6 years however I have never committed to anyone and I’ve never actually dated another girl. I’ve only had one-night stands and a couple of flings. I want to open up this part of my life because I can feel myself becoming regretful in regards to women, dating and intimacy however I do not want to go through the hell of a relationship break up like that again. To be honest I’m terrified of it. My home NS was my "anchor" in my life if you will and when I lost it I didn't know how to handle it and became even more co-dependant on my girlfriend at the time. Every time I fail at something in life, especially with women, I blame the past and say "if my family stayed at my other home I would be a stronger man today, more confident, better with girls, and things would be better". Its a very pessimistic/blaming mindset I know. But I don't know how to get rid of it. I do it so much and I'm tired of it because I know nobody wants to hear it.
I recently talked with a girl this past fall, her name was Carly. I really liked her, she was 22 years old and reminded me a little of my X. I day dreamed about her (probably too much) and thought this was my opportunity to rekindle some of my past and try to do things different. Well it did not work out with her, at least it's not looking like it now. Things just started to fizzle as she moved a couple of hours away. Once this set in I started having panic attacks like I've never experienced. This has been happening over the past 10 weeks; I've been waking up in the middle of the night with my heart beat well over 100bpm and my anxiety through the roof. Again the suicidal thoughts at home NS have been coming and going as well. The last 10 weeks I have been on and off with lying in bed until noon / 1pm and moping around all day. Other days I try to be productive (gym, job search etc) but I’m making little to no progress.
After my depression/anxiety sank in from Carly, I started feeling like I’ve just been living in a dream, fantasizing about my past for the last 6 years. So I reached out to my X from highschool (we have tried to link up a few times randomly over the last couple of years, but we never did because of cold feet.) I met with her and it was a mental trip straight back to when I was a kid, let's say 17. I think my goal here was to see how she's doing and hopefully get myself out of my own head and see reality. I still love her and have a special place in my heart for her but I do not wish to be with her again. She lives out of state now and is on her own working a full time job.
I want to move past all of this because I'm sick of my anxiety/depression taking over me. This whole Carly experience is killingme because I'm blaming myself and thinking had my mindset been better and less negative/focused on the past.. maybe things would be turning out more positively between her and I. I feel so lost and stuck in my past that it's slowly destroying me.
Honestly I’m starting to feel hopeless in this life. I want to kickstart myself but I just don’t know how. Perhaps pursuing a career and making a decision on my own could be my best move? I don’t want to keep neglecting relationships and living in the past in my life seeing as I’m 26 and I’ve had this same mindset for years. I’m not good at asking for help or opening up about these deep feelings because they carry so much weight in my mind. I just want somebody to help me understand if this is normal to be feeling. In 4 years when I turn 30, I do not want to be struggling with this same mindset still. I don’t know what to do to change my direction.
I am at the point now where I want to say forget all of this, move on and get my life started with a better mindset. If you've read this far, I truly appreciate your time. I'd love to hear some of your opinions about this. It seems like these feelings get triggered every time I try to commit to anything and try to connect with a women especially.
I'm just feeling stuck and anxious. I could really use some advice.
Thanks again for reading!