Years ago I was in the deepest, most passionate relationship of my life. I didn't know what love was until I met her. I knew I had depression but felt I was able to manage it on my own, and she was headstrong and confident. What this really meant was that I thought I could handle myself and she could never admit defeat. A few years later and we still take road trips together, go on dates, and spend every waking moment together. I had been with her through her roughest times, I took her in when her mom threw her out of the house, I was sure we would always be together. On one of our normal road trips we went to see a concert she was excited for. I knew nothing about the bands playing, I knew none of the songs, I was shy around people and generally anxious but - worse yet - I was also starting a bad episode of depression without realizing it. We get to the concert and she wants to sing and dance but I don't know the songs, I'm too shy to dance, and my depression was at an all time high. It ruined the concert for her. The entire drive home we sat in silence; she was furious and I was took broken to try and fix it.
She said we should take a break.
I made her promise that we would take this time to work on ourselves and then come back together. That we were still in a relationship and we would make things work, and she agreed. I re-enrolled in college to finish my degree, I looked into gyms to start losing weight, I learned to drive, and all manner of other steps to improve myself to be a better me for her. I was so convinced we would be together that I got my brother to send me our departed mothers ring so I could propose to her. I even asked all my married friends how they proposed to get ideas and learn how they did it. A month goes by and she agrees to see me.
and she broke up with me.
Not only that, she had cheated on me as well. With three guys. I had not and to this day still have not been so utterly and completely broken before. I spiraled hard. I got home, lay down, and didn't move for three days. I didn't roll over, I didn't turn my head, I didn't eat or drink. I spent the next several days on forums like this one or crying silently while I looked up suicide hotline numbers. A friend was worried about me and called the police to get me some help and I started seeing a professional and taking Citalopram.
Time went on and I started dating again. I ended up in two relationships between then and now that ran for at least a year each, but the truth is I went off of Citalopram (I start taking it again tomorrow) and I've been spiraling down again. The more I think about it, the more I realize I still have unresolved issues with her. My pain, my anger, my sorrow. Everything we had been through together, the good and bad. That feeling of passionate love. It all just sits in the front of my mind. Even while I was in other relationships it felt like I was cheating on her and I don't know what to do to get past it. I don't know how to let it go and allow it to be history. The last girl I dated asked if I loved her more than I did this incredible love of my life, and I couldn't honestly say yes to her, because I haven't loved anyone or anything as much as I did her, despite what she did to me.
Is there any advice on what I can do to start letting her go after all these years?