It has been a long time since I entered a blog entry. I am not sure anyone will even read this. But it helps to get things out there. I've been seeing a psychologist for almost 3 years. I have tried so many drugs too, none seem to help at this point. I am now realizing I need to start healing without drugs. I had a good run with Paxil (12 years), but nothing has helped since. I now realize there were/are many events in my life that led me to this moment. I do believe brain chemistry has a lot to do with it, some people are more prone to certain conditions beyond their control. But as with many things, I think a combo of nature/nurture form who we are.
I was an only child. I was shy, I was bullied. I was rejected. I wanted so badly to be accepted, instead I found cruel rejection. My parents divorced when I was 13. I spent a lot of time on my own. I started smoking pot and drinking a lot. This continued through college, and drinking was a part of my social scene for decades after. I had huge mood swings. Depression, then elation. Anger, sadness, euphoria. When my first child was born I decided to try meds, so I went on Paxil. It was a miracle for me. Mood swings went away, things did not bother me, I could stop my mind from ruminating. Less worry, more confidence, it was great. 12 years later, the effects wore off. For the past 6 years I have tried different meds. Currently on lamotrigine, and trying Paxil again, but I feel physically like crap, and am getting no benefits.
I think I might finally be done with meds. With the help of my psychologist, I realize I learned so much behavior from my early years. I learned to fear social interaction. I feared my vulnerability. I felt nothing I did was good enough, felt unliked when everyone else was liked. This turned into shame. I felt I had little value. Felt I did not matter. My inner critic was running wild. As I got older I became my own bully. Unsure of myself, always afraid I was being judged.
Now that I am almost 53, and my two kids are in college, the house is empty. I work from home most of the time. I feel lonely and disconnected from people. I was laid off from work twice (due to company downsizing) and this took a toll on my self confidence. I still worry about my value, at work and outside of work. I cannot relax, I am constantly anxious and worried about things. Taking clonazepam but do not want to do this long term, and it does not really help that much. Makes me tired, and feeling dull.
So knowing why I am who I am today helps. Knowing events in the past contributed to my thoughts and behavior today. But they are so engrained, its been so many years I have learned this behavior, it is very tough to relearn new behavior. But I have to, if I want to ever see happiness again. I want to be there for my kids, for my wife. My parents are aging and I fear losing them. I am afraid of loss, as I will feel even more alone.
So I begin my healing journey with pure willpower, and practice. Work on taming my inner critic, learn to love myself. Learn to understand I am human, live everyone else, and I have flaws, like everyone else. But I have talents too, foster those. Get out and connect with people. See that people are also dealing with issues, empathize with each other, heal together. Start doing things, try thing, see what you enjoy, then do more of it! Believe in yourself, the past is the past, move forward. I do matter, I am valued. Do not be around people who do not value you, life is too short.
Of course this is easy to write down. It seems so daunting to do. But it can be done, if it takes years, it can be done. I am on my way...