I'm feeling very sad and low today. I've been having recurring thoughts again about k***ing the person that abused me in childhood. I lost loved ones last year including 1 to covid... it's driving me mad. I feel like bursting. I feel very sad too... It was someone I haven't seen since it happened. It's been over 3 decades.
I was recently diagnosed with complex ptsd alongside the depression. I'm obsessed with him. I keep putting myself down constantly, and I don't know how to stop it... There's a bully in my head. I've had enough of living in my world. I have violent scenarios in my head.
On the outside I'm a nice person who goes out of her way to help others, but inside I'm harbouring insane violence. I'm having therapy at the moment. I get afraid of being abandoned by the therapist because of these awful thoughts. I know deep down none of this is the real me.
I hate being so negative, but thanks for listening