RoamingBee

Thank you so much. You understand this properly.

I'm feeling very sad and low today. I've been having recurring thoughts again about k***ing the person that abused me in childhood. I lost loved ones last year including 1 to covid... it's driving me mad. I feel like bursting. I feel very sad too... It was someone I haven't seen since it happened. It's been over 3 decades. I was recently diagnosed with complex ptsd alongside the depression. I'm obsessed with him. I keep putting myself down constantly, and I don't know how to stop it... There's a bully in my head. I've had enough of living in my world. I have violent scenarios in my head. On the outside I'm a nice person who goes out of her way to help others, but inside I'm harbouring insane violence. I'm having therapy at the moment. I get afraid of being abandoned by the therapist because of these awful thoughts. I know deep down none of this is the real me. I hate being so negative, but thanks for listening

Whoever said that is ignorant, and very naive about the world they're living in! I feel they missed an opportunity to be an actual real person. Instead of being so fake, and believing all of that positive thinking all the time B.S. Some feel the need to protect themselves from anyone that's in emotional pain. There's that saying that goes something like "you'll become depressed yourself if you're around a depressed person." I get not wanting to hear an angry person, because anyone that's angry will likely speak nonsense. But someone in need... It's really sad to dismiss someone who specifically chose you to confide in. I say that because I'm someone who values deep connections vs shallow ones. What you're going through is valid. Period.

Hoping for non judgemental support, and understanding.