ggpheobepeeby

hello!

I love this outlook!

All I do is catch myself asking consistently (practically begging) for time but as always the outcome is the same with each and every one of them, they want to leave. Space gets pushed right into my face and arms, and I have no choice but to take it as is. I welcome the "loneliness" with a cold shoulder trying to avoid the inevitability, yet all it does is just follow. I lost my friends all due to different reasonings but it didn't help that my past suitors had done the same. I just can't understand what may be so overbearing about me, what about me is what drives others away? I look to others trying to find help for myself and yet I still find myself absolutely stuck. No movement, no changes, just left there. I understand that not everyone is meant for everybody, so am I just not meant for anyone? Life has its ups and downs and thats just the way things flow, like an ocean current. It could be a huge wave coming to overtake you and the water could be rough as ever, but the next minute it could smoothen out. But where does it leave me? Still stuck. Is me asking for time just too much for everyone? I dont know, I just don't want to be stuck again or anymore truthfully speaking. But then again who does?

One night, some people thought it would be a good idea to break in and try to steal from us while we were sleeping and mind you not it was 3 in the morning. Ever since the incident that had occurred in August, I have been lacking in sleep and waking up constantly throughout the night. Now that I've found a safe place for me on the internet, I feel like I'm relieving myself of my stress and problems. These past 2 days I have been sleeping well, and I am grateful that my body is finally receiving the rest that it needs. I honestly can't wait to see how today will end out. 🙂 Due to todays mood being more on the positive side, there isn't much for me to talk about. Thank you for reading and I do apologize if my grammar isn't so good. ❤️

At 5:46pm of yesterday, I have made my first little journal on how I felt on the depression forums. It is currently 7:33pm and today I have taken a day for myself. Everyday I will try my best to be consistent with making daily updates for myself as well as others to see, I feel accomplished for taking the time for myself and identifying my problems. Today has had its ups and downs, but altogether I was able to work on my communication, being more truthful with myself. One problem I have identified is control over my own emotions, I tend to let my emotions run me rather than thinking through them first. I act based on how I feel because I was raised to always speak my mind. It is considered a problem because I let it get the best of me, in a situation where I could be having a normal conversation and I randomly get triggered by something or by what someone says or does, I act impulsively (without a thought). I am quick to do not to think, but I am glad that I have identified it because it just shows how much growth I can have within my future for when I look back at myself. Due to todays mood being more on the positive side, there isn't much for me to talk about. Thank you for reading and I do apologize if my grammar isn't so good. ❤️

Today I woke up feeling drained as always, but it was sort of different this time. I had no one to wake up to on a call, the messages that I've received are the same as usual. The only different thing that had occurred was the feeling of relief. To be totally honest, I feel like its because I got my problems off my chest and I am genuinely happy about that. Should I feel weird about the sudden mood changes? or is that a totally normal thing? Some days I would go to sleep mad, sad, etc. and then end up waking at the break dawn seemingly alright, I hope that's normal lol.

I haven't lost touch with my emotions, I am just unsure on what I should be feeling. I get so angry to the point where it leaves me sad and hurt, I feel my heart in pain. I don't know any other way to cope with my feelings other than either having it all out in the open or punching myself. Punching yourself may sound weird, but it's relieving for me. I leave bruises on myself as a way to remember that I tend to push it a lot to reach this point of frustration. All of this is a result of bottling in all my emotions, its reached a breaking point. It has been seeping out through tiny cracks, but finally it has come all out. I feel like a mess, but im glad to know I'm not broken, there's nothing that needs fixing.