One night after moving back into university halls of residence last year, I basically watched Porn Hub for around about 2-4 hours intermittently when my depression was as its worst height.
I'd also already experienced false memories by this point, and very unusual, irrational obsessive worries about hurting children. This originated from the extreme distress I felt after finding out that an ex-teacher is a pedophile. The overbearing empathy and sympathy I feel towards people in general led me to believe that I was somehow to 'blame', unnecessarily.
That night, I would go from lying on the front of my chest and humping the bed (an awkward way of doing it that I developed when I was in my early teens) while watching the different bits of the same Porn Hub video on my phone, to then sitting back up and watching random videos on YouTube.
The second to last video I watched was a video of Kurt Cobain and his 18 month-old daughter, that appeared on the homepage after sitting up in bed again.
At this point, I remember thinking that if I were to watch this video, I shouldn't watch another video afterwards, purely ''because this YouTube video had a baby in it'' - even though I knew deep down that the two videos were entirely separated by tabs on my phone, not to mention obviously by content.
Nevertheless, I watched the interview video, scrolled through the comments and paused at a specific point then went back to the lewd stuff, and only then did I kneel down again, but with the video loaded.
Finally, I remember sitting up again and going back to the YouTube homepage and the first video shown was a slideshow of Cobain's daughter through the years and I remember feeling so much guilt for having wasted my evening watching Porn Hub.
The reason for this guilt is that - as best as I can describe - seeing a baby (the pinnacle of innocence) in the YouTube video made me realise the essential humanity that we all have, including the adult performers I'd been watching. I felt heavy guilt for objectifying them, as well as a hypocrite who talks about the importance of feminism.
Even though the videos were obviously different, my mind basically told me that going to watch porn again after watching an unrelated interview video that - just happened - to have a baby in it, somehow made me an ''anti-feminist'', an ''evil person'', and a pedophile.
Perhaps I overthink the morality of things, I don't know. I remember going to the sink afterwards, dry-vomiting because of this guilt, and then eventually calming myself down through talking to myself for an hour step-by-step. The next morning, I wasn't stressed.
How my brain has twisted all of this is to say I humped the bed to the point of ejaculation while staring at the paused video image of Kurt and his baby.
I have no explicit sensory recall of any of this. But obviously, the more I've obsessively ruminated about it, the more the 'image' in my head has gone from being grainy at best to very detailed. Yet again, I don't remember the sensations of any of this. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself were this the opposite. Plus, this worry only arrived in May.
I literally remember feeling content and happy/making different mental leaps forward at further points towards the rest of 2019, and on New Year's, and not being worried about anything, let alone this. Surely, I couldn't have done this and 'repressed' it?
Yet, I still feel like a liar and fraud who shouldn't live, and has been lying to himself for the last 11 months.
The guilt and stomach pains and sore throat is so painful, and I keep losing sleep. It's gotten so bad that I tried to hang myself earlier today, but I stopped myself before pushing the chair away.
I'm due to collect a new prescription for mirtazipine (for depression) and propranolol (for this intrusive thought and anxiety) tomorrow, hopefully. First OCD therapist appointment is on Thursday, as I've realized I most likely have POCD, which fits in with my history of obsessive compulsions; plus, Asperger's makes me obsess a lot over the past too. At this point though, all the anxieties have left me; I know I'm not like my teacher and never will be, it's just this one intrusive thought that is preventing me from moving on.
My mum and brother and friends keep telling me I didn't do it, as well as my own inner voice/event recall; though, I'm wary of the addictive nature of being constantly reassured.
Mum said, ''Worst case scenario, you did it; after watching that stuff for 5 hours and being as low as you said you were, you might've made a mistake. That said, I'm pretty certain, because I know you Dec, that you wouldn't do that''.
So, at the moment I'm 50/50, but more inclined to think I didn't do it. My brain keeps going from doubting to hopeful, and it's ******* me, but I hope things get better. I want to move on with my life so bad, but the niggling voice tells me that I 'ruined' it.
What do you think?