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mas_1

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  1. Thank you. I just want to try to save the most important relationship I have ever had in my life. I am 32, we spent 8 years together and we shared so many important experiences. We had our problems in the last year, year and a half, but I think we can solve them if we talk and give it a shot. She made me think she wanted to, but then she pushed me away every time. I don't know, I feel I am the only one who cares about it. I feel like most of the problems we had are not there anymore, but she has other priorities right now. I feel helpless, I know we can fix this, but does she want to? What does she want? Why does she want to see me?
  2. Well, she told me she is not going to come next week. Maybe in the weekend, if she can (I know she can if she wants to) maybe in two weeks. I have been really patient trying to understand what she told me she is going through. I have supported her even if she pushed me away multiple times. I guess I am just fed up, I can't stand these behaviors anymore. I see absolutely no respect for my feelings and for the years we spent together.
  3. I know what I want. I want her to see a person who worked hard on himself in the last two months. I want us to reconnect, to get to know each other again. Mentally I am really stable now, I finally accepted my physical issues. I feel like a new person. The point is I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she is willing to see this. I don't know why she wants to see me now. I am afraid she just wants to give me explanations about what she did and try to remain friends.
  4. Quick update. I contacted her almost two weeks after her call. I was worried and wanted to check how she was doing. She said she is feeling a little bit better. Still many ups and downs, but better. In the next four days she initiated contact on three different occasions. The last time she told me she is going to come in my town next week and if I'd like to go for a walk with her. Really don't know what to expect.
  5. Hello Atra, thank you for your kind words. I don't know if she is suffering from PTSD, that's what she told me the last time we spoke. I think she is dealing with depression and anxiety, I think she is unable to access the feelings she has for me and that she can't deal with the relationship at the moment because of her anxiety. I don't think she doesn't love me anymore, otherwise I guess she wouldn't have done or said many things she has done and said when we met. That is what all my friends told me as well, but maybe it is just a hope, I really don't know. It is so difficult to not be able to do anything, I feel so impotent, so helpless. I would like to hold her and reassure her, but I know she has to deal with this by herself. I am so afraid we will not be able to save our relationship, which is the greatest gift life have given me in the last years. I haven't heard from her in more than a week and it feels like months. At the same time, it is difficult for me to divert my attention because of my health issues which impede from doing many things I would like to do. It is such a tough time for me, I just hope days will pass quickly and something good will happen.
  6. Hello everyone, this is my first post here, but I have been reading this forum a lot in the last days as I am dealing with a very difficult situation. I am not English mother tongue, therefore I apologize in advance if my writing is not perfect. I am 32 years old. In the past I had to deal with very tough situations. My mother had cancer twice, my father died because of cancer in 2012. It was really hard for me, but life goes on. Few months later I met this girl and we fell in love. I had other girls in the past, but this was the first time I ever had a serious relationship. We spent 8 years together. After the first year (we met abroad), we had to deal with distance for three years (seeing each other every week or every two/three weeks) before we finally started to live together. We had ups and downs, as every couple does, but we never had big problems. Everything was great. My girlfriend had panic attacks and anxiety from time to time, but I was usually able to calm her down and they never took a toll on the relationship. Almost two years ago I started to have some health problems. I had a really hard time trying to understand what the cause was as all the doctors I have been to told me it was just stress. I had severe insomnia and during the day I felt horrible: fatigue, brain fog and so on. During these two years I had good moments and bad ones, but I had to change many habits in order to feel better (changed my diet, stopped smoking, drinking, started to go to bed early, stopped exercising). A few months ago I finally found a doctor who think my issue is in some gut flora imbalance, I am following a therapy and is helping me a lot. My health problems took a great toll on my girlfriend as I couldn't do anymore many things we enjoyed doing together before. In addition to this, my problems worsened her anxiety. We are both teachers and three years ago we moved to Asia to work. In January this year we went back to our country to stay with our families, who live in different towns, so we got separated during the coronavirus lockdown and were not able to see each other for almost five months. Also, we couldn't (and can't) go back to the country where we work because they closed their borders and foreigners are not allowed to get in. During this period, we only had an argument at the very beginning because of my health issues and the anxiety they cause to her, but we managed to resolve it very quickly. Apart from this, everything looked good and normal. She said she loved me, missed me and that wanted to see me. At the end of June we renewed our working contract and we paid the apartment where we live in Asia (and where all our things still are) for another year. In the middle of July we had another argument. Few days before that, I should say that she told me she was feeling depressed but had no idea why and she had a feeling of a lump in her throat. Anyway we were planning on finally see each other, but there were some impediments because we currently live with our mothers and have no place to stay for the other. Few weeks before she had proposed me to spend some time somewhere close to the beach (two weeks or so), but I said no because I needed to focus on my health and follow a very specific diet that I could not follow on vacation. Moreover, prices were too expensive. So one day I decided to look for more affordable solutions and I found cheap apartments close to the beach in non-touristy towns and I told her that we could spend some weeks or a month there, stay together and go to the beach when we wanted to. She said these places were not interesting, then she said that she didn't want to spend a month there, she needed to stay with her family and friends. Then she also said that because of my health issues we couldn't do much there anyway. I got really upset and we fought. The day after she texted me and said that she wanted to apologize, but also that there were other things she wanted to talk about and that she would come in my town to talk to me face to face. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what was about to happen. The day before she came in my town, we talked on Skype and she apologized again. She also said that she was not feeling well, she was very anxious about us getting back to Asia, she didn't like the city where we live, the life we had there and that she was worried about my health. I got upset because as I told before we had just renewed our contracts and our apartment. I told her she should have talked with me about it before, instead of immediately after that. I also told her, as I already did many times, that I was more than happy to move somewhere else, but we needed a plan, we needed to find another job opportunity, we couldn't just leave, it was too risky to give up excellent job conditions to take a leap into the dark. On Sunday she arrived in my town, but she said she was confused and needed time to think. I met her on Tuesday, when I saw her, even if we had had an argument, I was truly happy, as I had not seen her for 5 months. She was cold though. We started to talk and she repeated that she didn't like her life in Asia, she was unhappy, but she didn't know exactly why nor she knew what she wanted to do. She said she felt that going to Asia was my plan, not hers and that she had just followed me. She said she needed time alone to understand what she really wanted to do in her life and to work on herself, trying to fix her anxiety and mood problems. I told her that I thought that a lot of negative thoughts about our life in Asia were because of my health issues and she finally admitted that she could not stand the situation anymore. She said anxiety was eating her alive, she felt trapped and like she couldn't breath. She felt I was changed because of what happened to me. I asked her if she loved me, she started to cry, she said she didn't feel anything. I got upset and told her that my health issues were not my fault and I was working really hard to fix them. I was still the same person and our relationship was more important than anything and we had to protect it from these problems. I also told her that we needed to spend some time together, as we had not seen each other for a long time. We needed to try to work together to save our relationship, no matter the result. If we failed, that would have been it, but we needed to try at least. At the beginning she refused to say so, but then we just try to spend the afternoon together, talking about other things and she changed completely. She relaxed and it was like nothing had changed. We started to talk and laughed. She proposed to have dinner together and we did. We talked and talked and talked. During dinner she said she wanted to try to save our relationship. She started to look for my hands, to touch me. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek on her way to the bathroom. It was like a dark cloud went away and my girlfriend was there again. She said she wanted to meet again the day after. She told me I should spend a few weeks in her hometown and that she wanted to look for a place to stay. She proposed to spend some days at the beach at some friends of her's. We left the restaurant and she held my hand, she took my arm and put it around her shoulders. Before saying goodbye, I kissed her and it was a long and beautiful kiss. Before leaving, she said that indeed nothing had changed, we were still the same. We texted while she was going back at her sister's place (where she was staying) and agreed again to meet the day after. On Wednesday I woke up and I felt relieved, but I was really anxious something could take a wrong turn. We were supposed to meet after lunch and at 10.30 am I texted her. She agreed again to meet me around 2 pm. Before I left I texted her again to tell her that I would be a little late. She replied and asked me if she could call me. I knew something was wrong and indeed it was. She was crying and told me she didn't want to see me. She said she had not felt anything the day before. She even said she didn't feel anything looking at our pictures from the past. I asked her why she did and said the things she did and said and she said she made a mistake, she was doing what she thought was the right thing for "us", not her. She needed time alone to sort things out and said she decided to talk with a therapist. I said that was a good idea. I understood that something was wrong. She looked devastated and I was worried about her. Before saying goodbye she asked me if she could call me or text me if she needed to. I said yes and we said goodbye. The day after she texted me again and asked me if she could call me. She told me she would leave the day after and that she didn't want to see me or hear from me again. I tried to remain calm as I did the day before, I told her that I thought that when we had dinner together, she obviously felt something and that the day after she got anxious and panicked. She said she had made her decision and restated she didn't feel anything for me anymore. She looked more nervous than the day before and she was slightly aggressive and was pushing me away, even if I didn't try to force her into anything. She said she needed time, but she didn't want to ask me to wait for her. I told her that I could give her all the time she needed to sort things out if there was the possibility to be somehow constructive and helpful for our relationship. However I added that if she felt that this period of time she needed for herself was really just a prelude to a break up, we'd better break up immediately. She said she felt pushed and in the end, we did break up for good. I felt horrible and that night my insomnia was even worse than usual. I woke up at 4 am and my mind was racing and I started to think about a million things. I went on the Internet and read a few things about depression, anxiety, mood disorders and relationships. I started to feel sorry for her and in the morning I sent her a text to tell her that I understood what she was dealing with and the reasons why she needed to take these steps by herself. I also said that I hoped she would succeed and find some peace. She replied thanking me and I thought that was it. Two days later she texted me. She said she was feeling down, she was confused, she felt like everything happened too fast and she wanted to talk again when she would be ready to do so. She also asked me if it was okay for me if she texted me from time to time. I was very calm and agreed with everything. In the next two weeks, we texted two or three times. One night she texted me and said she realized that her behavior had been really inappropriate. She said she wanted to call me and make me understand how she was feeling and what was happening. The morning after I replied telling her that I thought it would be best if we talked face to face. She accepted and we met halfway. We spent one day together talking about everything. We had a wonderful time. She explained to me what she was feeling and said that she wanted to try to keep our relationship alive. She even made plans about our future together, but she said she was feeling guilty because she didn't feel like kissing me or else. I said it was okay, I was happy we were there together. She added that during this time, she would never ever see other guys, she would never do that. She said she wanted to see me again. We hugged a lot, she held my hand while walking, she called me using our intimate nicknames. Before we left, she kissed me on the lips and said we would be okay. After we left, she immediately texted me thanking me for meeting her. She said she had a wonderful time and that she wanted to see me again soon spending more days together. She said she wanted to have a little holiday together spending some days in some nice places. The following days she sent me some apartments she had found in a nice place close to the sea. We texted everyday for three or four days, even if she was still feeling low and sad. Then one day she said she wasn't sure we could spend those days together because she had to run some tests, but she would let me know when she was available. I said that was absolutely fine. The next day, two weeks ago, I texted her and told her if she wanted to spend one day together in a nice town close to her hometown during the weekend. Her reply was quite cold and said she couldn't, but I said it was fine. The morning after she sent me some texts on messenger, but then she unsent them and I didn't have time to read them. I understood something was wrong, I asked her if she wanted to talk with me and said yes, maybe in the evening. She said she was feeling really low and that she woke up with suicidal thoughts (she already told me this when we met). She texted me again after she had been to a doctor and said she was feeling better because the doctor calmed her down about an health issue she was afraid she had. She apologized for her behavior and I said it was okay, she didn't need to apologize as I knew what she was going through. I told her she was really strong and that everything would be fine. She replied saying that yes, everything would be fine and that we would talk soon. Two days later she texted me again and said she wanted to call me. I already knew what that was about. She said she didn't want to see me. She was really anxious and seeing me or even thinking about me made her feel worse. I was dying inside, but I said it was okay. She said she was suffering from PTSD (I guess her therapist told her that) because of my health issues and that she needed time. I kept saying that it was okay for the whole conversation, which lasted no more than 10 minutes. I said that if she didn't want to see me or talk to me it was fine. I only asked her why she said she wanted to see me and she said because in that moment she felt she wanted to, then she got anxious again. That is it. This happened one week ago and since then I haven't contacted her and she didn't either. I am at loss. I don't know what to do. I was thinking I could text her just to ask her how she is doing but I am afraid she can get more anxious and push me away even further. I just want to tell her that even if I can't understand what she is going through (I never suffered from depression) and I know I can't help her, I am there for her, whatever she needs. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit. Thank you.
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