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About aterrou

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  1. I haven't come back here to the forum for a couple of weeks I don't think. Not been the best time. Working from home, or rather trying to. A home that doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place that I'm staying until I find another place to live. I'm sleeping (or not as the case may be...) in the spare room, which is also where I work from, so am spending maybe 22 hours a day in the same room, mostly just feeling lonely, unwanted, and useless. I know it's probably not good for me and that I should get out, but I just don't see the point. I play with my kids sometimes, but even though they're only young, I think they can sense that I'm not quite right, so they drift away and want their mother after a while. I can feel myself spiralling down, but I just don't think I care enough to stop it. Or at least I don't think I deserve to stop the descent. I'm sorry for the negativity, I just needed to write this down, however incoherent. It's all feeling pretty dark at the moment, but I still have hope that there are better times ahead, even though it's difficult to imagine right now. This is progress for me, however small it might seem, because not so long ago I didn't have any of this hope. I don't know. Hope is good, but it is pointless without doing something about it, surely? I hope you are all doing well. I wish you strength and peace.
  2. Feeling especially lost, lonely, and down today. Don't know why, nothing has particularly changed, I just feel more cut off from everything and everyone. Had my sons over the weekend, and it was good, but still felt a bit distant from them, especially since I know I won't see them as much in the future. Feel myself circling the drain, and know I have to do something about it - even pretty sure I know some things I could do about it - but I'm not sure I want to anymore.
  3. Thank you for thinking of me @Atra, I appreciate it. Slowly adapting, though not all of my coping mechanisms are very constructive. Hopefully not too destructive either, but there you go... You are right though, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I try to keep busy, to keep my mind on other things, but there's always something that seems wrong or missing that keeps me distracted. Years of depression (and I guess some loneliness too) and I feel a bit hollowed out. Going to take some time I think to remake who I am, just hope it won't be someone too unpleasant! Practically, I'm still arranging a new place to live - everything taking longer due to the virus situation here. Still haven't told my kids - we were only going to do that once I have something certain in place with my new place to live. Divorce process still hasn't actually started yet either. All in all, everything is uncertain, and I'm feeling a bit lost. And yet I still think I'm fortunate on the whole. Which is something I guess.
  4. Thank you for those words @Bulgakov. I must admit of course to holding grudges myself and on occasion giving in to the urge to retaliate against others with some petty actions (that they may not even notice to be honest!). So I can't and won't criticise for ignoring someone who has ignored you. But the way I try to see it, even if I fail to follow through on my own words, is that I don't want to retaliate or bear grudges anymore. Not for the other involved - they can ... off for all I care - but rather for myself, entirely selfishly. I don't want to cultivate any more resentment or hatred in myself. It's hard enough to get through the day without carrying that extra weight.
  5. Hi @Sad Puppy, sorry to hear your story, it is painfully familiar for me too. I haven't been married as long as you, but the last six years have been devoid of interest and intimacy for me too. Has left me feeling hollow and unwanted - not the lack of intimacy itself, but that there isn't any reciprocation of my interest. Eventually she told me that she simply wasn't attracted to me, and had "fallen out of love" with me. Probably my fault of course, with my ever deepening depression (and suicidal thoughts) over the last years. But still very painful to hear. Like you, I've got a couple of kids, and for their sake, I don't want to divorce. However, she does (simply doesn't want to be with me anymore), so I'm currently trying to move out (not great in pandemic times!). While I feel broken at the thought of not being around my children all the time, I have actually started to feel a bit more positive about it. After quite a long period (well, the past 4-5 months) of trying to get my head around it all, I'm trying to view it as an opportunity to improve myself as a person, and to rediscover what I'm like as a person after years of depression and unhappiness making me feel uncertain about that. I'm certain I'll make many mistakes, and feel pretty crap about myself a lot, but I hope that things will gradually get better. I can't give you any advice based on my failures as a husband. I know you said divorce isn't an option for you, and you want to be there for you kids, but surely your unhappiness isn't good for your relationship with your kids is it? That's what I'm telling myself at least - my kids will hopefully be happier with both parents happy but apart, rather than unhappy but together. Maybe you have to concentrate on your own happiness, on your relationship with yourself, rather than with your wife? Sorry, just a thought - I don't know how that actually works, am still figuring it out myself...
  6. When I was in some of my worst places personally over the past few years, I just wouldn't respond to people who contacted me - family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. It is not as though it happened often, only occasionally. It wasn't that I was ignoring them: I would read the messages. It was just that I couldn't face writing a reply, couldn't think of what I could say that would merit me taking any time from the people who contacted me, even if they had asked for something specific. I just couldn't lift my head out out of the hole I had dug myself into to see that I was still part of the world, even if only a very small and insignificant part. It must have seemed that I was ignoring them all, and if I hadn't been so self-absorbed, I would have seen how that could have affected other people. Like @Nightjar said in point #2, I selfishly just couldn't see past myself. Sorry to go off-topic @Z Diggity Dog, but your post reminded me that I've been part of the problem you've described, and I'm sorry for it. I'm not of course claiming that your family and co-workers are like me, but I would suggest that maybe it's not about you but about them. I don't mean this disrespectfully to you of course, I mean that maybe they are the ones with the problems, and not you at all. Maybe you're putting the blame on yourself, when actually there is nothing about you that is 'at fault'. I don't know you of course, so maybe I'm way off, and if so, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just trying to justify myself. I try hard to treat everyone I meet with respect, compassion and kindness, however difficult that is sometimes, because I don't know them and what they are going through, just as they don't with me. I often fail, and that's usually when I've fallen back into my self-made hole. Sorry, this got away from me a bit...
  7. I'm pretty new around here, but I wouldn't have thought this was the wrong place for your post. I'm truly sorry for what you have gone through. It sounds awful and lonely, to lose your friend, and to seemingly be unhappy at home. I have no solutions for you I'm afraid, while having had depression for a very long time, I am only recently starting to get a bit of a handle on it - but still a long way to go. A good friend told me though that building a positive relationship with myself was so important. While I'm not there yet, it is what I am striving for. I hope that maybe you can too. I have been helped though by reading through some posts on this forum though, and hearing the kind words expressed by the members, sometimes even for me.
  8. I'm sorry you have gone through, and are still going through, that. I think I know what you mean if you don't mind me saying. I don't just want to be pitied either though, I'm not a puppy with a broken leg (though I suppose I am a man with a broken brain...). I find the internet easier to start to make contact, but then I find it more difficult than face-to-face in terms of feeling uncertain as to whether there's a 'real' connection there at all - I try to be honest, but who knows if it is reciprocated. Just constantly second-guessing myself. All there are are words, no actions. I don't want my loneliness to turn into anger, hatred, or loathing. I want it be something that will drive me to be better, to be kind, accepting and generous. But it's difficult. Being ignored or used to serve some selfish purpose just the once (or even perceived to be ignored or used for all I know) is enough to feel really knocked back, making it all the more difficult to even try again.
  9. Got a cold which never helps the mood. So have the rest of my family, which means none of us have slept very well, and we're all grumpy as a result. Still feeling lonely in my own home, sleeping in the spare room and feeling like an unwanted guest. Even the kids ignore me most of the time when their mother is around. It's not her fault, but it hurts nonetheless. Looking forward to getting out but not leaving my kids behind. Breaks my heart. It's not as though I wouldn't see them anymore, would still co-parent, but it's not the same as being there all the time. The kids will adapt I'm sure, but I don't know how I will cope. Most of my socialising is on the internet talking to random strangers, easier with my low confidence and self-esteem than in person (even if there weren't a pandemic on!). Doesn't make me feel great most of the time, so will stop. Have met a beautiful soul online (not talking in a romantic sense I shouldn't think), but no idea if it's a real impression or just something virtual. Ah well, there are bigger problems than my pathetic attempts at making friends. I hope you are all doing well and keeping well.
  10. They say that when you're with family you regress back to when you lived with them. Happens to me every time, however mature I think I have become, however I think I have developed emotionally, I regress to being a moody teenager and bicker with my sisters when they're around. Don't know why I'm mentioning this, sorry.
  11. I got a little lift just now due to "graduating" from newbie to junior member in this forum. It's the little things Other than that, it hasn't been the greatest week. Feeling down and distracted (or the other way around in terms of causality, possibly...). Have been feeling quite lonely, even though I still live with my soon-to-be ex-wife and children. I think I've realised that my loneliness has been around for years, with ever decreasing intimacy (emotional, but also physical) with my wife, and my gradually deepening depression meaning I've withdrawn from old friends and found it difficult to make new ones. I'm trying to work on it and become more open and kind, but it is difficult, and I'm probably holding myself back. I'm in my later 30s and I'm trying to learn how to make friends! Rather pathetic I realise. I find it easier to write to - and think I can sound relatively eloquent on occasion - than speak to people. I'm just one of those shuffle-into-the-corner guys when it comes to social situations. I can pretend for a bit, but it's exhausting.
  12. You don't have the background perhaps, but then you don't have the same preconceptions that they have, you are not subject to the same implicit structures and constraints that you gain when working in a familiar area. That might you a bit of an outsider perhaps, but it also gives you the opportunity to be different, to show the others a different way of doing things. Maybe even a better way Don't think I have any confidence like this in myself - I don't. Sometimes it just takes someone else to point out that things are likely better than your depression-fuelled catastrophisation (?) makes it seem. I know I need that, pretty regularly. Your chosen study sounds really interesting, so well done on starting! And I hope you can put yourself forward to get to know your colleagues a bit better - it might make the whole experience more fulfilling! All the best
  13. Some people will always sound amazingly accomplished compared to you - I know I feel that on a daily basis. Some of them even might be. But no-one is you, and no-one will be able to bring exactly the same perspective as you can to this course. Another way to think about it: if people are already so accomplished in the topic you're studying, then why are they doing it too? Ego boost if they find it easy? (which might not be a bad thing of course, but I don't like the showing off if that's what is happening...). If you are new to the subject, then I admire you for extending your horizons and pushing yourself past what is familiar. All the best with your studies!
  14. Thank you, I appreciate that. Sometimes it is the smallest thing that can lift you, even if it hard to also avoid those small things that can drag you down.
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