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xoearlle

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  1. Hi, i'm new here. In fact, i've only skimmed through this website and read on some of the forums. Anyway as the title say, I'm kinda lost & confused. As of right now, I'm not diagnosed nor do i know if i have any mental issues, but lately i've been bothered by my own emotions. That's why i thought maybe i'd found answers/clue/help here. I'm in college right now and i would say the campus i'm in is among the top ones in the country i live in, hence it's hard to get in. But once you're in, it's also just as hard to survive. It's a very competitive and tight learning environment. To some extent more than a few students had semester leave due to depression, and i've heard some cases of depression going on my campus since i enrolled. it's just tough. As for me, i would say i'm just average, not a 4.0 student but i can still manage. Now the problem is; i start to feel hopeless at times especially since last semester. As the semester went further, the classes get harder and I'm not satisfied with myself. I keep telling myself to just study harder, but however hard i try, i always feel like i couldn't be as great as some of my peers. they seem to be out of my reach. Months ago i get my result out and i cried myself hard, i feel really hopeless to the point i wanted to vanish and not existing at all. i really bawled out that night. And remembering that moment frighten me because i've never been like that before (and hopefully i won't be like that again. also i'm not suicidal, that i'm sure). Was that crying just emotional relief? I mean feeling blue or stressed is normal, but now my emotions/thoughts are bothering me. Like i'm constantly scolding myself internally. I keep thinking of "i'm not happy with myself" or "why am i like this?" or "why am i so stupid?" or "you're such a failure". For almost 2 weeks now, It's hard for me to study like i usually do, I would say i'm a lazy-ass but now it's so hard to start and focus my mind on studying. I just feel resistant toward the idea of doing it, but when i don't do it, my mind won't shut up on scolding myself. I start to develop terrible mindset like "whats the point of doing this? whatever i do won't change the fact that i'm not enough or will ever be as good as them. I just couldn't excel this". At the end i'm just not feeling happy and kinda lost in thoughts about what have i done/become. These thoughts have reached the point where it bothers me and i couldn't just simply change or get rid of this toughts. I keep asking myself: am i just unmotivated? am i just lazy? maybe i'm just dumb? whats wrong with me? I honestly feel really overwhelmed, but i couldn't cry. I don't know why, i feel heavy and sad, but not a shred of tears would come out. I try to trigger it by watching/listening to sad movies and song but i won't cry even though honestly i'm so exhausted with my emotions. Am i showing some kind of mild depression symptoms? If yes, should i seek for professional help? Thank you so much!
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