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spicy icecube

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  1. (this is going to be very messy and all over the place I'm sorry for my awful writing) I was born as a female and when I was young I never really felt that out of place in my body. I was fine with wearing dresses and all that. I liked putting on makeup with my mom and insisted on always painting my room pink whenever we moved into a new house. I always hear about FTM people who say they could tell that they didn't belong in their body by the time they were 5 or 6 even if they didn't know what the term for it was. That always made me really question if As I got to be about 8 and 10I started to slowly stop wearing dresses and drifting towards shorts and I got along with both the boys and girls of the school equally. Suddenly it just seemed like a switch somewhere inside of me flipped right around the time puberty started. I would just wish daily for me not to develop breasts and not get my period. I prayed that puberty would never hit me. Obviously that didn't work and both started happening. I refused to wear training bras because I saw it as giving up my hope and the chance that everything would just stop. At this point I would still wear dresses occasionally, still had very long hair, and had kept the pink paint on my wall. Eventually as I started using the internet I discovered a brand new word, transgender. I thought that I had finally found out what was happening to me. But as I learned more about it I thought to myself "but I still like girly things" some dresses were acceptable in my eyes, I was ok with having long hair, I still was ok with pink, and I was fine with being called my birth name most of the time. But even after all of that I still hated my body. Eventually some of my friends pieced it together themselves ( i was too much of a coward to tell anyone by myself) and they encouraged and supported me. With this new support I decided I would try out a few new things. After months of trying to persuade her my mom finally gave into letting me get a short haircut. That day I felt like a whole new person and I felt like I looked amazing (even though I essentially got a bowl cut but with really curly hair) Having long hair might have felt good but having short hair felt amazing for me. In my mind that checked off one thing in my list of confirming to myself that I was trans. I also stopped wearing dresses to try and reinforce in myself that I was masculine enough to be trans. I kept going with this, I refused to wear makeup and I felt like shaving my legs was going to just end my hope of feeling like having a group that I fit into. Then all of a sudden I discovered non-binary terms. At this point the only thing I was sure of was that I wasnt a cis-female. So after telling that confusing story im still sort of like that. Summing up my dysphoria I wish I didnt have breasts and I do sometimes wish I could change my lower areas. I just seem to go all over the gender spectrum except for feeling like I have no gender. Im ok with wear femine clothes sometimes, im ok with wearing a small amount of makeup, I dont care what pronouns people call me but I would like to change my name to something. I've been really confused about my gender and I figured asking other people who have more knowledge of the community what they think might help in me trying to figure out the mess that my gender is.
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