Hi, I'm 22 male, I have a severe depression, with some suicidal thoughts, spanning over the last 8 months.
I'm in the last year of my CS Master degree (5 years of study). I spent my whole life playing videogames and doing computer programming, and those still technically are my main passions, though I no longer enjoy doing anything now.
I think one common part of my depression is my virginity/inceldom. I never had any intimate contact with a woman, even though I am heterosexual and I have been romantically and sexually attracted to women my entire life (starting around age 7). I started masturbating daily starting at age 15 and never really stopped for more than 3 days in a row.
Some other thing I regularily think about is my lack of independence. Because I study, I live with my parents and they do everything for me. They work, buy food, they cook, even wash my clothes. Even after taking a shower, I don't wash my towels, I just drop them on the floor. If I need to go somewhere they need to drive me because I haven't learned that yet either. They are willing because of the hard studies and they care about me. They are smart and kind. I feel like if they disappeared I would not survive in this civilisation for one day. I feel because of the way I grew up, I cannot function alone by myself at all. I feel intense psychological pain handling more than one task in one day. I am pretty certain that I have autism, including Asperger syndrome. I did some progress over the years and maybe I can talk about this in detail later.
My main hobby for past 5 years is computer programming. I invested enormous amount of my free time in some big projects. I made videogame prototypes (a game similar to Minecraft), compilers and even a programming language of my own. I was very happy about some things I made but now I view them as "useless". Since I lie in a pit, I cannot finish any of my work or try to sell it. Even though I do have some long term ambitions if I recover. Like many kids I was dreaming of making some money independently, doing my own thing, escaping the pain of forced labor. So far my efforts are wasted because I am too scared of myself and I do not have the strength to continue.
Everything started breaking down after some bad rejections by several women in a row. I think I got rejected about 20 times in my life. Basically, the scenario is always the same. I find some woman that I find attractive. I approach her, show her a good personality, show her I'm interested, show her that I have some potential in work/love, and then wait for some reciprocity. Then she picks another guy and they live happily ever after (in reality they breakup after 3 years, but that's not my problem). I feel like if I had been given a chance at some point, it would have avoided most of issues related to confidence and restricted interest. I would have been able to invest my energy in someone and develop a sense of purpose around that.
Today, I keep spiraling between rage mode, crying and convulsing in my bed. Months ago, I thought I was so obsessed with sex that I decided to pay for hookers. With the first hooker, she was very hot but I couldn't get a hard on. I realised my penis had a serious phimosis problem during erection (not being able to pull back the skin more than half). I always knew I had this, and it doesn't prevent masturbation at all, but it makes me too stressed to do anything with a woman's body. I have a rather long erect penis (18 cm / 7 inch) which is supposed to be nice but also makes the problem worse.
I checked with the second hooker. Impossible to maintain an erection. At least I spent some time hugging and kissing but I was too sad to feel anything good. Then I never tried again. I realised what I wanted the most wasn't even sex, just the hugs and attention, which the hookers had no time for.
A week ago, I got a circumcision to fix the phimosis problem once for all. It was done perfectly by a skilled surgeon, but 10 minutes after surgery I developed an hematoma because of some internal bleeding. It turned my penis black/purple/red/yellow and doubled its diameter. The doctors are watching my hematoma carefully and saying I'm recovering, but as I'm writing this, I have to wait 3 weeks for my penis to become normal again. I am going insane, because for the first time in 7 years, I cannot masturbate.
At the same time, I'm doing a 6 months internship to finish to my Master degree. I don't receive a salary, but a small gratification which is the legal minimum here in France for an intern (500 euros/month). I don't care about the pay because I live with my parents. The internship is almost finished, and I have been completely unproductive. I don't know what I going to write 50 pages about, for my degree. The boss looks a bit angry/disappointed because he paid 3000 euros and didn't get all the crazy cheap programming that he dreamed of. But I don't even care. I didn't want to be a cheap slave anyway. Just like at home, I am now completely unable to function at work. I just pretend that I do something, and then go back home.
I am scared about the future because I don't know what I'm going to become. Can a man live/function without ever experiencing love? I don't see that it is actually physically possible for me to work my way out of this. Even if my problems are fixed, I feel scarred for life. I'm afraid that even if I start a relationship with some woman, the anxiety and everything I have lived will not go away. I talked about some of my problems with my dad but he doesn't relate to everything because he never got a depression. He just tells me to be strong and keep moving forward. But I feel that I lack the energy to do that. At least my parents understand the pain and take care of me.
Around people I'm perfectly capable of smiling and pretending everything is OK. But I'm dead inside.
Recently the distress is increasing. I've had some suicidal thoughts, but I don't think I'm allowed to discuss any methods here. I always want to keep on living because I feel I have some stuff to live for/experience, and it would be a ridiculous end to a vast amount of work, but some days I feel hopeless and I feel like it would save me some trouble to just end it here.