i hardly remember my pre-depressive self. broken and empty now, it feels like a rosy dream, something beyond reach. growing up, i have learnt only to stifle my unreasonable pain, hide it deeper inside, smile at the world like everything was alright, even though i was dying each day inside. i didn't realize the change until i found myself crying day in and out without any solid reason, until i found myself standing on my bed with a shawl in hand staring at the ceiling fan, until i was shivering in a panic attack on a sunny day. i realized i wasn't alright at all, that i had to keep struggling to get out of this dark pit. so i struggled on until now, but some days i feel so tired, so exhausted with this constant struggle that i simply want to put an end to it. but i can't, i am my parents' only support, so they are my reason to fight on.
but its not easy, if you are in the same spot as me, you will understand how tiring it is, on days when everything feels empty and hopeless. i realized my previous self wouldn't even recognize me now, because i am broken and heartless inside, exhausted by running in this infinite loop of pain without any way to get out.