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  1. I often feel I have to intentionally find methods to convince others I am still in pain. Hi everyone. I’ve been feeling more upset than usual lately. Years ago I had anorexia … then physically recovered. Years ago I had depression … well I still have depression. Many issues arose from those days, and many still linger today. I’ve shared some of my struggles in my previous posts. Some I haven’t. I’ve observed over time, the significance of my problems fade in others eyes. I describe the same issues over and over again … how they break me apart, how I truly feel I couldn’t continue life without solving them, how I believe I would fall deeper into the pit if they are being ignored … They don’t matter any more. Unfortunately, when others have been hearing the same problems from me repeatedly, it becomes normality. Perhaps at first they still believed me. Now it’s just another day of me whining. Just go to bed … wake up the next day and everything is fine. I am resilient. Despite many years of turbulence I am, for some unknown reason, still here. However, I believe others are beginning to take advantage of my resilience. The truth is I am very much in pain. The longer my struggles continue to exist the more agonising they are to bear with. It’s not easy to continue existing. I’m exhausted … every single day. I’ve exhausted myself trying to think of solutions. I’ve exhausted myself … alternating between change and falling further into the pit. I’ve exhausted myself … completing my responsibilities despite being in such a fragile state. Nowadays, I often find I need to use extreme means to demonstrate my pain. Speaking isn’t enough anymore. I sometimes cut myself just to show and scream on top of my lungs ‘Do you believe me now?!’ I sometimes slap myself so hard my cheeks will go red for hours … for show. I don’t want to do it. It’s not pretty to have scars on my arm. But no one believes me otherwise. I hate that look … when you talk about the most vulnerable aspects of yourself … and all people do is sit there with a smile on their faces … as though it’s so amusing. I suppose I’ve been so repetitive it’s become a joke. It has all become a game. And it's not supposed to be. Many have figured out my self harm is just a strategy to gain attention. I think they’ve gotten used to that as well...
  2. Hey people, I feel the need to elaborate on my first post because I'm feeling misunderstood (Please read my first post to understand the context). It seems a lot of focus has been put on me having huge 'Physical cravings' instead of me wanting to experience what it's like to be truly loved by a man. I have to make this clear: I want love. My 'Physical cravings' is a reaction / an outcome of desperately wanting love. I do like physical intimacy. But I will not entertain it if it's not developed on the basis of love. If the physical aspect was all I wanted I would've gone for a idk ... a one night stand. But I have never done so. If the physical aspect was all I wanted I wouldn't have stuck with my ex for so many years without leaving him and finding physical attention somewhere else. I feel people are commenting as though I'm about to just seek a quick fix and are warning me against it. I'm not. I described some of my behaviours and physical reactions in my first post simply because I want to show my desperation has reached an unbearable level. It is not to say I've acted on anything or want to attempt anything. This is why it's ten times harder for me because I've reached a point where ... I've been craving love from a man for so long ... It started with just emotions and now even my body is reminding me constantly ... But firstly, I'm not the type of girl who easily attracts men. I currently don't even have male friends let alone any potential partners. I'm not the girl who knows how to approach guys, even just for a casual conversation (And I've also mentioned in my first post I don't really want to be the one to take initiative anymore. I've explained why). Secondly, I can't do much about my desperation because a quick fix is not an option for me. It goes against my personal values. I'm sorry I just feel like I have to get this off my chest because I feel my post has been interpreted in a way I don't want it to be interpreted. I crave having a man i can share a deeper connection with. I really want to understand what being loved by a man feels because I've never been truly loved by the men in my past. I had a father who pretty much abused me and an ex I've known for 6 years who turns out never treated me as his girlfriend. The physical cravings is just ... let's say a side effect.
  3. Disclaimer: I'm going to try my best to be careful in this one. I have a lot of questions. This post will be unorganised and random … But I will be quite direct. I will apologise beforehand if this post reflects negatively on my character or unintentionally offends anyone. I know this for a fact: I dislike myself with a burning passion ... And I think it's perfectly fine. I never understood the concept of self-confidence. The term 'Self-confidence' is thrown around casually in our daily lives. It is a quality society believes is ideal to have in a person. It is almost expected of us. 'You should be confident in yourself.' / 'You need to learn how to love yourself before loving others.' etc. Frankly, I don't react well to people who make these statements lightly. Can anyone on Earth truly define ‘Confidence’? I surely can’t. I do not believe anyone is TRULY self-confident. I do believe people are capable of pretending they are confident. Humans are hypocrites. We try to present a better version of ourselves in public to mask our internal weaknesses … Sometimes, the world is too simplistic. The idea of self-confidence is one of those under developed theories. If you exhibit certain behaviours (E.g. Walking into a room with your head held high; Rocking an outfit in a club; Extroverted; Sociable etc.), you are what people recognise as being confident. If you exhibit the opposite (E.g. Introverted; Standing in the corner alone in social events etc.), you are categorised as not being confident… Where is the line between being confident and being egotistical? Where is the line between being confident and being delusional? For example, if I think I’m attractive, but nobody ever compliments my appearance, should I still believe I’m attractive? If I claim I’m intelligent, but I don’t have the adequate academic results to support my claim, am I intelligent? At what point are you truly qualified to be confident? And at what point are you just lying to yourself? Alright. Assuming you have the evidence to back yourself up … I observe sometimes when people refuse to show off their talents and want to be shy and humble about it, others will say ‘Come on, you should be more confident in yourself.’ Must I brag about my strengths in order to be recognised as being confident? Alright. You are confident in yourself. You have even proven to others you are confident and good at what you do. Where is the turning point between being confident and being arrogant? At what point is a person so confident others have to remind him okay, maybe take it down a notch. I think the reason why the concept of ‘self-confidence’ is so difficult for me is partially due to my upbringing. I don't want to directly state my race ... But you see, we have a very traditional and tough education system (I was still studying in my home country in secondary school. I moved to the UK for university afterwards). It is very competitive. Exams determine your fate. Your tangible achievements (E.g. Certificates / Scholarships) reflect a lot about you. Our style of learning … We are not used to receiving praise or being told to think about our strengths. We learn through recognising weaknesses and improve. Because there is no such thing as good enough. You can always be better. It’s just a matter of whether you want to face it or you want to deny it. If you think you’re already good enough … think again. My secondary school was (And still is) the top ranked secondary school in my entire city. There are many amazing people in there … Insanely intelligent people who get full marks in everything all the time … People who belong to the top richest families in the city … People whose parents are famous actresses / actors (And then they go on to inherit their legacy and become models … doing commercials) etc. You name it. The best of the best. In fact, we have the quantitative evidence to prove it. Academically we are number one. We continuously performed best in the public secondary diploma exams compared to other schools. I should use ‘They’ instead of ‘We’ because I’m not part of the success. I’m just an ordinary girl. Miraculously I got into that school but I performed the worst in my class. I had average results … which comparatively isn’t good when you’re in the middle of a bunch of extraordinary people. I didn’t excel in anything else either … Anyways, my point is: I’ve always looked up towards the people above me in the hierarchy. And that is how I’ve always lived my life. I always look up at them, point out the things they have that I want, then go on to evaluate how terrible I am. If I have the energy (Which I normally don’t), I’ll try and position myself higher in the hierarchy. Because that’s overall how life should be. A line going upwards (Sure you may have downfalls along the way, but overall an upwards trend). You should always be thinking of how to be better. You shouldn’t think that you are already good enough. That type of thinking can prevent you from going upwards … My mother is a Christian. She’s the type of person who is always ‘content’. She looks at the people who are below us in the hierarchy (E.g. A hungry child in Africa) and thinks to herself ‘I’m so lucky to be where I am now.’ I HAVE TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR: I do sympathise for the people who aren’t as fortunate as me. I am still grateful for everything I have. However, I don’t see the point of constantly looking at the people downwards in the hierarchy. I do feel sorry for them, but I’m not trying to be in their position. I am trying improve, to look upwards (At this point I’m probably coming across as an ungrateful brat). I don’t see the problem in that. I want to be better, not worse. And it’s important to look towards the people who are better than you and take a reference. I dislike myself with a burning passion. I am introverted, unsociable, ugly, untalented, emotionally complicated etc. These weaknesses prevent me from achieving many things I want in life (Having a relationship ... Good academic results ... Being unique and talented ... Being admired for something etc.) It saddens me that these things can’t simply be changed. I can’t magically transform my personality. I can dress well and pretend I’m pretty but still no one every compliments me. I am not confident. And that’s just how it is. I won’t lie to you and say I am. Maybe if I am competent one day, I’ll take these weaknesses and improve and climb upwards in the hierarchy. But so far I’ve been incompetent. To the people who think they are confident: Can you justify it? What makes you think you’re good at whatever you believe you are good at? Aren’t there many people in the world who are probably better than you? How is recognising your strengths useful? How do you even know it is your strength ... I’m not trying to attack anyone. I just don’t understand a lot of things …
  4. Hey. Me again 🙂. Where do I even begin with this one? Overall ... I am a person with many problem categories. Sometimes I believe ... me, as an entire being ... it would be nice if I could reset a lot of things ... reconstruct a lot of things. I am currently 19 years old. I just finished my second year in uni. Entering my final year next semester. Which means it's about time I should start thinking: What's next? My mother of course, like any typical mother, told me to get a job. She's been urging me to get a job for quite a while now. Ever since I completed secondary school she has been reminding me to do internships, summer jobs etc. First I must admit, I am quite fortunate in a sense my family can still support me through university abroad without requiring myself to generate income. Of course after I graduate my divorced father would stop supporting me financially therefore things won't be the same. But for now, I am quite lucky it's still not a must for me to get a job in addition to studying. Here's the thing: I never got a job despite my mother's constant pushing. I am actually terrified of getting a job. It's part of a larger issue where I am just terrified of adulthood, and growing up in general. I remember I cried vigorously on my 18th birthday (Official, legal adult age). I didn't enjoy it at all. I will try and explain but it's going be quite chunky and less cohesive. I've mentioned in my previous posts that I've had anorexia before, and still struggle with depression / anxiety to this day. For a good few years of my childhood I've had many traumatising experiences, which completely moulded my current personality and perspective towards the world. Things were somewhat better when I recovered from anorexia. I continued to do what I was supposed to do which is going to uni. Just on the surface though. Internally I am still broken, or perhaps even more broken than I was before. You see there's always been a part of me ... a guilt ... that truly wish I could rewrite my childhood ... to change those few years I've lost to anorexia, depression ... and those many traumatising experiences etc. I wish I still had time to relive a good childhood again. But by the time those difficulties somewhat stabilised, I already legally reached adulthood. Once you're an adult people around you start to have certain expectations. Something that really bothers me, is my family assumes everything is smooth sailing after I physically recovered from anorexia. It's like you're all good now. The problems you still have can just be ignored because they're not going to **** you. I only visit my family members maybe twice a year because I'm studying overseas (Christmas and summer vacation). Even then all they care about is my academics and future career. For example, 'Are you getting a job this summer?' 'I have a few internships here take a look.' or 'Remember to treat me to dinner when you get your first pay cheque.' I'm sure they're just being casual. But it does bother me. Sometimes I wish they would just ask, 'How are you?' Overall I just can't talk about how I truly feel. I went to a family gathering once with cuts on my forearm and still no one noticed a thing ... I always imagine what my childhood would be like if I never had anorexia or depression. I always think to myself ... I could've done so much more with my life, accomplish more incredible things ... Perhaps I wouldn't be so problematic and would have been more loved ... if I hadn't wasted those years breaking down and ruining my family, ruining my relationships ... and most of all ruining myself. When I turned 18, it really hit me and occurred to me ... that's it. This is the end of your childhood. You can't change it anymore. You no longer have time, even just a few months, to live a happy and fruitful childhood again ... And I really struggle to accept this. I can very much say I don't want to accept it. Some people may say oh you're 19. You're still very young. You still have so much time ahead of you. For me I don't see it that way. I feel like I've already lost my 'golden age'. When you're a child, the capacity to change is huge. There are many things people start learning as a young child. There are many talented people who started developing their skills at a young age. Of course I can't jump to conclusions and say that's the case for everyone. But still it's valid. Just a random example, ballerinas usually start training at a young age. I personally believe the older you get, the window of opportunity gets smaller and the capacity to change decreases ... And there are many things I sure wish I could change .... Perhaps I could've use those anorexic and depressing years to groom myself to become a more talented person. I view getting a job as the official symbol of reaching adulthood. Hence I always avoid getting one because I still want to hang on to my childhood ... My mother sometimes tells me, that's just how it is for people my age. You graduate from uni and then you get a job and you support yourself and your future family for the rest of your life. That's it. Everyone's like this. What else do you expect? I hate to admit she's right. But at the same time it's so depressing to think my life is set to be like this once I became an adult. I still have many emotional issues. I have so many problem categories even years of changing therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists didn't manage to get me anywhere. Physically I struggle too. My concentration span is very weak. For a period of time I was on ADHD meds to help me get through academic work uni. I was skipping too many lectures or just couldn't get my brain to function for assignments. Imagining adding financial responsibilities on top of all that ... imagining full time work from 9a.m. to 5p.m. (I can't even fully get through a 3 hour lecture) ... I feel like I would explode. Quite honestly I don't even know what I want to be. I'm a business management student. It's like one of those very widely applicable subjects I didn't really particularly like but I chose it simply because it's practical. Another thing: Some people really look forward to becoming an adult because they can be independent and have more freedom. But for me, freedom is a scary thing when you don't know what to do with it. Is it just me or does anyone feel burdened by independence ... I keep thinking oh I actually make my own choices now and I have to accept the consequences of those choices ... I'm the one who navigates where my life goes but I don't know what to do with my life and I'm still sitting here wondering and wasting time (I hate wasting time I already think I wasted years of my childhood). My mother tells me just do whatever job is available after graduation. But I don't want to waste any more time doing things I don't value. Independence is a scary thing. I'm a pretty lonely person. I have at most 2 friends who know very little of my emotions and complicated past. I have a mother who is one of those christian mothers who simply say 'I'll pray for you' when you talk about your problems. I don't know why I view independence and loneliness as the same thing ... I feel like the more independent I get the lonelier I will get and the less people would care about me... I wish I could depend on someone .... to be protected .... like a child. I know this post is getting very messy. I know I have to get a job someday. I know it's going to happen no matter what. I just wish it weren't so soon ...
  5. Hey people 🙂. This is a shorter one. Just a random description of my recent questionable behaviours. I know some countries are still in lockdown. Some are starting to ease restrictions. For me, I've been in lockdown in England since the end of March or beginning of April (That's kind of around the time when the lockdown first started. If you're from the UK you know what i mean). Now the restrictions are pretty much lifted ... But anyways I'm not in the UK anymore. I flew back to my home country at the end of June for summer holidays. Daily life is going regularly here at home. Just a few restrictions such as no gyms, restaurant curfews etc. I had mixed feelings during the lockdown. My loneliness peaked surely (My 2 housemates and I rented a house near Uni. They both flew back to their home countries before the UK lockdown in April). April, May and most of June I was alone in the house with pretty much no one to talk to or be there for me if anything happens. Simultaneously, I felt relaxed. I can do whatever I want whenever I want in the house without worrying about what anybody thinks ... After I flew back home ... I feel very overwhelmed. I've had depression and anxiety for quite a few years and being out in public is one of those very difficult and exhausting tasks. Sometimes it's just the typical things you know, for instance I am very wary of how I present myself in front of others (Appearance and personality) ... I constantly think people are looking at me or judging me even though they probably don't care about my existence etc. After approximately 3 months of not seeing anybody (I only maybe see a few people once a week for groceries shopping in England during the lockdown)... and now suddenly seeing that many people outside every single day ...The transition is just very drastic. I'm on edge all the time. I suddenly have to talk to people again or I have to do my makeup to go out again. It shows on my face ... I frown. Sometimes, my behaviours are just ridiculous ... like this: Today I went to the bank. I had to reset some of my details so I went to the nearest branch just within walking distance (Like 5 minutes). The guy who worked there asked me for my ID and I realised I forgot to bring it. I told him I forgot and I could just go home to get it since I live close by. And then there was this awkward silence he said okay and I'm like okay. On the way back to get my ID all of a sudden I felt this huge rush of embarrassment and I just started tearing up. I never went back to the bank because I starting crying when I got home ... Like what even is wrong with me? It's not even that big of a deal I just need to get my ID and walk back there but it's just that thing where even the tiniest bit of awkwardness or embarrassment makes me panic and want to hide from the world ... Social anxiety isn't new for me but overreacting to little things like this? I think I forgot how to co-exist with the world anymore since the lockdown.
  6. Hey. I'm Marishka. I'm new here 🙂. First of all, I would like to say I'm sure there are many out there with more significant issues. Therefore, I want to thank anyone who even bothers to listen to my TED talk 😅. It's going to be quite a mouthful. I've hurt quite a few people in the past because I talk too much about my problems. Nowadays I tend to keep things to myself. I'm very nervous believe me. It's been a while since I was capable of writing anything. So I'll apologise beforehand for my random cluster of words. A bit of background info. I'm currently an international uni student. Since 2015 I've struggled with quite a few issues. I first had anorexia. Depression came along with it eventually. Caused a lot of issues with my family and my 'boyfriend' at the time (I'll explain why i quoted the term 'boyfriend' later). Parents divorced. I now live with my mother when I fly back to my home country. Don't really see my father ... maybe once during summer holiday and once during Christmas? I still take anti-depressants. I've never really had a good relationship with the men in my life. Throughout my life, my father and I were never close. We may play video games once in a while. At most I might go cycling with him (That seldom happens ... but it does). We were never the father daughter duo who talked about how we were feeling or even started a casual conversation. He usually just minds his own business and stares at the computer all day. My mother and father ... they get by you know. Not a very loving couple but nothing bad necessarily happened. Not until I had anorexia and depression. Then everything turned upside down. I have to admit my emotions were very difficult to handle at the time. I was anxious about a lot of things ... unhappy about a lot of things ... weight, academics (I went to a top secondary school where everyone is basically good at everything) etc. Constantly had breakdowns for hours nonstop. It truly tarnished my family. My father, in particular, his actions traumatised me. Sometimes, he would call the police to take me to hospital because I couldn't stop crying or refuse to take my medication. Sometimes, he would take out his phone and threaten to film my breakdown and post it on the internet if I don't stop crying and yelling. Sometimes, he would kick me out of the apartment so the neighbours can hear my cry. I live in an apartment in a high-rise building. Each floor has a backdoor that leads to the fire staircase. I usually sat there ... next to the garbage bins ... and wait until my parents let me back in the house. Usually it takes up to 4 hours before that happens. Worst of all, he tried to force me down physically to shove my anti-depressants in my mouth. Most of the time his hands failed to grab my mouth and move slightly downwards to grasp my throat, so he ends up choking me. I'm not saying I'm innocent. I did throw things and hit my parents when I feel like it's the only way I can win. I'm guilty too. Eventually my parents divorced. Never talked to my father regularly ... even now. I avoid seeing him whenever possible. Unless it's a huge family gathering and it's one of those cases where I have to show up. My ex-boyfriend. I thought he was the only person who wouldn't leave me. I knew him for 6 years. It's one of those friendships that gradually turned into a relationship. We were soulmates. He knew everything about me. Every single thought, every single feeling. I thought I was truly loved ... stressing on the words 'I thought'. Emotionally, we communicated very well. We knew everything about each other and yes we were sweet with each other. However, there were things I've noticed that made me very annoyed at the time. For example, he was reluctant to do anything physical. No holding hands. No hugging. No kissing. For a good amount of time he wouldn't even acknowledge me as his official girlfriend because we were at a childish age where everyone was gossiping 'Ohhh, this person likes that person!' He would never tell me I'm beautiful, unless I get upset to a point where he feels he absolutely has to. I remember this very clearly: We went on a date once ... movies ... I asked him whether he thought I looked good today ... to which he replied, 'I don't think any girl in this world is ugly. I think girls are divided into two categories: Average and very pretty. You are average.' But then he still said he loves me. Well ... he said it often in the beginning .... slowly he didn't say it as much anymore. He still calls me his queen. I suppose that isn't a term to describe a girl if she was just a normal friend, right? When I was anorexic and depressed I did torment him quite a bit. I was in a lot of distress and I have a tendency to just explode all of my thoughts and anger onto him. I thought I was just expressing my feelings. Maybe just way too much ... For 2 years he went overseas to study so we were in a long distance relationship. I stayed loyal to him. Emotionally, we still text everyday, chat everyday, send sweet things to each other. I only get to see him once in approximately half a year. Even then I might at most get one goodbye hug and that's it whenever I do get to see him. You see, I'm a very affectionate and passionate person. And I admit I do love physical intimacy. So I had huge cravings if you know what I mean. But I don't seem to get anything out of him, no matter how hard I try to 'seduce' him let's say. This was also the cause of many of our arguments. The night he dumped me ... it was very sudden ... so sudden I had so many things to say I no longer know what to say. It was another one of those argument days ... craving days. I didn't know what I was thinking at the time. Even rethinking it now I can't explain why I did what I did. We had a big argument. Afterwards, I tried to make him happy by sending him a ****. It was one of those seduction tactics that i've never used before and I still don't know why I was so stupid to do so. He reacted in shock (Negatively). Said his heart was beating way too fast. Sounded like he was having a panic attack almost. He told his older sister and mother (Whom I've never met before). They both were so angry at me. His sister sent a strongly worded, long text to me telling me to get my mental health checked and gave me a suicide prevention number. His mother texted my mother (My mother came storming into my room after she found out), telling my mother to get me a psychiatrist (Even suggested the name of a psychiatrist) immediately, and that she'll pray for me. This drove me mad. I reacted ... the craziest I've ever reacted. And then he's gone. Never to be seen again. I didn't even get to see his face one last time. The last thing he said was the only reason why he was nice to me all along was he wanted to cheer me up when i had anorexia and depression. That's it. He never saw me as his girlfriend. I'm not a whore. I swear. Throughout the 6 years with him I've never even become close to any other guy. Not even as friends. I grew up in a rather conservative country. I take relationships seriously you know? Like if a guy tells me to jump into bed in just a few months it would scare me to death okay? Now, I'm doing my things you know. Studying ... exercising ... trying to have a regular and progressive life in a foreign country. I still have a lot of difficulties though ... One of them being my intense craving for a new boyfriend. And it's getting, very unbearable. Never had a boyfriend since my ex. Had a brief flirtation in uni for about a month but nothing progressed from that. I crave male attention ... all the time. To a point it swallows me whole and takes up every thought in my mind. I don't act on it ever. I still have zero male friends at the moment and absolutely zero potential boyfriends. I'm not the type of girl who attracts men easily anyways. I'm not the girl who goes around and gets a quick fix. Everyday, the tiniest observations can make me burst into tears. Whenever I see a random couple on the street I would get so jealous ... Even if a random guy holds the door for me or lets me get on the bus first I am already so very very happy. It's like wow a guy actually noticed my existence today ... You know that heart ache ... you actually feel it clench. Sometimes in bed at night I would just think about men, and then I cry, and my body shivers. It's like an internal shivering that almost makes you go numb and doesn't go away by just wrapping a blanket. Sometimes I wear revealing clothes to go out and my mother would ask me if I'm afraid some creepy guy is gonna look at me. I said no. Let them look. I don't care. I don't dare to say it but it's almost as if I'm looking forward to that attention, as if I don't care if it's creepy or not creepy anymore. I just want it no matter the potential dangerous consequences. I don't even know if I'm realistically ready to have a relationship. I'm just by default not attractive you know like guys don't like desperate women or i've been told some guys don't like girls who are inexperienced or guys don't like girls who are too complicated etc. I don't even know how to talk to guys ... I can't even maintain eye contact. I'm way too shy. I'm way too introvert. The social anxiety doesn't help you know ... Plus I have this thing where I really want to know what it feels like to be wanted by a man. Most people ask me so why don't you just go find a boyfriend or start a conversation with a guy? Because i really want the man to approach me first. That way it makes me feel i'm wanted you know. I was the first to confess my feelings to my ex boyfriend, and I continuously took the initiative to keep trying and trying and trying to get something going and telling him that I want him and not having much in return. Honestly, I'm so tired. Nowadays if i approach a guy first it just makes me feel terrible. Like i'm just desperate and he doesn't want you anyway and i'm probably gonna hurt him eventually. It just doesn't feel good to take initiative anymore ... I wish I knew what it's like to be loved by a man. I literally have no male figure in my life. It's been about 2 years since my ex left? but it feels forever since he never really loved me as his girlfriend anyways. Yeah, so i'm still waiting i guess.
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