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hopeful4me

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Posts posted by hopeful4me


  1. On 9/23/2020 at 9:10 AM, CamiMoo said:

    Let them be and make peace with yourself. 

    Interesting response. I read your replies on other topics and they seem much more compassionate. 

    Now, thanks to the helpful remarks from the other people who commented, I've already made peace with what happened (not with myself because I did nothing that needs to be made peace with) but I am curious about one thing...why the cold and callous remark only on my post?


  2. 5 hours ago, Tymothi said:

     I was in Vietnam right before the pandemic, with no intention of leaving, and I absolutely loved [almost] every minute of the month I was there. But then the virus came out, and it came out fast, and I could see what was about to happen, and I made the difficult decision to fly back and be with my family in case it was the end of the world - and of course, now I'll never be able to return.

     

    Oh no! Why can't you go back? Would you be able to go to a different country?

    Everything you said about moving overseas is 100% my experience as well. It is so liberating to be free of stagnant viewpoints and these set expectation of what you are allowed to be. Moving to a new country means you are free to explore who you are. At the same time, the lack of a support network can be soul crushing and unfortunately it takes years to build one.

    For me, I've been in Italy for 6 years and I am only just realizing that I may actually have some friends. I opened up about the person who blocked me to one friend after she opened up similar treatment she is receiving from people and, like me, she has no idea what she did to cause them to treat her that way. I was actually shocked and happy by the number of people here who checked on me during the pandemic. It showed that I may have more friends than I am aware of. My biggest hurdle has always been that I can't find the time to see these people physically because I have to take care of my young children and I do not have anyone close by who I can rely on to watch my children in order for me to see my friends. Things were looking up before the pandemic started but now things are back to "normal." 

    I am hoping that things get better once the children go back to school in September. Here the numbers are low enough that the experts consider it safe to open schools, but everyone is going to keep a close eye on the numbers in case there is a second wave. Maybe it will help to be able to meet up with friends in person again.


  3. Hi!

    I had the same problem. It was always so easy for me to get angry and end up arguing with people (strangers) on social media. It took a long time for me to figure out how to stop. Many of these steps are just repeating what has already been said so I apologize for that.

    1. Recognize when someone is purposefully trying to upset you. These are trolls. They may not even believe what they are writing. They just want to make people angry and they don't have to suffer any repercussions for what they write on the internet the same way they would if they said the same things in person.
    2. If you are on Youtube, try not to scroll down and read the comments. Sometimes when I am on a political video, I actively repeat in my head "don't read the comments. don't read the comments." because I know that there will be at least one comment that will upset me.
    3. If you are on Facebook, you can actually unfollow a post. So, if you feel compelled to reply, make your one reply and then immediately unfollow the post.
    4. If you are on Instagram, you can restrict a specific user. On your smartphone, go into your notifications. Press and hold one of the notifications by a user that is upsetting you. Click "restrict (username)." I actually had to do this once last week with someone who was caught trying to pretend they were a nationality that they weren't just to trash a tv show based in that country, but the user made a ridiculous mistake that exposed them for the liar they were. Instead of just taking the L, they doubled down and started lying the save face. Once that user outright started lying, I restricted them. Instagram hasn't notified me of any of their responses since and I haven't got looking. 
    5. Trying taking a breather before replying. I mean, put down your phone or walk away from your computer and try not to come back to it for 10 minutes. You may find that you are not as upset once you come back.
    6. Try finding a hobby that requires a lot of physical exertion. I joined a dance studio and it really helps. I can put all of my anger into each dance move. Now I play Just Dance because of the pandemic. 
    7. If all else fails. You can tell your browser to block certain sites. I used to do this when I was doing my masters and would find myself on Facebook instead of finishing up whatever assignment I needed to do. I am using Chrome so I had to download a free extension in order to do it.

    I hope this helps. Hugs. I know it's hard but you can get through this. We are all here for you.

        


  4. On 7/20/2020 at 4:47 AM, Tymothi said:

    I'm encouraged by your efforts to redefine yourself in a new place. Everything is different - the climate, the food, the etiquette, everything. And the part of us that enjoys disconnecting from the old place revels in its newness, and the chances we have to set the world up the way we wish it as adults (a great therapy we never experience as children, except in our imaginations). And with no shadows following you, no debts to take care of or obligations on our heels, it's incredibly freeing.

    It makes me so happy to hear that I could encourage someone. I would say to anyone that if you can find a job overseas then go! Forget your debt. Most bills can be paid online nowadays anyway. That is what I did  up until this pandemic. I moved first and then paid off my debts one by one. I am down to one credit card but I will keep it to keep my credit score high in case I ever move back. 

    If anyone doesn't know, your credit score will tank if you don't have any activity for an extended period of time. I learned that the hard way when I return to the states from asia. I basically had to rebuild my credit from scratch. The sole credit card I have now doesn't have any fees for using it overseas. Those can add up quickly. 

    If anyone wants advice on moving overseas, I am here. I am more than willing to give advice.

     

    Tymothi, you are also right about this person who blocked me made it even easier to leave my past behind. It was a blessing in diguise. This person was toxic and I didn't know it. They outed themselves for me.


  5. 18 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

    When I started liking myself, approving of myself, thinking highly of myself--I did not need the validation of anybody else.

    Hey, this took me years!  Because I use to live by everybody else's approval or rejection--this just aggravated my depression.

    You're seeking outside approval, which will keep you down.  Upset.

    You have a husband, baby, I hope some family and some good friends.  You may never get an answer on why you've been rejected, do you want to spend your life wondering why,  when they probably aren't thinking of you.  Hey, sounds harsh, but this was told to me and I still didn't get it.

    You sound sensitive and I love that--this world needs sensitive people.  But sensitive people wear their hearts on their sleeves and we, you, always get hurt.  And that hurt lingers.

    The best revenge is to be happy.  I don't know if you're near maybe a therapist to help boost your self-esteem.  I speak to mine every week.  And yes, swim, read, write, puzzles, play with your baby, spend time one on one with the hubby when the baby naps.  And speak with us, reach out to healthy friends!  They won't just block you and not tell you why.  Real friends act like real friends.  

    Stay lovely, and I wish you the best!  And sending virtual hugs!  🙂

    Thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to reply. 

    You're are absolutely right. I am a sensitive person. I struggle with social media because of it. It is so easy to misread intentions when you are reading words on a screen and there are no facial or tonal cues to help decode the speaker's true intentions. It's one of the reasons why I deleted everything except Instagram in the first place. I was worried about what my life would be like without Facebook because I spent so much of time on the platform but I actually feel a lot better without it. 

    The one thing I want to correct is that my issue is not so much that I needed this person's approval. It's that the rejection seems to imply that this person hates me for some reason. I know hate is a strong word but blocking someone is a strong action. They could have just removed me from their list of followers but instead they chose the most drastic option as their first choice. If this rejection was based on some sort of misunderstanding, I would have loved to have cleared it up. If it was based on something I did indeed do, I would have loved to apologize. Anyway, the initial shock has worn off and now I am starting to move on and you are right, the best revenge is to be happy.

    BTW, Tymothie might be right. It could be that I didn't do anything wrong at all and that maybe my life seems better than it is on Instagram and they don't want to see it. Maybe they don't like people who post pictures of food all the time. Maybe they don't like kids. Who knows?

    I don't have a therapist right now. For now, I don't think I need one. It may be enough to come here and chat with everyone because my bouts with depression are few and far between (but when they are bad, they are really bad). However, I am not against looking into one.

    Thank you again for replying. It really meant a lot to me. I'm returning your virtual hugs. Dealing with this with people really helped me to process my thoughts and kept me from spiraling. 


  6. 7 hours ago, Tymothi said:

    It's important to self-validate more than anything. Remind yourself of what you do have. For one thing, you withstood years of bullying and unfair treatment; go ahead and be proud of the strength it took to do that. Besides, for all you know, those people are toxic and the universe is trying to guide you away from them so that they don't infect the family you've worked so hard to raise and care for so sincerely. It's okay to let them go. Remember, you started a new life in a new place for a reason - make it yours! Go to a Spanish beach instead. Or Ha Long Bay, or Hokkaido, or Cape Town, or the Ecuadorian coast, or Perth, or wherever it is that you are now. Even with lockdown, the world is a gigantic place. 🙂

    Thank you again for your encouragement. I didn't think of reminding myself of the good things in my life. Sometimes I get lost in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and I end up in a very dark place.

    The universe guided me out of their clutches once before and my life is so much better for it. I guess it could be making sure that I stay out of their clutches. 😉 I know probably shouldn't need external permission to let them go, but I did need it. I think I needed to hear that I wasn't overreacting. So many times when someone asks why they were blocked on social media, all the answers are "because you probably did something wrong" so it was ******* me that I couldn't think of anything especially in light of the fact that I haven't even seen this person (in person or online) in so long. Thank you again.

    Going to the beach sounds fun. However, since I can't go now, I will settle for a family day at the local pool. It's mostly for my husband because he uses swimming as a way to release stress, but I guess I can too. 


  7. 6 hours ago, Tymothi said:

    Hello hopeful4me,

    What would you tell someone in your position who comes looking to you for advice? Chances are your first response is a good one to follow, yourself. You obviously have honed instincts to be able to do what you've done. Stay strong and remember to breathe slowly.

    Wow, I can multiquote! What a great feature! Thank you for the warm welcome. Also, that is wonderful advice. I actually never thought about that before. I think I will do that by writing in my journal. I will write a letter of advice to myself as if it was a good friend of mine.

     

    9 hours ago, sober4life said:

    I would love to move to a place where nobody had any expectations of me.  I've been bullied, neglected and abused most of my life.  All the people in my life right now are toxic to me to some degree.  The people around me are ruining me and draining me of what little is left of me.  I feel stuck in my situation that I want absolutely no part of anymore.

    Hey!

    I am so sorry to hear that. By the time I graduated from university i could say that exact same statement. It is a horrible feeling that I don't think we will ever fully get over, but we can move past it. A drastic change of scenery worked for me, but as Tymothi said, it comes with this sense of alienation that will linger until you meet a core group of friends. There are steps you can take to combat it, it just takes time.

    I write this only because, even though I don't know you, I would love to help you if you are interested. Just let me know. 🙂


  8. 8 hours ago, Epictetus said:

    Hi hopefulf4me and welcome to the Forums,

    I am so very sorry for the ordeals you have suffered and are still suffering.  You have been burdened with so many heavy difficulties.  I am not sure I could handle what you are going through with as much courage as you have shown.  It is just heartbreaking what situations you must cope with on a daily basis.  I hope these Forums will prove to be a warm, friendly and welcoming refuge for you from the unhappy circumstances you face. 

    I have also found living overseas to be helpful to me.  It is interesting how that works. 

    In any case, I want to wish you only the best here on the Forums and in your life.  I sure hope things get better for you and soon!

    Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been searching for a place to openly talk about my depression for years and then one day I saw that someone recommended this forum on Quora. I wish I felt as couragous as I must seem. I am working on it. I realize now that depression is not something that will go away once I fix that one thing, but is something that I will constantly have to work on. I am so very happy to have found these forums. Thank you to whoever created them and thank you to all of the admins. 


  9. Hi,

    I am new here and wasn't sure where to post this. This post is about a friendship. I hope this is the right place. I sincerely apologize if it is not. Here it goes.

    (BTW, I am sorry for the super long post. I just wanted to include enough information to give everyone an idea of the entire situation.)

    I’ve struggled with depression, self-worth, and thoughts of suicide since I was a young child. It began when mother took me back after initially giving me to my grandparents to be raised.

    This is not what the post is about, but I think that knowing that I have suffered from these thoughts my entire life while reading what I am about to write. I have been feeling really down recently after discovering that someone who I haven’t spoken to in years, but who I thought I had a positive relationship with has blocked me on Instagram (my sole social media account) in response to me following them (they have a public account so follow requests are automatically approved). I have two Instagram accounts, one personal one and one for my hobby. This person blocked both of them. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and spit on just for saying hello to someone.

    So here is the background on the relationship with me and this person. Me and this person started at the same university in the same year. We joined two different clubs that happened to be sister clubs. These clubs shared an office and so, even though we were in different clubs, we saw each other often. We were also both part of a dance club so we saw each other there as well. We had different majors so our interactions were limited to these two clubs. We were never friends but we always had positive interactions with each other. Every conversation was pleasant.

    During my junior year, I decided to run for treasurer of the club that I was a member of. I won. The other members of the board (president, vice-president, etc.) did not like this. They had nominated a specific person and didn’t expect any challengers. They retaliated by bullying me out of the club. It started with them not giving me the key to the office. Then there was the white board with the phone numbers of all of the board members. First, my number was never added to the board, so I put it up there. Someone erased it. I wrote it back, someone erased it again. This continued until I pestered the president so much that they wrote in bold letters on the board that anyone who touched it would be kicked out. I couldn’t help but notice that I had to pester the president to the point to annoyance just to get them to act. Two of the members of the board were former treasurers themselves but neither of them offered to teach me how to do the job. I had to pester the president again to the point of annoyance just to get a 2-minute, speed talked lesson. Neither of them were available if I had any questions. Then there were incidents that were out of anyone’s control but worked in their favor. For example, clubs on campus are given budgets and, in order to pay for anything, they must fill out paperwork requesting the university pays for something. The treasurer’s no.1 job is to fill out and submit this paperwork correctly and on time. Late paperwork is fined a percentage of the amount requested. The club I was a part of had the largest budget on campus and so any late paperwork would carry a hefty fine. During my run as treasurer, the club suddenly began getting fined for every piece of paperwork submitted for a week. I think it was 3 in a row. The following week the president and treasurer of every club was called to an assembly with the student government organization. There we were told that the SGO had changed the due date for paperwork without informing anyone and we got a half-hearted apology. A few days later, the president came to me and informed me that I would no longer be allowed to fill out and submit paperwork because of the late fines.

    Yes, they did this after the SGO clearly explained that the fines were the result of a rule-change and not the fault of the treasurer and that every club suffered multiple fines.

    There was even one time when the person who I had defeated for the treasurer position tried to slap me. I was standing somewhere and that person was near me but I was paying attention to what I was doing when all of a sudden, I saw a blur near by face. I instinctively grabbed the blur and then inspected it to see what it was. It was a human hand, then I looked to see who was attached to the hand and found that person with an equally shocked expression on their face. So, I let go, that person mumbled “nice reflexes” and walked away. In the moment, I thought that person was trying to jokingly test my reflexes, but later I realized that, at the speed the hand was travelling, I would have been knocked unconscious had I not caught the hand. This is not a comprehensive list of everything that happened but I hope you have a clear idea of the constant bullying I experienced during this time.

    In addition to this, I was not getting along with my roommate and I had made friends with the wrong crowd. These three things combined proved too stressful for me and my grades began to slip. I decided to leave campus and move back in with my parents. It meant a 3-hour commute by bus to and from school, but I felt it was worth a try. The other board members used this opportunity to pounce. They decided to give me an ulterior motive. Either I leave my post willingly or they would impeach me. After I laughed off their threat and informed them that they would lose, they changed tactics and suggested that leaving may help me improve my grades. I actually agreed with this and so I left the position and left the club altogether. I was very upset because, while these people have made me feel unwelcome ever since I joined the club, I had hoped that being a nice person and also showing how dedicated I was to the club would help them warm to me. This experienced showed me that this would never happen. This all happened in 2003. Even though what happened was awful, I see the experience as something that was necessary for my person growth.

    To be honest, my life improved dramatically after leaving the club. I focused my time on a different group of friends who I knew liked and accepted me. My grades improved and I even made deans list a semester or 2. My grades actually improved enough for me to get into graduate school many years later. I learned that there are some people in life who are never going to see your worth and that is ok. The best thing to do is focus your energy on the people who already love you. I also learned how to walk away from toxic situations and toxic people before things get out of hand.

    I just want to mention here that the person in question was not directly a member of the club that was bullying me and that we continued to have pleasant conversations even while the bullying was going on. However, this person was (and still is) friends with the people who bullied me.

    So then comes social media. I was living overseas when Facebook took off in popularity. I resisted joining it for a while but eventually my coworkers convinced me to join. I began finding old friend from high school and university and decided to stay. The person in question never joined Facebook (still hasn’t to this day I hear) and so, I was never able to reconnect with them.

    The only people from either of the sister clubs that I ever reconnected with were the ones that had graduated before the bullying happened. We reconnected on Facebook and stayed in contact ever since. It wasn’t constant contact, but just a “hi” every now and again. I was still living overseas so it wasn’t like we could just meet up for a cup of coffee.

    So fast forward to 2016, I am married to a non-American and am visiting my parents with my husband and newborn. The entire family decides to go on vacation in Florida. I happen to know one of the people from the sister club was recently hired at their dream company in Florida so I contact them to meet up. I know that the person in question also works at this same company (I heard through friends), but I have no way to contact that person. Anyway, I meet up with the person I could contact. We introduce each other’s spouses and we chat for a bit. That is about it. I went back overseas at the end of the trip and, though I have visited the states once more since then, I haven’t been back to Florida since.

    So now on to a couple of week ago. I live in a country that went into lockdown pretty early in the pandemic. In response, my husband’s company required everyone to work from home. I was already working from home and had a home office set up in out condominium. We decided that it would be best that my husband take over my home office since he is the breadwinner and I become a full-time mother to our (now) 2 children…both under the age of 5. As a now full-time (rather than part-time) stay at home mom, I took to cooking 3 meals a day for the family. This led me to try out recipes that I had always wanted to try but never seemed to have the time. Of course, I posted all of these photos on Instagram. One day, I realized that even though I had been tagging other accounts in my photos (certain brands, the creator of the recipe, etc.), they couldn’t see the tag because my Instagram account was private. My first response was to make my account public, but then I began uncomfortable with the idea of pictures of my children being on an account easily accessible by anyone. That’s when I decided to create a second Instagram account. The new account would be private and that would be where I share photos of my children while the original account remained public and I would continue to post picture of things I cooked. (FYI, cooking and food in general has been my hobby well before the lockdown. The lockdown just gave me an opportunity to pursue my hobby even more).

    When I created the new account, immediately began sending follow requests to all of my friends. This included friends from the sister club who I had slowly reconnected with over the 16-18 years since graduation. Because of this, Instagram began suggesting I friend people from my original club including the people who bullied me. I deleted those suggestions. However, it then suggested this person. I haven’t spoken to this person in 17.5 years (16 year since graduation plus that 1.5 years where I was at the school but had stopped going by the office. I had also quit the dance club.). I decided to follow that person. Their account was public so my request was approved automatically. After that, I forgot about it. Then one day, a mutual friend found some items from the sister club and posted a picture making sure to tag all the people who were a part of that club. This person was tagged. That’s when I remembered that I had followed this person but I didn’t see them in my feed. So, I clicked on the link and…it said “user not found.” I thought that was weird. How can our mutual friend tag a user that doesn’t exist? For some reason, my thoughts went immediately to “they blocked you.” So, I did a search on Google to see how to find out if you had been blocked on Instagram. One site suggested opening up your browser in incognito mode and [link removed]. This is so you can go on Instagram without the site knowing it is you. They said, (for a public account) if you can see that person’s account in incognito mode whereas it says “user not found” when you are logged into your account, that means you have been blocked. Since this person’s account is public and follow requests are approved automatically, that means this person would have had to gone into the list of followers, find my name, and then block me. On top of that, I checked my original account where I have never tried to follow this person and found that I was blocked there too. So not only did they do all that work to block me on one account, but they sought out my other account just to block that one as well.

    I honestly have no idea why they did this. If this person had only blocked one account, I would think maybe they don’t remember me but the fact that they sought out my second account just to block it means that they remember me very well. However, we’ve never had any negative encounters in person and we haven’t even had contact –in person or online—in almost 18 years. I would understand if this person decided to remove me from their list of followers or something blocking me? And going through so much trouble to block both account? I can’t imagine why.

    I am at war with myself. My mind says the only two possible reasons are that they are upset with me for one of the 2 incidents mentioned above. They could have been part of the group of people who was bullying me and I never knew it (they never revealed themselves like the cowards they are) or they are upset that I visited my other friend while in Florida and never contacted them (though I never had any means to contact them anyway). My brain tells me that someone who is acting so extreme for something that either happened 4 years ago or 17.5 years ago is not someone worth having in my life, but my heart is broken. This is especially true when you consider that the people who I knew for sure were directly part of it (like the president and vice president), never once blocked me on any social media platforms. They never tried to connect with me nor I them, but they never blocked me either (nor I them). I think the not knowing part and that fact that I will probably never get a chance to know, bothers me the most. What could I have possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I just don’t understand. I am struggling with feelings of rejection and I am not sure how to process them.


  10. I would like to introduce myself. I have been suffering from depression ever since I was a child. My mother had given me away to be raised by my grandparents. Then when I was around 6, my mother took me back and that is when the issues started. My grandparents raised me in a loving environment, but when I moved back with my birth mother (plus brother, maternal grandmother, aunt, and uncle), I felt out of place. I acted very differently from the rest of my family and was made to feel like an outcast because of it. I was hated and bullied relentlessly at school, and I was bullied even more by the neighborhood kids. This bullying continued all the way through high school and a little into college as well. 

    I went through life feeling unworthy of love or respect. I self-sabotaged many friendships and potential romantic partners because I always expected them to leave me. I didn't begin to heal until I left the United States. Something about living in a country where no one had any expectation of me was liberating. I was free to define who I was. 

    Even though living overseas has been helpful overall, I still had (and still have) depression and suicidal thoughts due to loneliness. It is always difficult to connect with locals due to the language barrier and difficult to connect with fellow Americans because I don't fit the stereotype assigned to me. Plus, every time I did settle into a new country, I ended up moving and had to start the process all over again.

    Now I am in my current country. I am married to a local and have two wonderful children, but I do not have much of an emotional support system. I am raising two children by myself without help from in laws (who live on the other side of the country) or my own family, who are all an ocean away. Most of my friends are in a similar boat. We are all foreigners married to local men, most of us have 2 children. Some of the moms have in laws to help them and some don't. We're all equally busy so it is difficult for us to be there for one another, even if we really want to. I do not have time to care for myself. Sometimes I go days without showering or washing my hair because every waking minute of the day is dedicated to caring for our two children. This was made worse by covid-19 and the lockdown. We had just placed our youngest in school and I was beginning to at least have time to groom myself again and then all of a sudden it was taken away. With so much going on, it is easy for one careless comment from my husband to send me over the edge. Sometimes I feel like my children are the only thing keeping me alive. They are devastated if I ignore them for a few minutes. I think leaving them forever would cause irreversible damage. 

    Still, it is so hard. Sometimes I just need a sympathetic ear. I am hoping I can find that here and also be that for someone else who may need it.    

     

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