Civil

Feeling like my life is out of control. I'm sick of everything and everyone. I need to hurt people like they hurt me, to make them feel the pain and despair they cause others. I don't want to be like this but a lifetime of misery takes its toll. It never works out. Whatever I do always ends up hurting me in the end. I'm the bad guy. I hate me.

I'm the bad guy. I have been beaten, bullied and belittled to the point where I act as though everyone is against me, even if they're not. I hate me.

Feeling hopeless again, need to make changes in my life but its difficult to muster up any motivation. Therapy has just hit a roadblock after making such great progress. I hate me.

Porter Robinson - Sad Machine.

The other night I dreamt that I was scooting on my bike (standing to the side, on one pedal) through an abandon shopping centre at night. I came to a set of stairs, at the bottom was an upturned vending machine that was blocking the path. I went down to the bottom and threw my bike over to the other side, I then climbed over. As I was holding onto the vending machine on the other side, I jumped backwards expecting to land on my feet. But I didn't, I kept falling. All I could think was "oh **** this is an elevator shaft. This is it, I can't stop it. This is where they will find my body." I almost jumped out of bed as I woke up.

Having a bad night after a month long streak of good ones. I feel overwhelmed and out of control, like the whole world is going to end tomorrow and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Thanks for your support @Extremebeginner. I have since been reviewed by my psychs and conducted some brain readings, it's a little too complicated for me to understand, but they explained how the medication was effecting my brainwaves and how it was making me sick. Not a good match for me. I have stopped taking all medication at this stage, as I am having positive outcomes with therapy.

The past few days have been the toughest i've had in a while. I feel so overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and guilt, it just makes me want to cry. My medication was changed up last week from 300mg Sertraline to 30mg Cymbalta (up to 60mg after 1 week) + 25mg Valdoxan, because the Sertraline stopped working on me like six months ago. I couldn't even get past the first day before stopping. I felt so nauseous that I vomited and my head was so dizzy and cloudy I couldn't get any work done. I haven't re-started yet because I'm afraid I can't deal with the side effects of the new medication, but i'm just an absolute mess without it.

Futurecop - la foi en l'eau

Received an email saying another job application was rejected. I was already anxious from going out to the local shops to get some food, the email just pushed me over the edge.

They put me on 300mg in September last year. It didn't work out so well in the end, turns out it put my brain into overdrive which wasn't helpful for my anxiety. Have only just gone back down to 200mg in the past month.

I'm in the same boat, have been struggling with motivation at work. Had a horrible boss last year who absolutely destroyed me (since moved to a different part of the company) ... He's gone but I just can't shake the apathy.

Has been a while since I posted. Today was a particularly bad day. Feeling absolutely worthless.