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juno_writes

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    being outside, photography, writing, reading

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  1. Grateful for being fortified by sleep, food, a shower, and love from human and feline friends last night.
  2. I hope that things coming up means less feeling stuck and the beginning of some healing, even if it's all still very raw right now. There was a time this summer when I really wanted a drink (after years without), thought the usual "but it's not good for you," and then instead of the usual "I'd better not," just thought, "Good. Get it over with." All those great intentions and strategies... poof. They don't count for much when we don't/can't actually care about our own wellbeing. I'm trying to care... and have to keep it under control since I'm always "on call" with family stuff, but honestly don't know how to get through life right now without some small amount of anesthesia. I know I'll need to stop again. But first got to get through today.
  3. Sitting vigil with my Dad at 2 a.m. Excruciating. He's gone more than 50 hours without even water now. Tried to sleep in their recliner and gave up, so now maybe I'll try and fail to do some work. Nothing else matters. I can't leave Mom alone with this. My heart breaks for him, and then I look at her and it breaks all over again for her. Keeping him home rather than in the hospital is the hardest thing for us, but I hope (God, I hope!) it is the better, gentler thing for him.
  4. My Dad's not doing well. He did eat two bites from his old recipe that I made, but that was it. Family feeling exhausted, defeated, and sad. I'm trying to make myself care about work, which I still need to do tonight. I used to be a morning person but can't make myself get up early anymore. The best part of the day is over as soon as the alarm goes off.
  5. If that's not available, maybe in a car on the highway with the windows rolled up? (been there) I hope there's less pressure tomorrow.
  6. That's a gut punch. I hear her pain and don't know the context ("determination"), but also recognize some misunderstandings of what depression is because I've heard them too. It's just a hard thing to explain to someone. Depression isn't a failure to see that others love and depend on us. Not being able to feel things others do, or believe the things they do about ourselves, isn't caused by some lack of willpower. I've tried *everything* to improve this, and will keep trying. "If you can't feel our love, you are not able to share that degree of love with us either." I often go through the actions without much emotion these days, but I keep showing up day after day, and that is absolutely its own kind of love. Anyway, welcome. Glad you're here.
  7. I'll actually tell people something like 'I'm not really feeling verbal right now.' They seem to get it. It's nice to be able to come and go and come back here as we're able, without the awkwardness. And it's good to see you again!
  8. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of burdens. I hope you find some support here. You deserve it every bit as much as anyone else. Why do some take more than they give? Because they can, I guess... I hear and share your anger and desire for change.
  9. Hi Jesse, welcome! Talking about it with people who've been there (whether "it" is struggles with mental or physical health, or whatever) always helps me. I hope it does the same for you.
  10. Feeling OKish after a long hard day. I'll take it. The digital detox and this morning's counseling appt helped me stay focused better on priorities.
  11. I take as hallelujah, yay, celebration. Your CBT strategy sounds like a good way to get a little mental distance from your mom and separate her issues from yours.
  12. Thank you. Beating myself up takes too much energy, so I'm trying not to do that, but also trying not to waste too much energy in other ways. A friend who went through a crisis a few years ago talked about how carefully she guarded her time and energy then. It sounded very kind to herself, actually. That's my goal, to spend it wisely as much as I can. Got a betterhelp appt tomorrow. Still feeling it out, since the first appts have some formalities. I can't keep up the cost a long time, but it's a worth a try right now. They do have income-based discounts, if that might make it more accessible for you? I think the cost is also less if you don't sign up for video calls, though I really wanted the face-to-face part at least right now.
  13. It's been a while since I've been able to cry. Not sure how much is can't vs won't (who wants to focus more on feeling bad when they already feel so bad), but when I push myself to let go and feel things it feels like touching a flame and pulling back. But then I escape instead, which comes with its costs. I'm sorry that you're feeling some of that too.
  14. Anger - even fear - is more energizing than sadness. It can keep away the painful thoughts when we have to function, so I do see why that impulse kicks in. Just can't afford to get lost in it.
  15. my life right now. My Dad's dying, and (in down time when not helping) I am wasting time on THE stupidest online crap. I'm replacing life, which is painful, with something else because it feels better. And to a point, ok, escape can be healthy sometimes. If I could play a game and check out for an hour and come back, no problem. But at this point very little holds my attention enough to be an escape. So I ramp it up and do things like go on political twitter and go looking for things to piss me off, because I'd rather be pissed off than brokenhearted. And of course that just adds stress, anger, and fear at a time when there's already too much -- why isn't it obvious? Honestly, because it's compulsive. I do see how people get sucked into online addictions... guess I am those "people" I don't want to look back and regret spending time and energy on things that not only aren't helpful but run me down more. One of the other things that can still hold my attention is coming here and being reminded how everyone is going through something (and good wishes tonight to all who are ). I will try to come here instead, or just sleep, or distract myself with podcasts and cat videos or a mindless drive... I need to be here for my family. I need to make decisions with a clear head.
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