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About juno_writes

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    being outside, photography, writing, reading

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  1. So true! The mind needs rest, too. I can clean all day if I have to but just hit a wall sometimes with the other stuff -- with planning and decisions, figuring out how to get what's needed from people who don't want to cooperate, etc. That is all its own kind of hard work. Give yourself credit for a big job well done.
  2. Got up at 3 AM to start another overwhelming day, after 2 hours of sleep the previous night. This has been going on and on and on. I think I can't take any more and then just have to keep trudging anyway. But today there's a light at the end of one tunnel! For months, one big project has been working to sort, empty, repair (mostly DIY), and clean my parents' house, where I grew up. So many emotions. Got "done" and then, surprise!, realized that we'd need to remediate the aluminum wiring. Then there were issues getting the power of attorney paperwork finished so I could do all the contractual stuff with the realtor. This morning a charity will pick up the last few pieces of furniture, and this afternoon the photographer will come. Tomorrow the house will be on the market! Now, time to make some progress on the overwhelming work project...
  3. Working til 4am for the 2nd time in 6 days. Night is day, down is up. I'm getting slower and slower. But there's peace in the 4am quiet, too.
  4. I hear you. I'm finishing cleaning my parents' house to get it on the market and it is not like normal cleaning. (Can't think of the last time I've scrubbed the inside of my range hood or back yard light fixture at home!) Luckily it's vacant and will STAY clean. Was hoping to finish today but instead spent a few hours helping my ex finish repairs in the electrical panel. He is very skilled and also very irritable. Not fun. Happy Valentines Day lol.
  5. Wait, are you showing your own house to potential buyers (as well as doing the cleanup every time)? For sale by owner? That is some stress. Good luck -- I hope these people make an offer!
  6. So this is my life: >12 hours at the computer yesterday, in order to do 8 hours of billable work, because I just cannot focus. Never know when I will have energy, but have to use it while it's there, so I work until 1 AM, start at 4 AM, sleep in my clothes and work in my PJs, it doesn't matter. Both parents having health crises -- Mom still has delirium of unknown origin, and Dad has lung cancer. On the weekends, I've been working to clear out, repair, and clean their house so it can be sold. Trying to help from a distance (because of &*$% covid) feels like trying to screw in a screw from across the street: if I exert enough force, I can sort of nudge things in the right direction, but it's so clunky and heavy and I just want to BE THERE. Exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.
  7. They also play golf on the Bering sea ice. I saw that in Nome and it was hilarious.
  8. I lived in central Alaska years ago, and the joke was that the mosquito was the state bird. Never did make it to Barrow/Utqiagvik. I always wanted to eat there at Pepe's North of the Border (Mexican restaurant).
  9. Congrats on having him out of your home and soon out of your life. That's a big step! I hope the wounds from your time together start to heal now that there's no longer constant friction between you. I live with an ex-partner myself (he rents my basement). We are friendly, mostly, but there are reasons for us being "ex," and I long to have my own space.
  10. Hi. It sounds like things are really hard right now. When I'm feeling that way, it can help to literally talk myself through each step. (Saying it out loud helps with focus, I guess.) I hope that whatever you're able to do builds some momentum.
  11. I hope your viewing went well! And I sympathize. Been working on getting my parents' house (where I grew up) on the market for, like, ever. Wishing you a smooth sale.
  12. Morning: climbed out the upstairs window to stuff foam behind the downspout that's been vibrating with gusts of wind, keeping me up at night Evening: four hours of visiting my mother in the hospital (allowed only because her delirium is so bad), two difficult phone calls Night: it's quiet now but still at 1 AM
  13. I used to drink way too much soda and got off it by drinking more unflavored seltzer water. Wouldn't have thought it would be satisfying, but it was. (I still drink too much coffee, though.) If you carbonate the water yourself, you can control how fizzy to make it. Lots of carbonation may still not be very healthy, but at least you have more control. Maybe you can even buy flavorings that are light in sugar or caffeine? As for me... I am going over the edge with the doomscrolling this week. Also, my Dad has his first cancer treatment tomorrow. I've never had a big problem with anxiety, but am feeling like it's hard to breathe.
  14. Welcome, Gage! There's a common assumption, with those who haven't experienced depression, that it's mainly an issue of sadness. For me, the real day-to-day issues are low energy and brain fog (trouble with executive functioning). It's always a good idea to get a medical workup checking for things like thyroid disorders and nutritional deficiencies, which can cause depression symptoms. In my case there's no obvious cause, either. The fact that you mentioned lack of enjoyment (anhedonia) as well as low energy does make it sound more like depression. It can feel VERY physical. I think of it as similar to nausea in some ways: a full-body experience that rolls over me in waves. It's always there, at least in the background. As with nausea, I can push myself to be productive despite it up to a point... then just hit a wall where the symptoms are more acute or energy is used up. The reserve is much smaller and gets drained much faster than when I've felt well. There is sadness in the mix, too -- grief over the losses that kicked off this episode, regret over the opportunities it's made me miss, despair about the future. Without the fatigue, though, I could cope with these things by taking better advantage of the opportunities that still exist. You're taking action early, and that's great. I hope that the counselor and meds bring you relief. In the meantime, as for fighting through the low energy... I sure wish that there were one or two good tips. Instead, I have a hundred mediocre ones. There are a lot of things that can help a little. Whatever helps you, one key is to accept that you'll need to keep doing it regularly. Routines are important, especially routines for healthy sleep and eating. Exercise and social connections are well-known "treatments" but can feel pretty impossible sometimes. Instead of declaring goals that I can't consistently keep, I find it more helpful to ask questions: Is this (whatever I'm doing in the moment) a good use of limited energy? What CAN I control? How simple can I make this? If it's hard to keep on track, it's fine to make lists or even talk yourself through each step. Little steps add up.
  15. This description also feels familiar. Dr. Edith Eger, whose memoir blew me away: "It's as though all the tears I can't allow myself to shed on the outside are draining into a pool inside. I can't ignore the grief, but I can't seem to expel it either... I don't have the vocabulary to explain the flooded feeling in my chest, the dark throb in my forehead. It's like grit smeared across my vision. Later, this feeling will have a name. Later, I will know to call it depression."
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