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  1. Hi kmess. I'm late to seeing this but just wanted to say that you're not alone and I'm sorry you're going through these things. It was extreme stress last year that flattened my emotions -- seems like the only one left is the anger, ranging from defensive numbness quickly up to nuclear rage. That's not me, AT ALL. I've resorted to hurting myself instead of others but really don't want to do either. So I do things to avoid feeding aggression like turning off music in the car (lots of aggressive drivers here). Evergreenforst4 mentioned physical outlets, and they have helped. Ironically, I even took a self-defense class while suicidal, just to punch and kick things safely. There are also guided meditations about releasing trauma through physical motion, similar to the way animals sometimes "shake off" after feeling threatened. These things have helped a little with the depersonalization, too. Being outside also helps. If nothing else, I can sit on the porch, look at the sky, and feel a little less trapped, let the anger dissolve a bit in the open space. Wishing you some peace.
  2. for you. It's good that TMS is not invasive, so there's not much down side to trying if you can.
  3. I saw your Ahhh when it was over and wondered... Hope today has been better!
  4. The other night, I watched the movie The Starling. It's about healing from grief, and someone recommended it. I couldn't get past wondering how the main couple (supermarket worker and grade-school teacher) could afford a house on acres of land and months of inpatient mental health care. The treatment center where the husband stayed was gorgeous. He had unlimited time to stroll around the lovely grounds (Is this really what people think it's like?), and was able to fool the staff by hiding the meds under his tongue. Opposite of my experience years ago. Would be nice to think that a place like that existed.
  5. Depression is a hard thing to explain to someone. I don't blame them for not understanding if they've never been there, just wish they wouldn't jump to conclusions about depression = self-pity or whatever. No, we wouldn't tell someone with heart disease that the cure is acceptance, or tell someone with cancer that "it will get better" when we have no idea what stage it is. Not everyone gets better. I've heard the term "toxic positivity" and can relate. A few weeks ago, when my Dad was dying, a caregiver came in and told my Mom, "Don't worry, he will be OK." Mom and I looked sideways at each other and thought, 'She must mean he'll be OK because he won't be suffering much longer.' But no, she went on with a smile to assure us literally, "He'll get better, he'll be up soon!" Meant to be comforting, but what we both felt was horror. Because we could see it was the opposite of truth, when we wanted nothing more than for it to be the truth. Being assured this week that "it will get better," after 11 of years of it getting steadily worse, brought that same feeling back. That doesn't mean I'm giving up or want to wallow in self-pity. I may be having a bad month, but he's no longer alive... another relative who's just in her mid-30s was diagnosed with cancer the same week. Everyone gets their share of sh**. I'm well aware that it could be worse. That's the thing, actually. I've never said poor me, it's not fair - just that I'm exhausted and my brain's not working well, which understandably leads to big fears about the future. When nothing else helps, at least there's relief in being able to be real about that here.
  6. Glad to hear your counselor has been working out well so far! "Not easy, but beneficial" sounds like a good balance -- productive without being overwhelming. In-person sessions would be my first choice, too. Especially in the beginning. BH's 45 minutes/week is still much better than what insurance offers. The hardest part was finding a counselor who seemed like a good match -- you do have to work around the automated matching. I like her, she's qualified, and is still willing to meet, of course. She just isn't hopeful that 45 minutes/week online is enough to help much... kinda knew that going in The issue is that, in past experience, suggestions to "look for extra help elsewhere" tend to turn into "just look for help elsewhere."
  7. One of the worst feelings i've had lately, and ive had a few: being assured "it will get better" in a group setting and having to act like some part of me believes it.
  8. The latest person who can't help: the betterhelp therapist I've been paying out of pocket for, who suggested tonight that i find an in-person trauma therapist. she thinks someone else may be able to offer methods she can't via telehealth, something other than talking? around and around we go. already spent hours and hours finding her when nothing else was available. if she can find something local and affordable that i overlooked, awesome, but... really? feeling lost
  9. Those are all things that have helped me a little, too (more than traditional treatments). So reminders are welcome! As long as they're not oversold as a cure. And especially at the worst times when it feels like "I've tried everything and nothing worked" -- actually some things do a little, for a little while. They're like brushing your teeth -- most effective when we're able to do it routinely, rather than once in a while when the problem is already large. Sometimes I can be very faithful about doing those things that help a little. Sometimes the energy, time, and even the memory are not there. It takes a lot of work just to maintain the status quo with chronic depression, not to mention other things like housing issues. Personally I sure feel stuck, always two steps forward and then two steps back. Sometimes even holding ground is a victory. Whether or not anyone else sees that, let's celebrate it. My little victory this week, speaking of brushing teeth: got a good report at a dental cleaning, which I was worried about after it got postponed for ages. At least I held the line on tooth decay, in the midst of everything else in this godawful year.
  10. Grateful for being fortified by sleep, food, a shower, and love from human and feline friends last night.
  11. I hope that things coming up means less feeling stuck and the beginning of some healing, even if it's all still very raw right now. There was a time this summer when I really wanted a drink (after years without), thought the usual "but it's not good for you," and then instead of the usual "I'd better not," just thought, "Good. Get it over with." All those great intentions and strategies... poof. They don't count for much when we don't/can't actually care about our own wellbeing. I'm trying to care... and have to keep it under control since I'm always "on call" with family stuff, but honestly don't know how to get through life right now without some small amount of anesthesia. I know I'll need to stop again. But first got to get through today.
  12. Sitting vigil with my Dad at 2 a.m. Excruciating. He's gone more than 50 hours without even water now. Tried to sleep in their recliner and gave up, so now maybe I'll try and fail to do some work. Nothing else matters. I can't leave Mom alone with this. My heart breaks for him, and then I look at her and it breaks all over again for her. Keeping him home rather than in the hospital is the hardest thing for us, but I hope (God, I hope!) it is the better, gentler thing for him.
  13. My Dad's not doing well. He did eat two bites from his old recipe that I made, but that was it. Family feeling exhausted, defeated, and sad. I'm trying to make myself care about work, which I still need to do tonight. I used to be a morning person but can't make myself get up early anymore. The best part of the day is over as soon as the alarm goes off.
  14. If that's not available, maybe in a car on the highway with the windows rolled up? (been there) I hope there's less pressure tomorrow.
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