Hi all, I hope you’re keeping safe and well in this crazy world we are finding ourselves in.
I apologise in advance if this is quite a long message. I also appreciate it that it may well come across as asking for reassurance, but I’m not sure where else to go. I’m hoping by just writing about it will help, but if in any way this post, or any replies I am kind enough to receive help me reclaim what I have lost, well, that would just be an amazing feat.
For a brief bit of background on myself, I am male, 32, and suffer from Pure-O, borderline personality disorder and on-and-off depression.
Growing up, I would always feel that I didn’t fit in, or that I wasn’t cool enough, or that I was undeserving of happiness or nice things. Because of this I would always try too hard, be super over the top or just ask for reassurance in a huge way.
Because my world and my head were a very lonely place, I would seek comfort in worlds that I could escape in and these would provide me with places to feel safe, content, accepted.
These ‘worlds’ would typically be music and computer games. I became absolutely OBSESSED with music from a young age, seeking solace in music, the bands, the songwriters and the lyricists. My teenage years are nothing but a blur of music, reading into words and feeling their pain and like I belonged. It wasn’t particularly healthy I know, but it got me through.
A few years ago, I completely ruined my experience with music by getting an obsession into my head that I couldn’t listen to these bands unless I had made contact with the artists, spoke with them and effectively received their permission to listen to them. This validation and longing seemed vital to me, even though I had listened to the music for years. It became an obsession and after months of reaching out to them on social media etc, I had worked myself into such a frenzy that I was completely unable to listen to my childhood bands anymore. Some artists responded to me in a positive way, others ignored me completely, others were angry and blocked me. I understand that completely. I became obsessed and would sometimes send 10-15 messages, apologising for hassling them, effectively pouring my heart out, telling them my problems, asking for permission to listen to them.
I managed to ruin so many bands, that I can't listen to them anymore. It sounds trivial, but it was my lifeline and I miss it so much. Because music built my formative years, I feel as though I've lost a bit of my childhood.
I have conceded that I will never get that back and I have lost it forever. That is heartbreaking but it is what it is. Art is such a personal thing, that I can't help but feel that if the artist hates me, then I can't listen to their music or relate to them.
The real thing which is now breaking my heart and making me very unhappy, is the fact I am slowly ruining my other passion and escapism - video games.
I know that it is a trait of my conditions to sabotage things that I love, and although I deal with that every day, there are some things I cannot get past.
I look for connections in things and ways that some things and products are linked. If I feel I have ruined a certain game for myself, I then can't play another game by the same company, or who uses the same voice actor. It's crazy, because I know most game studios have 100s of people working for them, and there isn't one person who is the creator (unlike perhaps a songwriter), but I can't help it.
The main reason and game for my sadness is the game Fallout (and the other games in the series). The 4 recent Fallout games have been such a source of happiness, relaxation and therapy for me, but I feel as though I can't play them anymore.
The reason for this is ridiculous. I saw an article about a fan reaching out to the creators, saying how much the game meant to them. They received a nice response. I also then read awful tweets some other people sent the creators, slagging off the games.
Up until this point I had never reached out to the creators because I didn't want anything to jeopardise anything for me. At this point, seeing these other conversations triggered me, and I felt I had to validate the fact that I deserved to play the games by reaching out.
At this point, I was also talking to some people who ran a Fallout podcast (unofficial), who I spoke to in a nice way, and I also had a massive case of the flu (this was a couple of years ago).
I was tempted to reach out to the creators to say how much the game has changed my life, how much I needed it etc. But I don't think I did. But I honestly cannot remember if I did or not, because at that time, I was blindly firing off 10's of messages a day sometimes to things which I loved.
To be clear, I was never rude, or offensive to people. But I just must have seemed absolutely mental to them.
I can't remember if I reached out to anyone connected to Fallout or not, but I remember worrying that something had someone ruined it. I remember that feeling so clearly. I then put the game down and couldn't play it any more.
I miss it so much. I have been wanting to play it again recently, to have that escapism, that joy, but I just can't. It feels so invalid. Which I know doesn't make sense, but I just can't explain it.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this, and I'm sorry for going on. But I just can't seem to beat this.
I appreciate given the current climate this may seem trivial. But these things are my rock, they are what have stopped me from self-harm in the past, or given me a reason to be alive during my darkest times.
Thank you for listening x