tiredoflife1

for most of my life ive been the happy kid. like, I could do the worst thing on planet earth and nothing is wrong. When I was little I knew i was different. I didnt like the barbie dolls, or dressing up as a princess, i just wanted to save the princess. As I got older, I tried to conform the person everyone wanted me to be. I based my personality off of the stereotypical girl, and would do anything to earn my family's love. When i lost my grandmother everything changed. i went from being choked by the weight of my own existence, to suddenly having gasps of air. She was my favorite person on the earth, but a part of me was happy she was gone because I could finally be myself. instead of conforming I started fighting for who i was. which caused a rift within my family. I was so withdrawn that everyone just stayed away from me and i liked it. i liked being alone, and being in silence. I was finally comfortable enough with myself to come out to my older sister in march of 2021. she was proud of me, and she always knew that i was different. she understood the pressure of being in a family of preachers, and going to church multiple times a week. she was a god-loving human being and she didnt care that I want straight. i never knew that she would be gone 3 months later. I lost my best friend, and my support system all in one. All eyes were on me, and I had no choice in the decision. to this day, everyone around me holds me in a higher regard, because ive lost so many people, including my father a few months after my sister. "shes so strong". yeah i have to be. Im sick of the lies, and the constant hatred for everyone around me. I hate waking up in the morning knowing my house is so silent. I wake everyday wishing it was me instead of my sister, because I know everyone would be better off if i was the one that died that day. i just want to live in a world where nobody cares who you date and who you love. With everything that ive been through, dont I deserve this? didnt I at least earn the right to be who I am after losing everything? I guess not.

well well. here we are again. This is titled grief because I recently lost my older sister who was also my best friend. we grew up together and did everything together, and now im alone. she was only 18 and she just fell asleep and didn't wake up. My entire family is finding comfort in 'god' but why would a so called all powerful being take away a person who was kind to everybody and that radiated sunshine? I will never understand. Im so angry, even more so than I was before and im going to snap. I lost the one person who knew who I truly was and didn't care. Everyone around me is dealing with it because they have a support system, and friends. But my support system is the one who is 6 feet underground. My support system was taken from me. Im all alone, and I like it that way but everyone looks at me like im about to break. And I never break. I went from being invisible to all the attention being on me and my parents hovering over me like im gonna disappear . My advice to anybody, spend time with your family. you never know how long you'll have with them.

Hey everyone who might be reading this, you don't know me and I don't know you. And on some form we like it that way, it takes out accountably and if one of us makes a "Im done, and never coming back" post, we would eventually forget about them. Life is a funny thing, ive yet to master it and if you have any tips let me know, but I believe It does get easier. I haven't tested that theory out yet, but I hope to be able to one day. I know you're like, "what's this weirdo talking about" and honestly I don't even know. Just, keep fighting, its sounds weird coming from a fellow "Not afraid to die" but stay, and that way you can rub it in peoples faces. Im really looking forward to that. xoxo, Mack

The worst feeling, is being in your own house and feeling like you need to go home.

This is my cry for help, because honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drifting away because the rope I was using to hold me broke. My hands shake and I can't ever be still anymore. My brain is turned off and I can't think or comprehend anything anymore. I get yelled at for the stupidest things, even when its not my fault and I don't eve know hwats wrong. The things that used to bring me joy don't anymore. Im going on almost 40 hours since I've eaten anything. I don't play the drums, I don't talk to my friends and I hate being outside of my room. Im too broken for somebody to love me, but not broken enough to **** myself. I ignore the people that try to help and im so angry. I feel like im going to lose my self harm sober streak, which it has been about 4 months. Everyone looks at me and asks what's wrong but I just say nothing, because I don't know. Its like a switch turned on in my brain and said "depression." I CANT DO IT. BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW. I LOST THE ONE PERSON WHO MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME, AND ON TOP OF THAT IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH MY SEXUALITY. ITS HARD. PEOPLE SAY THEY UNDERSTAND AND THEY DONT. I don't know what to do. thanks for listening to this message, ill make sure to send another with an invite to my funeral. "**** feelings, that shit ruined my life." Mack

HAHA old man depression.

Ive never heard of that method so thanks for sharing.

At the time when I wrote it, it did help. But now, as new challenges surface, I have no idea how to cope. I just want to be happy, but its hard when you lose yourself, others, your sanity, and your will to live, as a result. I have anxiety, depression and Anger issues, so that doesn't help.

If only it were that easy.

Thank you.

My entire life I've tried to be somebody im not. And im so sick of it. My family is super religious and bashes homosexuals any chance they get. They try to get me to be interested in boys, but I don't want to be. I feel like I constantly have to hide who I am and I don't know if I can do it anymore. All I want to do is be normal, and walk down the street with someone I love and not be judged. All I want is to be able to wear the clothes I want. Dear mom and dad, I hate you. You stole my life and my freedom when you took me out of public school. Now im all alone, and ill die that way too. I honestly can't wait for the day that you find me on the floor, because you deserve it. You want me to be someone im not, and I can't. Because of you, I probably won't make it to my 15th birthday, and ill never go to a high school dance or party. I hope you get what you deserve. Dear past self, I hope you enjoyed being happy. I apologize for trying to mute myself, and be someone I wasn't. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but it doesn't. I hope you enjoyed being happy and having friends, because you won't be living as long as you thought you would. Thanks for listening, and thanks for caring. Love, Mack