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thatguiltyboy

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  1. Thanks Tym. Your words are far too kind. I actually sat don to think through, as you suggested, using the OODA model. I guess I am going to need help, because I cam't think clearly at all. I try to "orient"... but I can't see the source of the pain, except that I'm the source of my own pain (past mistakes), and others' pain (being a drag, and a burden). I just start thinking about whether everyone would be better of without me. Strangely, I even feel guilty about writing that, or saying it to someone.... it feels more like "attention seeking", rather than something real, since I don't plan on suicide just yet. Thanks though.... :)
  2. Your profile pic/avatar made me smile. Thanks for that, kind stranger! What's OODA? I just googled it and found some sort of fancy thing they'd "teach" at business school. How would you say this is applicable here? Thanks... but HOW can it be dealt with? I just got out of bed 5 minutes ago... have been unable to move or think at all over the past few days. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay out of bed for long. I don't have the money for therapy, I'm disillusioned with medication.... and most of all, I don't even feel that it's depression. It's just me. Honestly, I'm not looking for pity, I mean it. I'm so filled with faults that it's just morally wrong of me to hide behind a diagnosis of depression to shirk my responsibility for where I am in life today. I'm turning 29 in a few days, and my life is a wreck. All my peers are far far ahead in their lives, and there's no way I'm ever catching up. I can see the pain in my parents' faces when they see me like this... but I'm just in too much pain and not to mention the constant anxiety (Panic, rather) to be able to help it anymore. I've been pretending to be fine for years. I'm just done now. Sadly, my mother doesn't get it, and winds up yelling at me. I feel she's thoroughly disgusted with me now. Not that I blame her.... Regardless of all this, dying isn't an option just yet. I need to be able to deal with this. I know that I have a life of coping and pain management before me. But I'm such a mess that I don't know where to start.
  3. Thanks. That's insightful. I can't go to a GP and get help where I live. There are some government hospitals a couple of hours from where I live. I will try I don't have hopes of becoming "normal". I just want to be able to deal with it, and not make things painful for myself and everyone around me.
  4. Thank you. How true is the quoted statement? It's an honest question, because though it seems cliche, I would like to know more if its true, since it may be helpful in coping in the long run
  5. Thanks everybody. @C Midge: I don't know if I wholly agree with that. I do feel that the feelings I face are entirely different. Maybe that's just me. Thanks though.
  6. Thanks Oscar! I've given this some thought. Whatever thought is possible in my current state that is. It's truly an idea worth looking into. But I feel that in order to do something like this... to declare a truce, there must be some kind of goal. For instance: "I declare a truce with myself for two weeks, so that I can get help, and send out my CV to prospective employers for jobs" Something like that. Please let me know your comments, if any.
  7. Hi C Midge! I'm not sure where I can, or want to go. I feel utterly lost, and I see no hope anywhere. I guess I still have some left, tbh:: I'm alive, and I am on this forum. I don't have anyone to talk to about all this, and I can't afford therapy. so I appreciate connecting with you. Thank you. I'm not sure if it's terrible. My problems today feel like my "just desserts". The years of trauma were not my fault. But the years of avoidance were. And suffering constantly now seems natural
  8. That is absolutely true, and horrifyingly scary. It looks like you got a fire lighted under you. It's easier to think better of others, but not for oneself, isn't it? reading your post, I was thinking that you have a family, which must be something that gives you reason to live.
  9. Note: sorry about this content. I guess I needed to write this because I have no one to talk to, and there's no way I can afford therapy. It's just awful. Beyond words. I know I'm wasting my time typing this... but I just need to vent. Mods: sorry if this doesn't fit here. I'm 29, and I don't believe I'm depressed. I'm suffering today because of my own mistakes. Doctors think I'm depressed though, simply because I faced "persistent severe trauma during childhood for a number of years". That stuff was pretty bad, to be fair. Wouldn't wish it on any human. But still, it was childhood, not teenage, not adulthood. It is myself who made a mess of the rest of my life. I'm 29 years old now, my law career is in the dumps. I can't "think positive", and I know I'm a terrible person. It's so much that it chokes me. I look around and all I see is pain.... not because things or people cause it... but because I am there. I hate it. I hate wanting to die everyday but never being able to. I hate wanting to get out of this somehow..... but not having any hope at all. I'm truly tired. I won't **** myself after posting this, don't worry (if you care). But I truly am tired.... It's 4 am here in India. As I type this, I've lost track of what I'm doing. I've been in a state of panic and have been for several days now. It's just too much to bear. Only saving grace is that I deserve this. I'm truly sorry for all I did wrong (and I did plenty wrong by playing the victim most of my life), but I don't believe forgiveness is on the table. "Forgive yourself"..... hell, I don't even know what that means.
  10. I'm in a panic. It's been two weeks and I've been living with the most anxiety I've ever had. also feeling everything is pointless... I feel lonely, and I wish I wasn't such a horrible, miserable, depressing person, so I could actually talk to somebody. I feel like Im at the end of my tether. And yet, here I am, at home with my family, thanks to Lord Covid. At least I can't off myself for now.
  11. Not writing this in a good state of mind..... but I suppose most of us start here when something's wrong, right? I'm a 29 year old man from India. Can't afford therapy, so I'm trying to reach out here, gain some insights from forumers (I made that word up, hope it works) Was diagnosed with depression a few years back, and I think it was mainly because I told doctors about my childhood trauma, which was terrible, though not bad enough for a movie. There was physical and sexual abuse... and there was a lot of emotional neglect too. The bad thing was that all these 'incidents' occurred repeatedly and consistently for many many years. Still, I'm not quite convinced it's depression. I think my real problem is learned helplessness and a strong victim-complex. And so, of course, I believe I am to blame for my problems and my feelings today. The traumatic events ended, mostly, around my teens. But I never recovered. I made a mess of my life... Despite having a 130+ IQ, I'm a complete failure today, I feel hopeless and don't see things getting any better. I look at my peers from Law School.... most of them have hot-shot jobs, and here I am. A complete failure. I don't see any future for myself. But I still want to. I'm 29, and I've already lost/wasted most of my potential, career-wise. But I want to do what I can going forward. So here I am. Hello everyone. Please let me know if you relate or have any suggestions.
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