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About SolaMara

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  1. Thank you for being sincere in your responses. Surprisingly it’s comforting to have a place to just be real and to have people that just get it. I know something isn’t right with me, but I’m trying to be ok. I think in my personal life I resist sharing so much with others because it is so distressing. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to cause any alarm... I just need to be scary real sometimes. @mmd you reminded me that just listening to music is something I love. I know that sounds lame to just listen as opposed to playing, but I’m going to dig up my earphones and just let myself be ok with that for now. @jkd_sd I couldn’t have said this any better. I am stuck and cannot move and there seems to be no reasonable explanation. Why are we broken?
  2. I have “things” to keep me busy. 4 crazy kids, a full time job from home, a messy house, neighbors, chores, and errands. I am blessed and I cannot pretend that I’m not. Despite all of this, I find myself in bed all weekend, avoiding all social gatherings, ignoring the spilled cereal on the floor and flies that hover over it. I cannot bring myself to do the simplest of tasks. I just discovered that I’m also a workaholic. Why? I think it’s because it brings some small meaning to my sadly pathetic life. It’s work, or nothing. Sometimes I try to break away for “me” time but end up just staring at the wallpaper on my phone‘s background. I hate Facebook, I hate social apps. I hate fake people and those that aren’t fake I envy because they are living normally. I can’t bear to read it. Because I literally have no energy and no will power, I can think of nothing to help distract myself from myself. Do any of you have a go to hobby or activity? Please don’t say something like “do something that interests you”... remember I’m asking you and nothing interests me. -S
  3. Happy birthday Claire95!!. 🎂 I’m sorry to hear you had such a terrible weekend. My heart goes out to you. People can be carelessly cruel and I know what is like to be humiliated through email correspondence where the words on the screen haunt you for days. Although I’m sure our experiences are different, I think it’s good to let it hurt for just a little bit otherwise you wouldn’t be human. Wishing you a speedy recovery from this. You deserve better. -S
  4. A wrestle with paradox Don’t go but don’t stay A torrent of stillness That binds her at bay Tenderly touching the line of his jaw He’s wincing at loneliness, embracing her flaw And where to go now, Cold Pyrrhic victory? He battles for her In scathing resiliency Keeping her distance Never too far Holding resistance Embarking to fall Break into freedom A cry for relief A glimpse of perfection A moment of peace Crawling away Pyrrhic victory cost She reaches for him The paradox lost -S
  5. Almost 1am. Laying in bed listening to my husband snore. Feeling exhausted but restless. hopeful that I have found a way to express myself here.
  6. I have no expectation of a reply. I have no expectation for anything. Not even sure how to communicate in a meaningful way. Connections feel empty even with people around. Most that I know seem to live in a bubble of motion. Running to and from one thing to the next. I envy them. I wish that I could find a glimpse of happiness in busying myself with meaningless motion. Ultimately I am tired of myself. I don’t want to talk to anyone I know about this. I hurt so much that I cannot stand the thought of exposing all my twisted feelings of loneliness only to find myself more isolated in the company of someone that barely cares. I don’t know what to expect here in this forum. I don’t think I will ever get better. I have tried therapy, which only made it worse. And I’m currently on medication that makes me feel numb and exhausted during the day. I can’t offer any words of hope to anyone. Writing to myself seems pointless so I wanted to try writing in this forum. Just so that my words are out there. -S
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