So, I am going to be 30 years old this year. I am a female. I see a therapist now every 2 weeks (because it's expensive for me and after awhile, I feel therapists just start to aggravate me then I stop seeing them, though I was seeing one weekly for the past year) and I see a CRNP for my psychiatric Rx's. Now, I have a dilemma. My overall question is - do I JUST have diagnoses of depression and anxiety, or is it something medical or more? This is my introduction and wanting to see who else out there can relate.
Since I was about 13 years old, I used to get really down, drawing pictures of ******* people (I used to watch too many horror movies and had a lot of pent up anger from being bullied). I got "checked out" and was told I have a mood disorder (not specified). I have an older sister who has type 1 bipolar disorder (she currently denies having it). After I became about 20 years old, I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (clinical depression) with psychosis and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have had weird occurrences happen. I would get bouncy-happy then like 10 minutes later, crash in my bed. Burst out in anger fits over something so small. I've always been depressed, so I definitely have depression, but I've had doctors tell me I "may have" thyroid issues, anemia, iron deficiency, and possible sleeping issues due to obstructions in my airways causing me to snore and have broken sleep. Wondering if it's biological, genetic, or physical causes...
My issues now - I have been through traumatic relationships where there was abuse, I've had grief over losing a parent and am afraid of losing the other due to illness and older age, I've always had stress in my life - all of these lead to my current symptoms I notice: chronic fatigue, suicidal thoughts (almost attempted suicide once several months back), anger outbrusts that could last 15 mins. - 2/3 hours depending, paranoid people talk about me (esp. at work) and don't like me and have plans to try to either get into trouble or cause more drama. I could be crying in my car over something, being emotional, then later at home laugh and smile and feel more energetic. I get slow-paced, no motivation to fun things, appetite changes. Always worrying and stressing about "what ifs." Over-thinking and analyzing, and my mind races like 100mph it feels sometimes. Now I have a recent diagnosis of the same, MDD and GAD as before. With psychotic features. My therapist wanted to know "how could I be psychotic? do I want to be?" because I was trying to justify why I might have that diagnosis because I'm not sure, besides the persecutory delusions of people laughing and talking about me. Sometimes I get funny odd smells or tastes in my mouth, bugs crawling on me feeling. I do get moody where I'm copacetic then crying my eyes out, wanting to die and don't see the point in living. Then my therapist tells me, because I was concerend of having maybe type 2 bipolar, said "well you don't seem bipolar. I would know by talking to you if you were." Really? Sometimes the comments make me angry. When I do get down and think of suicidal thoughts, I don't even talk to anyone, because usually everyone is "busy." So if it WERE a crisis, not even my best friends are there to help me out. I've never called the suicide hotline.
I just want the right diagnoses, and I can always talk to my CRNP,. I would like to know if someone else out there has these same issues as me? If so, how do YOU cope with it? Do you think there's more underlying issues here in a non-professional opinion? I'm newer to this forum and am just interested in seeing what others have to say in terms of their experiences, feelings, or outlook. I am afraid I'm going to snap and "lose it" someday, even with taking medications. I feel like something is going to give out.