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  1. Hey, i understand. My father commited suicide a fey years ago. We weren't very close, but still. I tried to think about why, how did he managed to come to that, and this just made my depression worst. I started to think about it like it's not such a bad ideea. I think that having a person close to you that did it, makes you more ok with the ideea. Just like you said, i was thinking more about not hurting my mother. Usualy there were just thoughts, thinking realistically about it, it wasn't a thing that i dared to do. But it happened a few times when the chaos in my head and the pain were taking controll, not being so conscious, it was just one feeling, that if i end it, i will finally feel some relief. The chaos will finally stop. And in those moments i didn't feel like i was in control of my mind and body. That really scared me and gave me the curage to seek profesional help. I started medication and therapy. The feeling doesn't go away with no help. A good friend or a parent can support you, but a therapist cand do much more. About people around you, the friend that doesn't seem to care or understand you, maybe you can think that it is very hard for him too. For me, for example, fighting with depression, having to listen to friends that feel bad, it is not so easy. You would think that going through the same things you connect. Yes, it can happen for a few times, and you feel a little better knowing that others struggle too. But if you are very close to that person, and you feel you have a duty to listen and confort him and keep him going, when you too are struggling, it is very hard. When you are phisicaly damaged, like you have all the bones in you body broken, you go to a doctor to make you better, not to a friend that has only his feet broken. It would be so hard for him to care for you, because he is making big efforts to care for himself. I think this is why individual therapy with the help of a professional, or group therapy conducted by a professional works. We don't have "close friend" groups, because they don't really know what to do. I gave my friends time and space. When i felt like reconnecting, if it worked, it worked. If not, i managed to find myself other things that distracted me. Like other people to talk to, even if they were not close friends. P.S. i am new here, hope i don't say stupid things. And sorry for the bad english, it's not my primary language.
  2. Hello, i 'm new here. From an eastern european country so, please forgive my english mistakes. I am reading posts here, and i think i am new to depression. I mean, i sufferd from it a few years, maybe 4 or 5 until i realised i have it, then i started therapy and medication. About 3 years now. And i thought that it will pass. I will work with the therapist, the medicine will have it's effect and i will be fine in a couple of years. But i was so wrong....i changed the type of therapy, changed medication a few times, and after years of medication, therapy, support from family and friends, and a lot of efforts ...i still feel like crap most of the time. I managed to handle anxiety better, i am away now from suicidal thoughts, i mean, i really made a lot of progress, looking back. But the most dificult thing that i am facing now is the lack of motivation. I still have the mood of not doing anything, the only thing i am in the mood for is laying in bed. And i found it very well put "depression try to rob you of your life". I am experiencing this every day, i try, i stuggle to motivate, i apply tricks that i learned from therapy, it works sometimes, but it doesn't last me long. Every day is a struggle. Struggle to get out of bed, struggle to get dressed, struggle to do anything. Working or geting out of the house are even more than that. I just want to live an almost normal life. I abandoned the hope to be happy or normal, i don't want the better days to be the exception, just to come more often ...
  3. I do. (I am currently taking 225 mg of venlafaxine with 30 mg mirtazapine -psychiatrist told me it's called California rocket fuel for about 4, 5 months now) I usualy have the most plot-twisted dreams, they seem so complex like i lived several lifes during one dream. I wake up very late, feeling exhausted, my arms and legs hurt, the joints of my knees are hurting, it takes me hours to feel better. And these are the good days. When i am experiencing a stessful day at work, and go to sleep with anxiety, there are nightmares, terrible, complex, i am conscious while i sleep that i need to wake up, and trying very hard, i manage to shout, my boyfriend wakes up and has to shake me so i can wake up. Then i fall asleep againd, after 10 minutes it happends again, and again. After a night with all the nightmares and the struggle to wake up, my hole day is lost. I feel numb, all my body hurs, i feel like a realy old lady phisicaly. And psyhicaly i cannot concentrate at anything. I am affraid i might be hit by a bus by crossing the street on the red light, that hard is for me to concentrate. P.s. i am so relieved i found this forum and this post about the crazy dreams, i thought i was having brain damage or semething, beeing the only one that feels like this. And sorry for the bad english, i am from an eastern european country so it's foreign language for me.
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